in need of help and advice

[Burley]

Hi All,

I have never even been on a forum of any kind before so im very new to this, I joined because nothing else is working and I struggle to talk to people about how I feel as it doesnt make sense to me so why should it make sense to anyone else Just wanted a bit of help I dont want to be like this forever. Guess I should first give you guys a profile of myself 

I am female, 27 years old, live in Yorkshire in the UK and have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember although it was only diagnose and named 9 years ago when I was first diagnosed I was really bad and used to self harm and had attempted other stuff too My Auntie wanted me committed, I was on prozac for 2 years and was then moved to venlafaxine for 4 years these helped but never solved anything3 years agoo i came off medication successfully and stayed off for 2 years I still had bad days but not as many and i coped with it however about a year ago I had to go back on medication because I got really bad again I currently take 150mg of venlafaxine a day which helps but I still have really bad days where I cant leave the house I have managed to hold down a job (I have no idea how because i have a lot of time off sick) I see a psychiatrist every few months but I dont find this helps they have tried to send me for CBT but they have it in group sessions and I can not handle that amount of people.

Im hear because I have started having thoughts about hurting myself again and i know i need to do something about it so im hoping some of you guys will be able to give me some help and advice

PS sorry for the very long post

[SocialServicesFighter]

Self harm is not the answer to your problems. No matter how sh*t things feel. Put those thoughts away, it's not easy to do so but you have to.

My thoughts on the 'help' you're receiving:

Psychiatrists are no good, they only look at the possible causes and never try to find the cure. All they do is talk about the problem.

You'd be better seeing a Psychotherapist.

A Psychotherapist will help in finding the causes and also give you advice and therapeutic cures to the problems.

Look up the name Peter Marsden-Allen on google. If you can't find him then p.m me, I'll send you his number.

[astrid]

Hi again,

I used to hurt myself lots and lots til about 8 months ago. Although at the time I felt it was completely acceptable and normal for me as I'd been doing it for about 10 years I see now it's very destructive, not only from a physical point of you but also in the way it affected the people around me. Cutting myself then having to tell my partner felt so shameful. Especially when I saw his face, he looked devastated and confused it was awful, then he started doing it too. That was when I knew I could never do it again.

I've often felt the urge to cut myself many times recently but there are things I do to distract myself. Browsing the internet for people's experiences has been probably the biggest help. When I feel I get to the point where I'm scared I'll do it I just start reading loads of things online about getting help and how other people cope.

Also, one thing that I've seen as being recommended was to create a box of happy things that may take your mind away from that horrible place. Fill the box with sweeties, happy pictures etc......

Mine has fudgy wudgies, some pictures of kittens, a picture of my sister, a letter my boyfriend wrote to me, a good luck charm my Mum gave me and some silly stories I cut out the paper that make me laugh. I spent ages decorating it so it's just this little box nice, girly happiness. I don't know if this may help you. I know when I first heard of it I thought it sounded pretty trivial but it's turned out to be a good idea.

Also, what helps me is writing. I love it. A few months ago my head was in a terrible place and I began to write a suicide note. I kept blabbering away and it became a story. It changed from a suicide note into just a fictional story of someone commiting suicide. Obviously the person in the story is me but I made it fictional rather than a reality. In December last year it was published much to my surprise in a book of short stories. Maybe, when you feel like hurting yourself you can channel your energy into a creative pursuit. I now find the pain is a terrific motivation to create something beautiful.

Apologies for the epic ramble. I hope I can help.
xx

[Burley]

Hi SSF

Thank you for your reply.

I know self harm isnt the answer as it ruined my life before I do fight the urge but it scares me that i still get this urge,
 I just feel like im running out of options as nothing makes me feel better and im running out of fight and dont know where to turn..

I checked out the name you gave me I assume he is a private psycotherapist which I would not be able to afford but it does give me something to speak to my GP about so thank you very much.

Burleyx x

[junior]

Hi burley, sorry my post is late, I too used to self harm but with med's, it was a hard thing to stop but my children were a big help just seeing them would pull me from the thoughts, maybe you could find something that makes you smile and keep it with you so when you get those bad thoughts you can look at it, like the box idea.
Take care.
Junior

[Burley]

Hi Junior,

Thanks for you post.

My medication does work but I still have bad times, thank you all for suggesting having a happy thoughts item however this sounds really bad but I have tried to do this before and just found I couldnt find anything that makes me smile I have lots of things that bring back memories but none that make me feel happy im not sure I have ever actually felt 'happy' I have had times when I didnt feel like this and have had days when I feel 'ok' but for as long as i can remember thats as good as it gets.

The self harm is under control even though I get the thoughts I fight them but the feeling is still there and its that feeling that rips me apart im just not sure im strong enough to keep fighting but have no other option.

Burley x

[junior]

Hi burley, have wont tried to write down what happens on a good/ok day? That way you can find what makes you feel good.
Hope that helps.
Junior

[Burley]

I will give it a go thanks

[bel]

Hi Burley,

Sorry, I'm a bit late on this one. 

I agree with SSF, in my experience psychiatrists are a waste of time. A counsellor or psychotherapist should be far more helpful. If you have been struggling with depression most of your life there are probably some very deep-rooted issues at the bottom of it and you may need to understand and come to terms with them before you can get any relief. That has been my experience anyway, I was also depressed from early childhood, and it has taken me 'til now (age 47) to really get sorted out. (Don't panic though! you don't need to suffer for another 20 years, it just took me that long to admit how bad I was and to get the help I needed!) I understand the feeling of never having been happy, it sounds very melodramatic doesn't it, but that was me too, real happiness was a total mystery to me. So start small, things that are just ok, as junior suggests. Try to make a little happiness for yourself now. It's a real cliche of course, but try a nice walk, hot bath, something you can do for yourself and enjoy.

I love Astrid's ideas, but understand how the happy box may be hard for you. Writing is definitely a good one. Writing out bad stuff can get it out of your head a bit and let you look at it instead of just having it buzzing around inside.

If you can't afford to pay for help, try Mindful Help. They offer a free service. They have a website and sometimes post on here. And, if it helps, just post on here, whatever you feel.

Best wishes, bel