Feeling low and in need of support

[Golding]

Hi
I am feeling very low and suicidal over what would seem to most people like a trivial event. A couple of nights ago I visited a bar and while ordering a drink a man who knew me vaguely said, in earshot of his friends, 'I've heard you're a bit brain dead.' I asked him who he'd heard it from and he said 'Just some people were talking, you know, and they said you were brain dead.' I told him there was nothing I could do about that and walked away. But I fumed for 48 hours then returned to the bar and let loose a stream of obscenities in this man's face. I'm not proud of that and it didn't take a wrinkle out of this man. In fact it only really served to prove him right. But you have to understand that I just couldn't help it and I feel like I'm losing control. So I'm posting this in the hope that I can get some constructive suggestions about how to handle this situation.
My reaction can be explained somewhat in terms of a turbulent school life back in the days when teachers used to systematically humiliate you in class. I'm obviously not brain dead, nor am I unintelligent in any way, but my school memories still have me waking up at nights. I lack confidence and I felt this insult was just about the worse thing someone could say to me. And yet when I read through this it just sounds like I'm being really immature (and I am). Please help.

[junior]

Hi Golding, have you spoken to your Gp about your past troubles? Talking really helps, if someone said I was brain dead I would have done the same thing as you and had ago at them.
Hope you feel better soon.
Junior

[bel]

Hi  Golding,

I'm also not surprised you reacted the way you did. That was a really cruel thing to say to you. Childhood hurts and humiliations are very hard to overcome and often at the root of depression and low self-esteem (were for me anyway). Perhaps you reacted the way you did because in your subconscious you became that child again, so this was not a trivial event. Try not to give yourself a hard time about it. You have recognised that your problems arise from your past, and that gives you somewhere to start in getting help. In the meantime, consider that the man in the bar is rude and cruel, as well as immature, to have made such a comment, and that's his problem. As junior suggests, talk to your doctor and try to get some help, and keep talking.
All the best, bel   

[SocialServicesFighter]

Don't feel bad about having a go back, just don't get physically abusive. Otherwise the Cops will get involved and you really don't want to deal with that while you're sorting out your head.

This guy sounds like a complete twat, I had a similar experience about 7 years ago when a taxi driver walked up to me and out of the blue, started accusing me of theft. I'd never seen the guy in my life!

Just remember these idiots are just that, idiots.

As the othets have said, see your GP, he will have ideas on how to help.

Good luck.

[Golding]

Thanks everyone for your posts. As SocialServicesFighter points out, this guy is a complete twat. But I'm kind of disappointed with myself for rising to it and that's what's dragging me down (I also feel a near homicidal desire to apply a stainless steel wok to his head - but don't worry I know that's the wrong thing to do). Good advice I'm hearing about talking to my GP. However, I should point out that my GP is aware of my moods and does prescribe prozac. Then there's another doctor who spends his time arguing with me about anti-depressants and sick notes. Between the two of them they don't seem to dispense any actual cognitive healing therapy (and my previous GPs refused to even recognise my illness, so I'm scared to change again). I'm not sure I've met a GP adequately trained to diagnose and effectively treat depression.

Thanks again for your replies.

[lightenup]

Hi Golding, totally understand what you did to this twat, and you probably now think how you could have handled it better.  Ignorance is the lowest form of wit (this twat was trying to show off in front of his mates.  For myself dealing with this rage that appears from nowhere (never was like this) is difficult and I lash out the one closest to me.  However now I take myself away from a situation if I can and listen to music or have a bath, and breath ........

My Dr is good an I go to CBT, but GP have a broad base of area to cover, so don't think they would understand completely.  Sorry to those who may beg to differ, but I think it is a case if you have never been here you would not fully understand, like many things in life.  However a Dr can send you in the right direction.

[Golding]

Hello again. Thought I'd jot down my latest trial down the pub of abuse. I went in there earlier to cover for someone playing a pool match. Found the place full of people calling me brain dead and sniggering behind their grubby little palms. I felt like Carrie on her prom night. If I'd had psychic powers the whole pub would've gone up like someone had dropped a daisy cutter on it. Bastards bastard bastards! But the real bitch of it is that my own reaction brought this down on my own head.
However, on a positive note I will not ever, no never, be revisiting that poxy hole for as long as I live. Hopefully I'll start to get better. Beneath all my anger I do feel a little selfish blurting all this out on here while there's people with disabilities and those that live in a state of famine, but I just can't stop raging about it. In fact I feel like going down there with a Zippo and a can of fuel and torching the place. What will always stop me doing this is my still (barely) intact sense of proportion. To start waging a campaign of apocalyptic vengence is clearly not going to make things better (or will it? - that's a voice I'm hearing. Not literally 'hearing' but the impulse is pretty strong). I have got to stay in control so I'm here again appealing for sympathy and reassurance - which makes me feel kind of pathetic at the same time. And all this because some no-marks in a pub called me names. I read through this and I just think 'Christ's sake, man up!'

[SocialServicesFighter]

Don't worry about having a rant on here mate.
Sounds like you've made a positive step by deciding not to go there again. If in doubt, throw it out, as my Mum says.

[junior]

Hi Golding, you are right not to react this time, it sounds like the people there were trying to bully you to get a reaction, I think you are also right not to go back.
Junior

[bel]

Agree with SSF and Junior. Well done for moving on.