just so scared of depression

[smirfy21]

  (*(
Hi I am new to this forum and I guess I am looking for some kind of help or advice or maybe just a place to unload when the going gets tough.
I have suffered for almost 6 years with the effects of Clinical Depression and have spent the best part of 6 years isolating myself from society and hiding my condition from my family and what little friends I have left; I have tried to live a normal life but I am now at the point of realisation that I need help so I have arranged to see a psychiatrist in two weeks who I am hoping is going to carry out an assessment and be able to give me a diagnosis and then treat me accordingly.
I know that many people would tell me not to self diagnose for obvious reasons but I am pretty sure that I am suffering from Bipolar disorder as it runs in the family and my symptoms all lead towards it so it is more a case of getting the diagnosis so I can get the help I am desperate for so I can get my life back on track.
Life is all pretty rocky at the moment and I am about to finish my final year of my foundation degree however I have got so many extended deadlines that it all seems impossible so I am pretty stressed which is always dangerous as this can trigger an episode.
It feels like I have no control over my own life anymore, I dont have any interests or hobbies anymore, I lie to everyone I know to cover up my condition and my university work is massively being affected as all my creativety has just gone. I dont know what to do anymore and have no one to turn to. I am sick of living like this and just want it all to end I have never been suicidal but can feel it creeping up on me and It scares the hell out of me!!!

[bucky]

Hello.  Good to hear from you.  Dont dispair there is always a resolution to everything.  I have suffered from depression/eating disorder for 15 years and only got diagnosed recently with borderline personality disorder.  Not saying it will take you this long to get sorted but you need to stay strong and believe there is a end in sight.  U can always to message me back and I can give you my advice although I am blonde and female!!! Not going to say keep your chin up but the fact you are communicating is a good thing and believe me I have been there with meds and bad experiences so I do understand :)

[AliMcBeer]

hey there, and welcome. you have taken the first steps by asking for help and talking about it. It is a scary thing to be going through, i have felt scared of it myself at times, i think thats a natural reaction really. Uni must be really difficult right now, would you be able to talk to the tutors or the medical team and explain whats going on? it might be you can get some help there too, but if they dont know whats happening they cant help you. My uni was really good on that.

Your asking for help and thats the first step, so dont be so hard on yourself, little steps make all the difference!

all the best, Ali

[lightenup]

A warm welcome to the forum, as the others have said it is a big step asking for help, but a good one.  Again I'm sure the uni has some sort of care service that can be offered.  It is all very bewildering and scary but you have done the right thing take care.

[smirfy21]

Hi thanks for the swift replies it is really good to have people that I know have been through what I am going through, unfortunately my university are incredibly unhelpful and judgemental my personal tutor described me as a PROBLEM case today and told me I wouldnt get far in life which I resent. My university have councilors but not a medical team which is rubbish so I am struggling on alone and without any support from the staff. I was so angry that I am not being supported that I have been to see the head of my department who seems to hold pretty similar views to my tutor but has said that he can extend one of my assignment deadlines so I can finish it during the summer which is going to see me failing if I do that.
I am so sick of the judgment at uni and the judgment at home its like I have nowhere to go, enough is enough and I am going to prove them all wrong about me so hopefuly my new psychiatrist wont be judgmental aswell I dont think that she knows that I am appointing her my saviour yet lol.
Im feeling pretty mad at the moment so really trying to stay calm as I really cant be doing with being manic and having an episode aswell particuarly as I dont take any medication.
I am incredibly worried about myself at the moment which I know is self endulgent but I dont have anyone there to do it for me so thank you thank you thank you for listening to me rant and rave you are all stars.

I would really like to hear about your experiances with mental health if you dont mind sharing them with me that would be really great.

[Cinderella]

Hi!
Just wondered what you are studying. I remember that it is very stressful doing all those exams and papers. Hope it goes well with the Psychiatrist.

[smirfy21]

Well luckily I dont have to sit any exams as I am a fine art student however I do have assesments at the end of the year and presentations and an exhibition which I will need to think about.
After two days of complete depression I have had a high day. everything has gone really well and I feel more than motivated  %^& this is how I feel kind of manic and energetic so I am hoping that this will last for a couple of days so I can get on with some art work while I have the creativity and energy.
thank you for your support and I am going to welcome therapy with open arms next week but I have to say I am rather anxious about the first assesment that is going to be carried out to see if I actualy do have bipolar disorder or some other form of mental illness.

I feel like I have been quite self absorbed over the past couple of days and I realise I know very little about you guys and why it is you have chosen to use this forum, fill me in if you like and let me know how you are getting on.  *&^

[Ses]

Hello Smirfy,

I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when i was at University. I couldn't understand why, as I didn't think that I was 'depressed', however 13 years later, I can see how the upheaval of such a major change in life/lifestyle can have thrown me off balance.

I found the best thing was to be honest with my tutor and family. My tutor was great as were my family, even though I felt ashamed of the situation. I'm so sorry for you that you are not getting the same support.

You mention that you do arts, and I understand how this can affect you (I did a music degree). Occasionally though, the low feelings actually expressed themselves well through my art, and that helped me, not only to feel a little better about myself, but also to release some of the feelings. Hope that makes sense? Maybe, just maybe, you could do the same?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/7084883.stm (this is a positive article  :) )

I would definitely be careful about self-diagnosis, so I'm glad you are seeing a psychiatrist. If you are suffering from depression, you can convince yourself that things are much worse than they are, very easily!!

Be careful about placing too much reliance on the psychiatrist. I'm sure that they will be able to help you, but remember that stablising yourself from depression (or bipolar disorder if that's what you are diagnosed with) takes time. But you will get there ultimately.

I'm glad you've found this forum, as it sounds like you really need people to talk to, who are most definitely not going to judge! Don't feel like you have anything to prove to anyone, and try not to let your family and tutors bring you down further. Some people are just not in a position to understand.

F

[smirfy21]

thanks for your reply I read that article and found it very interesting, however it makes me sad because I was once able to put my heart into my art and now I dont even feel creative I quite literally find it hard to put anything down on canvas because I just feel numb and empty. Dont get me wrong I love art and desperatally want to live the life of an artist which is why I am forcing myself to seek help and recover from this crippling depression.
tomorrow is the day I have my psychiactric assesment which scares the hell out of me but I know that in the long run this is going to do me the world of good.

thank you for your support and I will definetally be careful about relying to much on my psychiatrist to just take away these feelings I guess its going to be a lengthy process but one that will change my life for the better and maybe I will find the courage to tell my family and there exceptance.

I hope that all is good with you
smirfy21

[smirfy21]

I had my first psychiactric assesment this morning however it was not quite what I was expecting, It turns out that today was just a meeting with a psychologist to find out what it is I want from the GP and the mental health team and to find out about me, my family and my past.
I feel like I have talked my guts out today and it has brought up things that I didn't even know were on my mind or having problems with. it also brought up things from my past that I wanted to leave behind so I have asked to carry on with CBT aswell as starting back on the medications, however the mental health team are going to have a meeting to figure out how to proceed with treatment and to find a diagnosis which all seems like guess work to me as one person tells me its one thing and one tells me its another so how they come to a diagnosis I dont know.
anyways hope you are all doing ok and I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for all your support and advice I really appreciate it!!!

[AliMcBeer]

hey Smirfy:) glad youve had your assessment, at least its a step in the right direction.  i completely poo pood counselling when i first went but as the weeks went on it just helped me realise why i am this way. I cant say its helped to improve my depression at the moment but at least i can see why im like this.

Its a shame about uni but some of them are still the old ''institutions'' and are not very good at this sort of thing, i guess i was lucky. Uni is stressful enough so just hang in there. I know its really hard to focus and to find any interest and motivation in things, but thats part of the depression, just do what you can manage each day and dont be so hard on yourself.

It all seems a pointless process with assessments and waiting for the next step sometimes, but eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it may help you figure out what to do next, so keep with it. whatever you do dont give up on it, and take any help that is offered to you, because something no matter how small it may be, might help you, so anything is worth a go!

let us know how its going:) Ali  )-_

[smirfy21]

Thank you Ali
yes the assesment did seem like a step in the right direction, however I feel like this is going to be a much lengthier process than I origianly thought but if it means that I am dealing with my condition and understanding why I am the way I am then Its got to be a good thing.

How come you did not get along with conselling or was it just not for you?

It all seems like a pointless process all this being sent from one person to another and I have to say that Im still not sure that its going to lead to any diagnosis just help which is fine but I would really like to know one way or another If I have bipolar disorder or not just for my own sanity.

I am deffinetally going to take any help given and stop saying no to things because I cant go into my final year of uni like this.
Smirfy

[Munchroom]

Hi Smify and welcome  :)

I too am quite a creative person. I'm not at uni, but up until last August when my depression really took over, I was going to be a writer! (I hope one day I still will be, but I have to actually WRITE something new!!) I used to draw a lot too and then I completely lost interest in everything - my motivation has gone out of the window! I did go through a stage of drawing a few months ago and did some stuff that I'm really quite proud of - but now that motivation has gone again...

A good friend who has also suffered with depression said to me a few months ago that when you are a naturally creative person you must get it out in some way because otherwise you start to be a bit like a pressure cooker!! Even if you don't feel like it, you have to get what's inside your head out. I have had to find different ways of expressing it -  mainly cooking! (which is ironic as my anxiety has massively affected my appetite...) But I have been able to come up with some pretty odd cake recipes!! Which have gone down quite well  :)

I also have at times wondered if I am bipolar as I will have days (and nights) when I am SO up I can do anything at all  I can be sociable, I am ok to leave the house on my own, I still don't eat but then I don't mind because I feel I'm so full of energy, it doesn't matter,  almost like I don't need the food to give me energy - the same with sleep, although I am now on sleeping medication so my boyfriend tends to make sure I take two pills instead of one when I am bouncing off the walls!! But then, within half an hour that feeling can go, in the click of the fingers and I am as low as low can be - theres no middle ground and that is truly terrifying. My care co-ordinator and doctor don't seem to think it is bipolar though so I'm under the depression/anxiety umbrella! I think sometimes its quite hard for a professional to diagnose what exactly going on when they only see you for a set amount of time... Not that I'm disputing or disagreeing with what they say, I would be pretty lost without them! But I tend to rely on myself (and my boyfriend when I'm not able to) and I've learnt to really listen to what my body is trying to tell me and act on it.

I know at times it can feel like you are being dragged from pillar to post - but I guess one way of looking at it is you will, hopefully, end up with the correct people and/or medication and you will be on the right path to getting better :)

Good luck with it and remember even on he toughest days, keep going! You aren't alone in this x

[smirfy21]

things have been really tough for so long and I have experianced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but I feel like its not me that has been experiancing all these emotions and that I have been trapped inside somebody else watching out on theire life but now I feel like I am finaly escaping and that there are people finaly hearing my screams for help!
Admitadly I am far from recovered and free from suffering however bit by bit I am being dragged from the depths of hell and helped along the way through the recovery.
I have decided to focus my efforts on photographing the hell of depression and the struggle of mental health descrimination which I hope will help me find my old passion for fine art and photography.
smirfy peace out for now

[George]

Hi Smirfy

Focusing your efforts like that sounds really positive, I know that it's beneficial for me to keep my mind busy. The less time for it to go the wrong way the better I suppose.

Keep us posted on how it goes, eh