New to this but not depression

[Ri]

Hiya, don't know where to start really.
I have been a depressive from the age of about 13.  I was diagnosed with severe depression just after my father got killed in a freak accident.  I don't remember much about my life after that as its all a haze but I kind of ran away from home at the age of 17 to the other side of the world to Australia and married my childhood sweetheart who emigrated out there 7 months previously.  The marriage didn't last long as I was a complete mess and my husband turned out to have a drinking problem.  I left him after 1.5 years and spent the next 10 years basically jumping in and out of horrendous relationships with men where I got beaten up on a regular basis, they all had drink problems and I ended up homeless and sleeping in a park for a few years and surviving on handouts and eating whatever I could get out of various household bins.  After pulling myself out of that and getting myself an education and moving to Sydney I finally married a guy who had emigrated from Kent, UK.  After being married for 1.5 years he decides he wants to return to England and I went with him as we had just had a baby boy.  No sooner had we got back to Kent then my husband (who was the most fab husband and father) decides to go on a rail road of one affair after the other and so finally after he moved in with the next door neighbour with me living next door I decided to divorce him.  Life after that was good, my son was the most happiest little boy, and I was the most happiest I had ever been.  However it wasn't long before I destroyed all that and ended up marrying a man who turned out to be a raging sociopath.  He totally destroyed my world and nearly destroyed me.   I ended up having to hand over my son to his father and go into hiding in Wales.  I have been living here now for 3 years and as much as I have tired to overcome the guilt of what I have done, tired to get my life and myself together I just can't do it.  I just sometimes think that I will never be any good, whats the point of me even being here and as much as I refuse to admit it, I am severely depressed.  I am fed up with pills, with counsellors with psychologists, etc.  I moved here to be near my family whom I have just discovered are totally off the planet and I am better off not being around their dysfunction.  My mother is like a solid stone of iron and has been since the day my dad died - no love, no feeling, no nothing.  Don't know what else to write really.  Thank you for reading

[SocialServicesFighter]

Sounds like you've been through several mills in your life Ri.

Maybe try some 'me time'.
Read my journal in the 'journals' forum and you'll see I'm doing a similar thing to 'me time'.
I'm forgetting about what people think I should do with my life and I'm doing what I think I should do. For me.
My little ones are safe. So I concentrate on myself (that looks selfish in text form! I didn't mean it to!).
Anything including hobbies.
It's amazing how quickly recovery can be made from bad experiences when you use luxuries as a cure. Obviously not too much all at once though.


I know you said you feel guilty for certain things but do you still speak to your Boy? If he's safe and well with his Dad then push the guilt to one side and do the things you feel you need to do for you.
Even if those things are hobbies.

[Ri]

My son is in the safest place that he can be.  He is with his dad and although is dad was an awful husband he is and always will be a fab father to our son.  One of the reasons why he is with his dad is because I really do believe that my son is better off without me in his life.  I do speak to him and see him as much as I am able.  I love my son very much but I feel such a loser as his mother.

[SocialServicesFighter]

You know his Dad is a good Dad and you know you're not in the best frame of mind to take care of your Son yourself right now.
The decision you made wasn't easy, but as a loving Mother, you couldn't have made a better choice for your Boy.


Sacrificing what YOU WANT for the good of what your CHILD NEEDS is what makes a Parent a good Parent.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
(Excuse the capitals, my underline isn't working!!)

Loser Mother? You sound quite the opposite to me.

[junior]

Welcome to the forum, you have had some very hard times, and for what its worth you have done the right thing if you feel you was not well enough to take care of your son. Like SSF said maybe you need to take some time to make yourself better.
Take care.
Junior

[Shenanigans]

Hi Ri and  !"£ to the  forum. It sounds to me that your a wonderfull person, who has been through a lot. Your a good mother to your child, Youve left your son in safe, capeable and loving hands, and you make an effort to see him when you can. The advice from SSF and junior is good for you.

All the best Shenanigans

[bel]

Hi Ri and  !"£
I hope this forum helps you. I don't really have anything to add to what the others have already said. Try to be good to yourself and take it one step at a time.
Best wishes, bel

[lightenup]

Hi Ri a warm welcome to the forum, I know you don't think it but you a wonderful and strong women who has come through a lot.  Yes it is time you thought about yourself and be kind to yourself.  Take care.