Author Topic: The Circus  (Read 331 times)

lisamarretta

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The Circus
« on: April 03, 2019, 05:24:07 PM »

Amanda_George

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2019, 09:47:22 AM »
I'm so sorry you felt so low you had to make so many attempts on your life.  I understand that dark place, I really do, 'cos I've been there myself.

I made 40 (not a typo) attempts on my life in 2 or 3 years but was never hospitalised.

You can always talk to us here and I'll always listen/read what you need to say.  I don't have any magic words for you, but I will read and care.  Promise.

This might sound strange, but how about handwriting (as opposed to typing or emailing - it's more personal then) a letter (in a sealed envelope) to each of your family and friends, telling them what you've told us in your message.  Tell them just how bad you feel and how much you need their support.  If they've never been through what you have then they won't understand, but being able to get it onto paper and right in front of them might wake them up to how much you need their support.

It's not a quick fix, but hopefully your family and friends will wake up and try to support you more.
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

lisamarretta

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2019, 10:38:49 PM »
Hi guys!! Been such a long time since I came on here. I’ve been focusing on my recovery. Still facing setbacks.. can’t have EDMR until after the police investigation has concluded but I have an amazing therapist anyway. I was prescribed some lorazepam for when my anxiety goes through the roof... not only does it calm me down but the first time I took it, it brought out a creative side I didn’t know I had!! I was in my room thinking of ways to stop my nightmares or at least to just help and I started doodling on my wall.. well it’s grown hugely!! Whenever I get bad now I add to it. Someone on here.. Amanda I think suggested a blog to me and I tell you something what a godsend! It’s reallybhelping to get all my stuff out on there. Managed to start college too! I sometimes struggle to get there and I’ve not managed to go a few days but I’m doing it when I can. Just wanted to check in and see how everyone is getting on. Ohhh got a tattoo too over my wrist scar so got rid of that trigger. 😂 hope everyone is doing as well as they can xxx

Amanda_George

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2019, 01:14:07 PM »
It sounds like things are really going in the right direction now, Lisa!   :yay:  I'm so glad the Lorazepam has awakened your creativity too!  I love it when things like that happen!  Blogs are great, aren't they   ;D  So proud of you for starting college too - what are you studying and do your teachers know about your anxiety?  They might be able to help when you get anxious during lessons or over assignments or whatever.  So glad you've got that tattoo too... it's so worth it to take small steps in the right direction!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

lisamarretta

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2019, 01:45:57 PM »
I’m doing mental health nursing! My tutor is aware of my PTSD and the police investigation she has been nothing but brilliant about it. I had to tell her because my sicknote said PTSD 😐 but glad I did. Thank you I feel quite proud at times 😍 how are you doing? I’d show you my stuff but not sure how to attach pictures 😂🤷‍♀️ I’ll give it a crack at the end of this message. My head is frazzled from biochemistry at college this morning 😂 going to be hard work but great for taking my mind off stuff. Xx

Amanda_George

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2019, 05:07:37 PM »
Is mental health nursing what you need to become a CPN or something?  How long does the course last and is it part time or full time?  What about work experience?  Come on girl, dish the dirt on it!

It sounds like you've got a great tutor there if she understood why you had to take some time out from the course!  Is there like a counsellor at your college you can talk to when you are really struggling between appointments with your therapist?

You've already lost me with the biochemistry!  lol  So proud of you for keeping on with it!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

lisamarretta

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2019, 06:18:00 PM »
Ha.. well in the very end I want to be a high intensity therapist.. it’s an access course at the minute so that’s a year then 3 years at uni. My motivation is obviously everything I’ve hadcthrown at me... I had a psychiatrist last week ask me if I was promiscuous, 😦 like what the hell?! How can you ask someone who has experienced sexual trauma that question?! So if I can stop just one woman getting insensitive questions like that.. that’s what I want to do. As for work experience I work as a support worker in supported loving so I have a bit of experience there. Need to get hold of my triggers before throwing myself into placements etc. It’s 4 mornings a week. There is a counsellor I was offered it but I’m at the point now where I hate new people knowing my stuff.. if you get me. You know it’s diffi enough to tell people as it is and only those that need to know, I start feeling out of control when all these different people start knowing and that sets me off. Thanks lol... it proper blagged my head today though I was like... who let me sign up for this? 😂

Amanda_George

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2019, 07:20:04 PM »
Dumb questions alert!!

How does a high intensity therapist differ from a usual therapist?  Is it approaching the most painful bits the client is dealing with sooner or are the sessions longer (2 hours instead of 1 hour kinda thing) or for a shorter length of time (6 months instead of a year or so) or something else entirely?

That psychiatrist was bang out of order asking you about your sex life!   :o  If they were a sex therapist or even a psychologist then you could just about get away with it, but it was none of the freakin' psychiatrists business!!    :scream:  >:(  Sounds like you've already got the skills that your classmates might be lacking so you're already one step ahead of them and can put your new knowledge and skills straight to work!

Totally understand about not wanting too many people to know what happened to you - you should feel in control at all times after what you've been through!

Your tutor obviously thinks you're capable of the course or she would never have accepted your application   ^-^
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2019, 07:37:51 PM »
Thrilled to bits that your life is improving and good for you for your choice of job as you will be a bonus to the profession  :happy0158:

lisamarretta

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2019, 10:40:07 PM »
A high intensity therapist can do things such as CBT etc.. sorry I didn’t reply yesterday. I had to get some college work done. I had a visit from my detective today.. she gave me the option to stop the investigation.. now I’m really overthinking it. I don’t want all the pain of the last 18 months to have being for nothing.. but I can’t cope with it much longer. I’m not sure what to do 😣 if I think about pushing on with it I can’t see past two days at a time even now I’m quite well.. if I think about a world without the investigation I can see way past two days. I would detest myself for giving in but I already do.. at least if I dropped it I could access some proper help and start kicking this PTSDs arse. But then if he did it to someone else I’d be devastated. I just don’t know what to do for the best. In an ideal world all this wouldn’t of happened but obviously it did and I hate him for ruining my life but I’m scared that if all this waiting and uncertainty carries on I won’t make it. Sorry to lay all this out here just I don’t have therapy for 2 weeks and I could really bloody do with her this week! My head is blagged!!

Amanda_George

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2019, 10:13:49 AM »
Is there any way you can get an appointment with your therapist sooner than 2 weeks?  Do you have a CPN or a support group or anything like that too?  If you trust your GP, would they be able to help you as you are going through such a bad time right now?

:hug: if you want it?
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

lisamarretta

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2019, 12:59:06 PM »
My therapist is away this weekend. I have her next Saturday. I’m going to try and ring my GP now wish me luck 🤣 I’ll get an appointment probably in a month 😂🤦‍♀️

lisamarretta

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2019, 01:06:21 PM »
Yep. 14th November 🙄🙄🙄 my GP can’t make the decision for me anyway. Got to be me. I just don’t know which option would be less painful. I feel very swallowed and and then just spat out by the system. I’m always waiting for a call and every now and again I get so anxious and I try to call crisis team, my isva, the police and even Samaritans but people are always too busy to talk to me and then I feel bad because I know they are busy but then I’m like well just because you’re busy it doesn’t make my stress or pain any less. So any way I can stop that whole process is a very easy route for me to take... but then I’ll be giving up 😣😣😣

Amanda_George

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2019, 06:25:50 PM »
I obviously don't know how your GP surgery works, but there's like a very short window when they open in the morning and when they re-open after their lunch break where you can get an appointment that morning/afternoon if you're lucky.  You have to be on the phone the minute they open though so that you stand a chance of getting the appointment... does your GP surgery have anything like that maybe? 

Have the police offered to refer you to Victim Support?  They will listen and support you with your case without judging you and will hopefully be able to help you to come to the decision that is right for you too.  They aren't medically qualified, but they are there to help victims of crime in your kinda situation... they've been wonderful for me - my crime is not only harassment but it's flagged as a hate crime too thanks to them, so the police know to keep a special eye out for the person I reported... I'd never have done that if it hadn't been for Victim Support!

:hug: if you want it?

Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: The Circus
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2019, 07:45:34 PM »
I am sorry you have such a difficult decision to make and I can't come out with the right answer for you.  You need support to make the right decision for you and I wish I could give you that kind of support IRL.  On one hand you could go ahead with legal action which will be emotionally difficult but could have the best result or you deal with your mental health with positive results both are right courses but at the end of the day you need to put yourself first and what is best for you  :hug: