Author Topic: Oh dear!  (Read 2323 times)

Amanda_George

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Oh dear!
« on: February 19, 2016, 04:32:49 PM »
Prepare to flex your groaning muscles - don't say you weren't warned!

Some swearing in the first one:

Lady: Do you Drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: So, where's your f***ing Ferrari then?


They’re finally making a movie called clocks. It’s about time.

I love marriage proposals. They’re so engaging!

If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!

I think every morning that I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.

The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.

Jokes with punch lines can be painfully funny.

I use to be a baby but I grew out of it.

An untalented gymast walks into a bar

I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.


A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're
a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

And the minister said, "Lady, I'm in sales,  not tech support."


A Woman decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Startled, the woman grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Amazed, the woman was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

“There are no fish under the ice!!”

Petrified, the woman looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”


Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

    #9   Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

    #8   Life is sexually transmitted.

    #7   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    #6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

    #5   Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

    #4   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

    #3   All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    #2   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    #1   Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.



An Englishman applying for a visa to Australia is asked if he has ever been convicted of a felony. "Oh dear," he says, "Is that still a requirement?"


Sorry!  Can't say I didn't warn you though!   :tongue0015:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.