Hi everyone this is going to be a long post so I understand if it's too much to read I just need to write all this down.
I don't know what is depression and what is my mind telling me the truth. In my mind it's constantly going "you're nearly 27, your boyfriend of 3 and a half years hasn't asked you to marry him yet and no wonder cause he deserves better. You are so behind in life you don't own a house, you don't have children and you haven't even managed to get a dog yet, the one thing in life you so desperately want but still you haven't achieved because you are useless. You can't talk about it with your boyfriend because when you try you realize how ridiculous you sound. You want to ask him why he hasn't asked you to marry him but at the same time you would never get to the wedding stage because the thought of organizing something as big as that sends you into a panic. So what you want to say is hey tom why haven't you asked me to marry you so that we can just be engaged forever cause I'll constantly back out of organizing the actual wedding cause that many people in one room staring at me is impossible. He deserves better yet he won't leave. My mind will not shut up. I have sertraline in the cupboard that my doc gave me months ago but I'm too scared to take them because of the horrendous side affects. I was going to take it today out of desperation but I remembered I'm going to toms parents for the weekend and I hardly want to be vomiting or having worse bouts of depression when I'm there. Then this dark patch will fade and I won't take them for another few months then the dark patch will return and again I will come up with an excuse not to take them.
How do I talk about ANY of this? I sound utterly ridiculous. I hate myself.
Thanks for for reading if you have got this far. You are nothing but kind.
