I have noticed others have posted their reasons for joining so I think I should do the same.
I'm 31 years old, female, no children, a fantastic BF. I have a beautiful little dog who is basically my life, but other than that I don't really have anyone else.
I was sexually abused (raped) by my father as a child. After I told the authorites what had happened, myself, my younger brother and sister, and my mother were put into a woman's refuge. This is when I discovered that my mother was out for herself and no one else. She used to bring men into the home putting everyone at risk and we were eventually thrown out. At this point (aged 7) I was prescribed Valium, and even to this day I remember the numb feeling, and sometimes wish I had that again.
Eventually, Social Services realised this woman wasn't doing us any favours and we were put into care. This ended up being a permanent thing as my mother then found another man, moved house, changed her name and started having more children. After that my siblings and I were no longer a part of her life and we were placed in a permanent foster home. This worked out OK until my foster parents started fostering other children. The babies were fine, they were no threat to us, but in my mid-teens, they fostered a boy just 2 months older than me who then raped both me and my sister repeatedly, and beat my little brother badly. My brother was only 11, this other boy being 15. After a while, he managed to upset my foster mother and she told him to leave (he stole £80 out of her purse).
The foster parents adopted the 3 of us just before my 15th birthday and I thought it would be the best thing ever but things went pear shaped when my grandfather died. I was half way through my GCSE's and the grief really knocked me for 6. I "skived" school and my exam results suffered.
Also unfortunate was that me and my foster mother didn't really get on, and by the time I was 17 she asked me to leave. She just didn't understand that for one reason or another I was still suffering. My sister's boyfriend had raped me (she is engaged to him now, and she is aware of what he did) so basically I moved away from home and had no intention of going back. I moved to an area that was surrounded by people on drugs, most of the tenants of the block of flats I lived in had just been released from prison and within a year, I had been admitted to the local mental health unit as I had repeatedly tried to kill myself.
Since then, I have "Existed" not lived. I still live in fear of my sister's fiance, I am still scared of the prospect of an accidental meeting with my father (he is currently serving 5 years in prison for more child abuse) and so far this year, nothing has gone right for me.
My younger brother committed a crime when he was 15 that my new parents would not forgive, so they sent him away. He was placed in another foster home and left when he was 16. This was the first step towards his own downward spiral that involved drink and drugs. I tried so hard to be there for him, but it became too much for him and in November last year he killed himself. I didn't discover this until February this year and had to fight with a girl to get his body back. She claimed they had been together a year, had lost his babies (apparently she lost them at 6 weeks but she was adamant it was twins, a girl and a boy) All lies, she'd only known him 2 weeks and I somehow had to find the money to get him home and give him the funeral he deserved. I managed that, but now I have the terrible feeling that I let him down, that there was more I could have done for him. He was only 27 years old, and one of the kindest people you would ever likely to have met. He looked after me, but it was my job to look after him.
I have just paid for his headstone, and he had the beautiful funeral he deserved, but still have no definitive answers as to why the police and coroners made no attempt to find me, or the rest of our family. I never got to see his body, so therefore I'm finding it difficult to believe he's dead. It hurts so much, he was my baby!
I was diagnosed with Epilepsy 7 years ago, but a year before that I was diagnosed with PTSD! The flashbacks, the nightmares and the fear got into my head and it's still there. After having tests last year it has been discovered that I have a brain tumour but I also suffer with non epileptic seizures. Along with tinnitus, asthma, depression and the constant fear of my father, I feel the only way to put myself out of this pain is to end it all. I can't do it to my parents though, they'd blame themselves. I don't want to cause more pain!
My sister is one of the most horrible people I know. She has told her kids (spawn of the man that raped me) that I don't care about them and I now haven't seen them for over a year. She has told me I'm jealous because she's with this man when the truth is I detest him and wish he'd just leave us all alone. My parents have made a provision in their will that ensures HE doesn't get any of the proceeds of their house. They had to review their will after my brother died as the estate was to be split between the 3 of us. I never knew, and my brother certainly didn;t know, that they don't hate him. He was their only son and it's hurting my folks that they couldn't help him either. I keep trying to get it into my head that at least he isn't in pain anymore, and no one can hurt him now but it isn't working. I miss him so much, and to lose my sister too is just more than I can take.
I have an eating disorder which has caused me to lose most of my teeth. I have dentures, but I'm gutted that I have allowed myself to get into this mess. I am so unhappy, although apart from my family woes and my health I have nothing to be unhappy about. My BF really is the greatest. He took 2 weeks off work to look after me when my kid brother died, but now he's having to pick up the pieces and I don't want to drag him down to my level. He's a really great guy and he deserves so much better.
I am going to the doctors today because I really can't take any more. I want to die but I don't want to at the same time. I miss my nephews, they were all I had left. I have just had to put my cat to sleep for which I feel so guilty I cannot stop thinking about it. I'm not getting much sleep and my seizures have increased due to other stresses. I need help, but I'm afraid I'm never going to get it.
I apologise for rambling, but I really needed to get that off my chest! Coffee time I think, time to pull myself together (easier said than done)
Mess or what?
