I warn you, it's an essay. Hello

[Becky83]

 )-_ I have been on depression websites before, but I believe they were American (not intentionally) so thought it would be better to actually register with a UK forum.

I think I have been troubled /depressed since early childhood. Depression runs in the family. But even then it took me a while to be diagnosed. My parents took me to the doctors through out my teens and were told that I was either attention seeking or mimicking my father (who is also depressed and was on medication.)

Lots of early memories of not wanting to go to school but forcing myself to go even though as I walked in all I was wishing for was to ***. Crying constantly. Getting home and just sitting on my bed staring at the wall wishing the world would fade. I tried to explain this to the Dr's but nothing seemed to work. One Dr even went as far to enquire as to whether I was taking any illegal substances! ( I was rather naive at that age and assumed that the Dr's were the salvation at the end of a whole ugly road of emotional blackness and empty days. Not so.)
   I left his office with no help, feeling even further depressed but to add on to that, a time waster and a drama queen. (I wondered if he had checked my records before and seen notes on the previous visits with my father and notations of possible "mimicking". So he was already biased towards me)

When I was 16 it became so bad that I eventually went back to the Dr again and made them an ultimatum. That they either helped me on that day or I wouldn't be there tomorrow. That finally got someones attention and they started treating me for depression. Even then it wasn't an easy journey. But I was finally prescribed anti-depressants. I guess they didn't want to give them to me in the earlier years because of my age...

I was sent to see a psychologist who deemed me "borderline personality disorder" but told me rather snidely that since I was already on the medication that would normally be prescribed for this, there wasn't anything else he could do. And that, if he did register the diagnosis he would have to inform the DVLA and they would probably take my driving license away. (I was 17/18 at the time) Amongst other insulting and inappropriate comments was his one on statistics and mortality and how I was more likely to die from depression due to various reasons.... Comments I found completely obvious and unneccessary. I was SI...and he had told me this as though by doing so I would simply wake up and go "oh wow, never realised that before, sure doctor I won't do it anymore it's baaad"
 I left again, feeling dejected, lost and frustrated, with questions in my mind "weren't these people supposed to be helping me? Cure me?" Of course I didn't know much about depression at that time and assumed that I could take a pill and in a month or so it would all go away and I would be "normal". Not so.

Scroll forwards to today and I am 27, have seen various Doctors been on various medications. Been put back onto medication I didn't want to retry due to side effects and drowsiness but again my wishes have been ignored. And now I am at the point were I have tried almost all SSRI medication and now take an SSRI and an SNRI together.

I have been told by my Pdoc that since I was able at one point to hold down a full-time job, he didn't class me as seriously depressed. Was he there everyday when it took me over an hour to motivate myself out of bed. To drag my clothes on, or when I got to work, the feeling of panic was so bad that some days I had to sit in the toilet with the light off just so that I could feel like I could breathe?

Anyway, I could go on but I am sure by now you are getting the picture. I would LOVE to hear from positive people who have had lovely encounters with their doctors and psychologists. it would reaffirm my belief in the medical profession that they aren't all antiquated emotionally devoid droids.

Whilst I don't feel overly emotional, no ups no major downs, I still feel flat and as though I am missing out on life, purely surviving each day instead of living it. But I am starting to get the feeling that my Pdoc does not know where else to go from here. Which leaves me....were does it leave me?

[lightenup]

Hi Becky a warm !"£ to the forum.  Looking back I probably had problems when i was a child, beaten at school and smacked at home until it was discovered I had hearing problems that thankfully where operable.  Had problems problems in my teens, crying plotting my demise and thinking that would teach my mum.  However I had so much love elsewhere from my siblings and young nephews etc and eventually falling in love  with my husband.  I learned to switch of my emotions for most of my life!!!

My Doctor diagnosed me with depression, and i truthfully only now can admit to it although don't allow family members know about.  He recommended that I go to CBT, when I go I feel better and they do listen.  It took quite a few tries before I got the right medication.  My doctor has been so helpful, and I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for him. 

Truthfully there are many things lacking in this area I think, I have had many problems with not working etc, and it is difficult to get help.  Have you been offered help with CBT.  To be honest for the number of people that statistics say are unwell from depression, I think the funding must be minimal. 

Thank goodness for this forum, but it takes the input from other sufferers to help and aligne any fears, about the different effects depression deals to us, so we know we are not going mad "£$ &^%  It seems in my case that writing here about my feelings really helps and I hope will help you.  Also you can contact mindful help which has a place on the mainland, and is on this forum.

Please keep posting and others on here will try and help and you can also help others on here as well take care 

[bel]

Hi Becky  !"£
I'm another one who's struggled with depression since childhood and had less than helpful doctors and therapists. Happy to say I did eventually find a good psychotherapist who helped me a lot with a combination of CBT and other therapies, it was private though.
I also held down a full-time responsible job while being depressed (and bulimic); I had no choice as no one else was going to support me! And it was tough, so I fully understand all that. Feeling flat and merely surviving I've also been through. I'm happy to say that these days I'm not depressed and mostly enjoy life, so there is hope  ()_. Still the odd day when a I feel a bit blah though; I try to accept it and not get stressed when it happens, and usually I'm fine again next day.

It's a shame your doctor seem at a bit of a loss, all I can suggest there is that you ask what therapies are available, although there may not be much on the NHS, probably depends where you are.

To help yourself; look after yourself, try to do something you enjoy every day, even if it's only a little thing, and really allow yourself to enjoy it.

And, as lightenup says, keep posting. Just writing out what's going on and how you're feeling can be very helpful. And people on here will listen and try to help.

Best wishes, bel

[Ezel]

 (*( and  !"£

I have had two particularly good doctors - one going back to 2003 to 2006 and current doctor - who have wanted me to have the appropiate help.  Years ago there was a long wait on the NHS (can't afford to go private) so had moved out of the area by the time the appointment came through.  I recently had a referral to the mental health time as my doctor thought the best way forward is CBT but they have suggested counselling.  It hasn't worked in the past so I am skeptical about it and it means me self referring. 

Pip

[Becky83]

Thank you Ezel, Bei and Lightup all for the posts.
I try to remain positive in the face of very bad days, but sometimes it just becomes too much. Although I have remained at a maintainable level at the moment and not done anything stupid.
I do post and I do try to go through other forums and help other people. But only when I am feeling a bit better.

I get days when when I read through my diary and all I see is "depressed" on each page but the date changes and I am suddenly overcome with a feeling of hopelessness and the reoccurred question "what exactly is the point?" These days I tend not to do much or post as I just feel like a  hypocrite. Spouting on about how things will improve with time when I cannot even attest to that. All I can say now is that I am living each day, or sometimes sleeping through each day as it comes.

My Dr has suggested CBT but I said no. My argument was that I am in my head usually pretty positive. I always say "tomorrow is another day, you can do this, you can do that" and "don't worry about today and that you have no motivation to do anything, just remain calm and try again tomorrow" only time passes and then before you know it two months has gone by and I am still telling myself the same thing and  nothing is getting done.

So I then go down the route of forcing myself to do things, but it is so stressful, and painful when the motivation is not there. Its like someone telling you to do 50 pressups when you haven't eaten in a week and have just run 10 miles. The fatigue is like a physical weight around my neck. I hate it.

 I try to explain to the Dr's that the fatigue is a massive part of my depression and that I WILL NOT take any add-ons or AD that say they will make you drowsy or tired. I tried taking some add-on meds to my SSRI/SNRI and all that did, even at the starting dose, was make me sleep through the whole day. Perhaps not consistently, but enough to make me worried. I have trouble not sleeping too much as it is, to be given something sedating and told to try it for a month or two....just didn't work. (I was working full time then)

I guess what I am trying to say is that my little inner flame that seems to flicker despite it all seems to be getting smaller and smaller. And it worries me. Because the option of doing something to alleviate the pain permanently, on my bad days, becomes and less like a bad silly option and more like salvation.

I always tell myself depression is a disease like diabetes and that I need to fight it....but who can fight all the time

[lightenup]

Becky it took me nearly 3 months to get an ssi that either didn't make me more agitated or sleepy although the one I take at night along with a sleep medication.  I was rarely sleeping my brain was just so active and when I did sleep I had night terrors.  Also I was able to get a sleeping tablet that didn't leave me hungover the next day.  I dread the thought of having to come off them but they have helped as I just could not go on.

I had CBT therapy yesterday, it was pointed out to me that I need to stop exhausting myself, when I feel a little better I try to do everything and this is not helping.  CBT is like just taking little steps, and knowing when to stop.  LOl I'm great at telling I need to beging practising because this is what you have to do.  They are not telling me anything I am not aware off, but they are more confirming and assuring without you feeling that you are being lectured or judged. 

I hope I am making sense, and I know these are just aids to helping me get better.  Take care   

[bel]

Yes, being positive does seem an impossibility when you're depressed. I do sympathise, I used to hate it when people told me to think positive or think happy thoughts. But as you point out yourself, you can't keep waiting and hoping that tomorrow will be better. You have to make it better, one tiny step at a time. And it is incredibly hard to begin with, but gets easier with practise. I found there were good days when I could make progress and then days when I felt I was back to square one, and all I could do was keep trying.
If you feel CBT is not for you, is there any other therapy available? For me, understanding the roots of my depression was a major step towards getting out of it. This meant a lot of thinking and writing about all the stuff that happened in my childhood (and later), and how I reacted to it. It was a very uncomfortable process, but meant that I could make sense of my depression somehow, and I believe that was a major factor in getting out of it. You are clearly a very "thinking" person; perhaps something like this might help you.
Best wishes, bel