I thought I was getting better but......

[Spooky]

Today I felt like I wanted to disappear completely. I feel like those who I most care about have abandoned me. Its the first time since taking medication 11 months ago that I've had suicidal/dark thoughts.

These two weeks I've been signed off was all about me trying to do stuff that makes me happy so I've been meeting up with friends for lunch, going for walks etc. But I also asked my Mum if we could meet up and she said she would sort something out but I've tried calling her and theres been no answer, she doesn't work, its not like she has a hectic schedule. Just a 40min car journey. I could've trained it down to her but she's not responded. She knows how bad I've been feeling which is why this meant so much to me. My Dad hasn't contacted me either and my sister barely spoken to me since I told her I was getting help, neither has my best mate.

I feel like I don't have a place in the world anymore, like everyone could carry on with their lives and never even notice I'd gone. I can't speak to my boyfriend about it either. I've spent the whole of my life feeling unloved and he knows he adding to it as he doesn't love me. We've been together 19 months and he doesn't feel it yet. We almost split up at New Years about it. He feels guilty he doesn't feel like he's being fair on me. He says I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had but for whatever reason, can't tell me he loves me. He talks about himself getting a house in a few years, I'm never part of his future plans and it gets to me.

Just feels like everythings pointless.

[lightenup]

Hi Spooky firstly your life is not pointless. You need to see your Dr as some meds can do this, and he may need to change them, please don't take the chance.  Your sister/best mate probably doesn't know how to respond to you being unwell, also maybe something may be wrong with your mum.  Sorry I'm not making excuses for them but when we are unwell we all think even the most closest to us does not care.  Is your boyfriend demonstrative in other ways, my hubby thinks he is showing his love just by making a cup of tea, although I think a hug is more appropriate.  When we are so unwell we are just negative about everything.

Please be a little kinder to yourself, also don't overdo things as they also make you tired ant it can pull you down.  Sorry maybe not the best advice at the moment and am very low.  These are things that have been pointed out to me at CBT (((big Hug))  Keep fighting you better than this demon   

[SocialServicesFighter]

I've said this to a few members on here:
You need to sit down with your partner, face to face, and discuss the relationship (where it is, where it's going).
Be calm, collected and don't get upset and shout or scream.
A break up may happen so be very prepared.

The worst thing would be to stay doing something that's obviously hurting you both.
Another bad thing is to hide your feelings so they eat away at you both.
Get these things out in the open calmly and as understanding adults, then you can both, as a couple, decide what to do with the relationship.

Remember, you may not hear what you want so be very prepared and be strong and mature while talking.

---

When it comes to the feelings of worthlessness, believe me you're not worthless.
Depression is a thorny bug the hurts anyone and everyone it wants, you're not unwanted or pathetic, it's the depression attacking you and making you feel that way.
Have you seen your doctor about these feelings? I'd recommend a trip to see him. He knows all the various avenues to recovery, and should help you find them.

As for the lonliness, it's nothing you've done that's made people go quiet, maybe your family just don't know what to say or do. I know my dad is like that, I mention depression to him and he goes quiet and clams up!

Contact them again and ask about meeting up again. Don't mention your feelings over the phone, wait until they're with you at yours! Lol!


Stay in touch and let us know how you get on with stuff. Good luck, SSF.

[bel]

Spooky, I also say to you, you are not worthless and your life is not pointless.
Well done for the good stuff you've done; try to keep that at the front of your mind, and stick with it.
It's tough when family and friends can't or won't give you the support you need. Don't take it personally; they may have issues of their own which means they can't deal with it, or maybe they just don't understand.
Great advice from SSF on your relationship, it's clearly adding to your problems at the moment so something needs to be resolved.
best wishes, bel