Hey all,
You must get this question way too often but I’m wondering if anyone can help me figure out if I’ve some form of depression going on. I’ve wondered for a while but it seems to come and go and during “normal†periods I always convince myself there’s nothing wrong and it’s just natural to have different moods but I think it’s time I did something about it. This has progressively gotten worse over an 18 month period. To set the scene a little I’m a second year 20 year old male engineering student.
Probably the best way I can describe what’s going on is to show you what’s happened over a few days, excuse the very crude description but it’s the jist of what I’ve written in my diary. Each arrow is a new day.
Ok -> low -> very low -> ok, low later -> clear, later high -> high -> ok -> low -> very low, snapped back ok late aft -> ok -> low -> low -> ok -> high -> clear etc…
I should also probably describe what I mean…
There are (were) two main aspects to my life, my studies and going to the gym. About 18 month ago I had only missed 3 days of my 5-day pattern at the gym for over two years, consistently loosing just under a pound a week. I was dedicated, I enjoyed it. I’ve slowly lost interest in it and for the past 6 months I’ve rarely worked out and put about a stone back on. Another big interest was music, I don’t really watch TV but listen to and research music, every week I would be searching through all kinds of charts looking for new music, I enjoyed everything about it, over the past months I’ve hardly followed anything.
During an “ok†period I’m just kind of “mehâ€, don’t really give one about anything, no real motivation, but no bad feelings, bit of background music on and try and slog through some work, sometimes make it to the gym but the work-out won’t be anything special.
In a low period normally I’m just lost, empty, don’t really know what I’m doing, everything’s sort of surreal, things are happening but there detached from me. At its worst I’m just absent, a few hours can pass without me really thinking. If someone was to knock on my door I would go into a kind of “fight or flight†and end up shaking, if my phone rang I wouldn’t dare answer it. If it spans a few days I’ll be very sleepy throughout.
In a high period again I don’t really know what I’m doing but this time I’m confident and feel like I’m “the manâ€. Quite often here I want to work out which results in me pacing round my room attempting to get my gym kit together. I end up walking round in circles between changing the song on my computer and getting my clothes out of my wardrobe, half the time doing neither because I’m distracted by the other and taking about 20-30mins to get dressed and almost always forgetting something, it’s like my heads on overdrive but can’t focus on anything. Although if I do make it to the gym I’m usually pretty clear afterwards. Normally doesn’t last too long but if it goes over night I sleep for about 4-6 hours and experience no tiredness throughout.
And then there’s the clear periods everything feels like it did 2 years ago. I’m happy, I enjoy listening to music, I can work, I can think, quite simply I can feel something other than emptiness / unhappiness or ridiculous confidence. But I feel so normal that it’s almost like the rest of the time hasn’t happened and I convince myself theres nothing wrong, it’s rarely more than a day or 2 a week which is one of the problems I have with respect to getting help.
Most of the time I’m “ok†with swings lasting a few hours for highs, at most a few days for lows, some not as pronounced as others and there’s kind of an overall trend.
It does seem very random though, its usually such a short period of time but there’s been times before where I’ve had a good, clear, week, but also I’ve had a two week low ending in me laid in bed for over 2 days and hardly having a thought (this was about 6 month ago). Isn't something like this ment to last longer than a few hours / days?
I am right to think there’s something more going on here than simply change of mood? Generally I feel like the whole things driving me insane. Any questions go for it, but an answer will probably take me a couple of days.
I think I’ve managed to convince myself there’s something wrong just by writing this all down, this isn’t just natural is it?
