Too many things are causing me anxiety on the one hand and lack of motivation on the other. I don't know how to change that situation, only ways of working round it.
I'm beginning to realise just how ignorant I am of so much which I have previously taken for granted. Anything from what is expected at a birthday party dinner in a restaurant to how to vote in a national referendum.
I'm annoyed with myself for not being able to let go and take things as they come - after all the worst case scenarios are not that bad - but I cannot. I have been robbed of the ability to enjoy life.
People say that things like social interaction or travelling to new places get easier with practice. My experience indicates that it does not and that is very demoralising. It feels more like I've been bashing my head against a brick wall for decades in the hope that one day I'll be able to have more confidence and less anxiety but that has not happened. And I'm also conscious that my lifespan is finite. Retirement has brought that home to me more than I expected.
I look back at things I've done in the past and just the thought of them makes me feel anxious. The truth seems to be that in the past I would blithely walk into social situations or do things like travel, without really thinking of the implications. Effectively what I did was to lean on other people without realising it. Now, when I have to do things on my own or if I am expected to take the lead, the anxiety rises to almost show stopping levels.
At a different level, in the past I've had opinions about wider issues such as which political party to vote for in an election or which side I would support in the Israeli/Palestinian dispute. Now it seems that these views were built on sand. The reality is that I hear only part of the story and conclude that this is representative of the whole. It may well not be and there seems no way to find out for certain.
It feels like being tossed around in a stormy sea with all sense of direction gone. Completely vulnerable and powerless to affect my circumstances other than superficially.
