Need help, i'm going out of my mind :'(

[Tiggyangel]

Hi again guys,
so things were going pretty well for a few months, i was working full time in a lab doing something that suited me, then management decide to move me down to the preparation area, basically for 8 hours a day i'm pouring various kinds of liquids, rivers, sewers, farms ect, so it certainly wasn't pleasent. I thought it would be for a week or two... so 2 and a half months later i'm still there and i've been told that i'm not needed where i was before and i'm to stay in prep until the end of my contract so they dont have to spend money on agency staff.

Now normally this wouldn't be so bad, but i'm literally living in dread every day, i'm having to listen to the same music every day on a crappy radio station that they play and that all they people around me speak a foreign language to each other so i've felt so isolated and stressed over the past 10 weeks. It's resulted in me self harming again and having to take several days off work.
Right now it's got to the point where i'm just so paranoid and i'm constantly trying to fight compulsions to self harm, the only one who has been any help to me is my partner, it feels like my closest friends have abandoned me.
Sorry i've been rambling but i'm at my breaking point, normally my bad times would only last a few days but this has lasted for 10 weeks.

I've only got 3 weeks left of my contract so i've got the added pressure of looking for another job.
Just feel so worthless i can't carry on like this anymore something terrible is going to happen but i don't know what

[Amanda_George]

OMG!  I'm so sorry your job is making you feel low... your boss should be treating you better than they are right now!  I'm glad your partner is supporting you... are there any temping agencies you could go to or the job centre or something like that?  Is your career advertised in any specialist newspapers or magasines or anything?  I don't know what else to say so I'll just send you a  if you want it?

[Pip]

Have you spoken to your boss about the others talking in their first language in front of you?

It is extrremely rude of them to do this anyway and personally I wouldn't tolerate it.  When I was training as a nurse there were a number of overseas students whose second language was English so the rest of us to be firm with them that it was rude not to speak English in front of us.

[Tiggyangel]

Hi guys thank you so much for the replies,  I'm just on a bus home after trying to go to work and having a panic attack on the way there the people at my work must think I'm pathetic.
I've got an interview tomorrow so I'm going to try and focus on that after I muster up the courage to call work.
Hopefully I'll have another interview soon. I thought today was going to go ok but it didn't,  every day seems to be like this.
Just hope I can keep it together tomorrow
I swear I'm going insane

[Amanda_George]

   How did the interview go today?  After what your job have put you through it's totally understandable you feel bad!  I hope you find a better job soon!

[Pip]

I'm hoping all went well.

[Tiggyangel]

Hi guys, sorry it's taken a while to reply,  I didn't get the job I went to the interview for. I buggered up the test I had to do,  some technical things on there I hadn't heard of before.  Just waiting for the verdict on another interview I went to,  hoping that this one is positive otherwise I've wasted £50 on train travel.
I'm trying not to have much chocolate at the moment,  just eating microwave noodles mostly as it's cost effective (since we don't have much money coming in) and I don't have the concentration or effort to cook a meal myself

[Amanda_George]

  for you, Tiggyangel

I'm sorry you didn't get the job but hopefully you will get the other one you went for.  I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!

[Pip]

That's a shame about the job but will keep you in my thoughts for the next one.

[Sweetpea]

Fingers crossed for the next job, its so disappointing when we don't get the job. Hopefully the right one will come along soon for you.

[stewart]

Hi Tiggyangel,
it is indeed rather rude to speak their native language in front of you, even worse as they know you cant understand them.
technical questions can be a bit daunting if they are out of your field,
hope you find one your comfortable with soon

[Tiggyangel]

Hi guys, I didn't get the other job either and wasted about £50,  and I'm now into my overdraft and surviving on my partners 0 hour wage and the small wedding fund I worked so hard to build up. I'm so exhausted all the time and constantly aching, I've had to go for a telephone sales job which I don't even know if I'll be able to do. I worked in targeted sales before and it was driving me close to suicide. Needless to say things aren't great and I have an ever growing pit of fear and anxiety building inside.

I went to see the local mental health team and they suggested more intensive cbt therapy, which I'll have to wait 20 weeks for

I've been self harming again and have no idea how much longer I can go before everything just breaks down

[Amanda_George]

  if you want it?

Could you maybe ask for some advice from the job centre or go to a temping agency or anything like that?  Far from ideal, but at least you'd have some money coming in?   

[Tiggyangel]

Hi thanks for the hugs, i got rejected from the call centre so 3 years of university studies are seeming wasted at the moment, i ried for a tock assiant and got rejected for that too. i tried going to the supermarket for food and couldn't even manage to go inside. i haven't been to he job centre yet as i don't know if they'd offer me anything since my partner is on a 0 hours contract. We can't pay bills without eating into the wedding fund so it will probably have to be canceled.

Had my brother on the phone to me again as well in tears after he and my mum had another row since he's just left his job but he still lives at home with them. so he might be staying with us for sometime, in our 1 bedroom apartment. where i'll have to listen about how much he hate our parents and wants them dead.

I saw the mental health team and it's going to be 28 weeks before any therapy. by which point i'll probably be dead anyway or close to it if things carry on like this.

I've lost all self worth, nothing but a failure to myself and everyone around me. I can't bear to sleep next to my partner because i know i'll just be awake for hours thinking all of this over and over again in my head. my whole life is just slowly decaying around me

[Amanda_George]

What did you study at university, Tiggy?  The job centre should help you to find a job and you'll be able to get Jobseekers allowance which while it won't be a lot will help a little bit. 

If your brother stays with you, could you maybe ask him for rent each month he's with you?  Again, it won't be much but better than nothing?