Hi, all,
I must be one of the unluckiest people alive; except for my fiancee, perhaps.
My fiancee "C." was diagnosed with paranoid psychosis eight weeks ago, and has deteriorated rapidly. To cut a long story short, she is in the local psychiatric hospital as a voluntary patient having fixated on me as some kind of evil man and running away: This seemed to happen within 24 hours after she had to have an assessment under the mental health act because she refused treatment and home visits. In return for continuing to accept these, they let her stay at home but she blamed me; she thought I called the doctors on her. She became increasingly incoherent that evening saying I hated her "because I put her in hospital [not true - she had had a two week voluntary stay a month ago because she was hearing voices telling her to stab me] and because I wouldn't let her go into hospital" in the same sentence, as well as because I didn't see the "ghost rat" on the window; and finally because none of the words I said to her made any sense. The evening of the next day, her birthday, she gave me an ultimatum or she would immediately leave "to become homeless". I lied that I would accept the ultimatum, but when I asked her what she was feeling she quickly became aggressive and left anyway. I called the police on the advice of her crisis team (which I would have done anyway). They eventually caught up with her twenty four hours later. Now she doesn't want me to visit, changed her next of kin to her sister and took me off the data protection list so I cannot directly ask how she is. It is now almost two weeks since she was hospitalized again.
Myself, I am awaiting an assessment to verify whether I have Asperger Syndrome, an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. This should happen around July. I have fallen into depression (not for the first time in my life) since Saturday night when I learned that C. had cut me off and that her family had seemed to be convinced she would not change from how she is feeling towards me; or how she has become this selfish person. It has happened very rapidly, and this is one of the few times I have been able to function relatively well since Saturday evening. My GP has prescribed 20mg Prozac, which I asked for as this has helped before. However, this is the only support I get. Our finances are dire; not least of all because C. says she wants to separate them and have her benefits paid into a separate account. I may not be able to pay bills after the start of next month (including Internet), except by taking the risk of dumping some of my dwindling savings into our joint account - I'm not sure if that means I would lose some if the account was divided. The social housing trust seem only interested in their rent. My gas and electricity provider are charging somewhere between 2.5 and 3 times by Direct Debit what I calculate we should be paying. And we've had an expensive credit card month just paying for food and to replace a TV (even though my mum paid two-thirds). Social services don't want to know. My GP said I should contact the psychiatric hospital. They say my GP should provide support for my depression, but that it's "early days" for the meds. They have referred me to another housing trust and to the "care co-ordinator", whoever that is. They say they cannot help because my depression is a reaction to stress and not clinical.
No-one seems to accept that I know what happens next: If my stress levels decrease, the meds kick in and I stablize; if the stress levels stay the same or increase, I eventually stop functioning completely. I'm already struggling to cope on a practical level beyond the basics. I also have mild disability, probably due to the Aspergers - I can't cook anything more complex than a microwave ready meal for example. I am hanging on that I am seeing a worker from MIND tomorrow. I can't get in to see my GP again for four weeks; except if this becomes an emergency, presumably. The only source of extra money I have is my elderly mum; who has said she will step in. But I feel guilty that at her age I am not helping her out, not the other way around. The social workers said I should see Citizens Advice Bureau.
Anyway, that's where I am today. Thank you for reading what has been a long initial post. And the final irony: I am writing a book "A Course in Happiness" because I had been depression free for ten years until this all happened. Still, I stand by what I've learned and am writing: Any book that promises you'll never ever be unhappy again is lying; everyone can get depressed or otherwise mentally ill under extreme stress - it's how we stay happy the rest of the time that we often don't seem good at.
Thanks for reading.
