Everything feels pointless

[purpleflower]

So as I've previously posted, I've been suffering from depression for at least 4 months now. I don't feel any better then I did two weeks ago. I feel frustrated and unsupported, I don't feel like the medication (I'm on my third type now) is working, and waiting over 2 months for a psychiatrist appointment hasn't been helpful. I really find everyday such a struggle. I've had to move home from uni because dramatic situations at uni with friends and my now ex were making me 10x's worse. I have exams in under a week yet I have no motivation to revise still. I go to open my books or study online and I feel this awful fear grip me. It's frustrating and awful. I desperately want to pass my exams and do well. I spend most days on my own until late in the evening as my mum works long hours as a nurse. I have friends but I feel like I'm in a bubble and they're all on the outside having fun together, and I'm not quite involved as I'd like to be. Sometimes I get anxious when in busy places or when I think about going back to uni, I completely break down. I don't really know what I'm getting at here...sometimes I just need to write and vent. There's only so much I feel I can tell my friends, I don't want them thinking I'm a miserable mare or thinking I'm weird so the only person I really tell everything to is my mum. Nothing really interests me...I don't watch tv and get absorbed in a programme like I used to...the same goes for books. I may be reading but inbetween each word the cogs in my brain are spinning overtime and panicking about my life... "why do i feel so alone...why did my ex treat me how he did...how can i show my face on campus again after he finished with me...what if i fail my exams...i cant stand being alone".
It's ridiculous and I feel so alone. I don't know why I feel so lowly about myself, 3/4 of my friends aren't even aware I suffer from depression, I know tricks of the trade to cover it up now. I feel like I'm ruining my own life. I try, I really do try but I feel like a zombie daily. I just pass the time till I can go to sleep at night with the help of sleeping tablets. Sometimes I want to quit everything and spend the rest of my days curled up in my covers. I wake up somedays and just cry hystersterically.
Today is a bad day for me. I woke up, have laid in bed just watching tv that doesnt interest me for as long as possible, watched a film and now I'm on here wondering if I'm alone or if anyone else ever feels like this...just completely empty and wanting to run away from everything. I feel as if my family are wearing themselves thin trying to help but nothing they say or do helps...they just don't understand what's going on in my head.

[Grant]

Your last sentence stood out the most to me:
"They just dont understand whats going on in my head"

This is where I went wrong, and its where I made a big change to my own life.  I accepted that not everybody is going to "get" me.  Whether it be my jokes, or my opinions on religion, or my understanding of physics - if they dont understand, they will think I am wrong.  (People mocked Einstein because they thought his ideas were rediculous - and these were supposedly EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT people)

The sooner you stop trying to convince the world, and the sooner you realise you never will - the sooner you can start living your life.  Sometimes we expect too much from others, and that only leads to disappointment and frustration.  By all means, talk to people, and hopefully they will try to be supportive - but dont expect them to UNDERSTAND, because depression is hardly a simple thing to comprehend anyway.

Apart from that, forget about controlling people or things that you have no influence over.  You cant choose what people say about you when you arent around, and you cant control what questions pop up in the exams - so it is pointless wasting energy on them.  You WILL want to focus onthem, but catch yourself doing it, and tell yourself "what will be, will be".  Rather concentrate on what you CAN control - put your best foot forward and bbe a decent person... if people still judge negatively, well thats then a reflection on THEM isnt it?  STUDY for your exams - you can control that part...if a curveball question is thrown your way and you fail because of it, well then thats hardly your fault either, is it?

Control is important, so focus on what you can actually change, and accept those things that you cant - whether its fair or not - because you really dont have a choice in the matter anyway...

[Munchroom]

Hi Purpleflower.

Reading your post was like reading something I wrote a few months ago. I love reading, writing and drawing - I've always loved cooking, being creative was my 'thing' if you had asked anyone to describe me before this depression took over me then 'creative' would have been used, im 110% sure about that! But then I lost interest  in EVERYTHING - I couldn't concentrate or focus on anything long enough to read. Writing long went out of the window! (which frustrated me because I figured if I was at home I could at least be productive!) I did finally get back into drawing at the end of last year - with A LOT of encouragement, but now... I haven't got my art stuff out for weeks!

You are not alone in feeling like this - and I too kept my illness a massive secret from anyone that wasn't in my closest circle. Like you, I very quickly got used to putting on a front and when I did open up to people they were very very surprised that I had been suffering for so long- but that doesn't mean that I wasn't!

All anyone can do is encourage you to keep going - it WILL get better, trust me. I was on 5 different tablets before I've found the ones I'm on now that seem to work, but even now I have that constant fear that this feeling of being 'up' is not going to last. When you are able to, writing about how you are feeling DOES help, you need to get these things out of your head! I have so many rambling pages of text on my pc that if anyone else was to get hold of them then they would think I was a crazy person - but no-one else HAS to understand. It is your mind and your own thoughts - saying that, please, if it would help, vent your feeling on here or in a pm. One other important thing to remember is that you are not a burden on anyone, we all need a bit of help sometimes - but soon enough, it'll be someone else that needs a shoulder to cry on or a friendly ear and I am sure you will be there to offer that.

I wish you all the very best x