I don't know how much longer I can hold on

[Jess]

I'd hate to think that when you read this you think, how hard is it for you to tell somebody but please be patient. I know that everytime i post i say that i need help and that i really must tell somebody but i am trying so hard; sadly to no avail.

Everyday is a struggle, all i think about now is killing myself, i can't think of anything else. I'm so tired of fighting with myself and pretending to be happy, I can't do it much longer. I hate what i have become; this is not how i imagined my life. Everyday I loathe the fact that i have woken up, the things i would do just to be able to go. The only thing keeping me earth-bound is the pain and suffering i know my premature and what i suppose would be unexpected death would be to my family and friends. How i long to tell them; allow them to see through my eyes but fear blocks my strength. I feel like a prisoner of my own mind.

I'm dreadfully sorry if i panick anyone, I'll try to keep strong but honestly i don't know how long for

Jess x

[declano]

hi jess i know how u feel i cant remember the last time i had a good nights sleep, and being around people pretending to be happy, my situation i cant talk to my family theres just no point if you ever met them youd know why,but if you can talk to some 1 please give it a go . my dilema was iwas good at listing to other peoples problems but no good at talking abt my own, not that my family would be interested any way,to busy talking abt there own lives, which really doesnt help

[bel]

Jess, I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a bad place; I know nothing I can say will make it better. Please please try to hang in there. If you don't feel able to tell anyone, at least tell us on here. You feel like you are alone in your own personal prison, but there are people on here who are here for you.
You say you hate what you have become, I understand how awful it is to be living a life you feel you didn't choose. Try to believe that you can get out of it, you're not stuck there for ever. It may take time, but something or someone will come into your life to help you turn it around. That doesn't stop the pain just now, but please try to believe it.
Big (((((hugs))))) bel x

[AliMcBeer]

hey Jess,  dont give up, there is light at the end of the tunnel eventually you will start to see it. I can relate to how your feeling, i felt that way 2 yrs ago, it was just the worst thing that i could imagine. All i kept saying was i want to be me again, i want to be Ali, i felt like an Ali i didnt know had taken over me and the real me was locked away at the back of my brain somewhere trying to get out. It is a lonely place Jess, but it takes time to find yourself again, please just keep looking, the real Jess is still in there, dont give up on her, she will break out of that prison.

try to stay strong Jess, it wont be forever. keep posting, everyones here for you,
big hugs, Ali x

[earthangel]

Hi Jess,
What you're going through right now, is exactly where I am.  I feel like I'm never going to be normal again.  Hopefully my new P.Doc (why do they keep changing or retiring) will be a good listener and get me sorted. 

What do you do when you get bad side effects like I do or rashes due to sensitive skin? To me, that is suffering too. 

I just wish the panic attacks would go and that I would always be surrounded by light.  I work myself up into a real fright and I have nothing to calm me down; like a lost child is what I become.  Yet, I'm an adult who's courage is not there when I really need it.

Things will get better Jess - I don't know what your coping strategies are so it would be good to hear about them.

Keep well!