Author Topic: Relapsed again and tired of it all  (Read 7499 times)

rjs

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Relapsed again and tired of it all
« on: August 08, 2015, 12:33:20 AM »
I think my last post on here was an attempt to hopefully inspire others to keep going and keep fighting. It's a shame then that I can't follow my own advice. After a tough time at work and a home life that's not ideal I'm back on the drugs again. A triple combination of duloxetine, amisulpride and pregabalin. And it's not working. I still need sleeping tablets to sleep, I have zero motivation and no enthusiasm for life whatsoever.

I feel that nobody is listening any longer. My other half doesn't want to know and can't face my problems. I feel like I've alienated my friends who no longer deserve to suffer my moans and groans. I'm a toy for the psychiatrist who's just paying his games with me trying different combinations of drugs. Nobody seems to be able to see that inside I'm screaming and on the ragged edge. I've had enough. Two weeks ago I barely stopped myself from attempting to take my own life. I'm not sure what did but I'm petrified that the next time... Well, I might not be so lucky, or unlucky, depending on your viewpoint. I don't know what stopped me then and right now I hope that it doesn't get in the way again.

My care coordinator was dismissive of my suicidal thoughts and I don't feel any sense of trust there, so don't feel comfortable making an approach there. I don't know what the crisis team would do if I called them, so that leaves precisely no-one.

Maybe I'll do it right next time.

Amanda_George

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2015, 10:16:21 AM »
How would you feel about seeing your GP and asking for a referral to someone else as you obviously don't trust your current team and they don't take you seriously.  Please call your crisis team just in case they help or the Samaritans?  I know I barely know you but I do care about you and want you to be safe and well!
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May your life be as pleasant as you are.

rjs

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2015, 11:24:44 PM »
Thanks Amanda. I've had enough of the whole ride. If I try and get to my GP it'll take at least two to three weeks and apathy rules. It feels better just for venting. (The whole point of this forum, right?) But I'm just fed up of going through the mill over and over and never getting better. And I think that whatever has been stopping me from doing something stupid is gradually eroding. I'm scared but nobody seems to be taking it seriously. Maybe they know me better than I do.

Amanda_George

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2015, 10:44:27 AM »
Maybe ask your GP to put the referral through urgently or print off your post and give it to him/her?  I've been where you are in the past and I tried to take my life several times because I was thinking pretty much what you've written and had no support so I do understand rjs!  Please keep talking and venting whenever you need to and I'll always listen... I may not have anything useful to say, but I will listen and understand!   :hug: if you want it?
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Emma_Mc

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2015, 12:38:29 AM »
Hey rjs i know that dark place your in, im there right now, can you see me? can you see me? course you cant its so dark in this place we cant find our damn way out!! feels like im never gonna get out, same as you i feel as though i've alienated everyone around me to the point i feel as though im just a burden to them i know even my kids would be better off without me, damn i think they even know it too :( i've been going round in circles for the best part of 15 maybe even 20yrs been so long i've lost count, PLEASE keep your thoughts positive i know someone will hear our screams eventually!!

                                                                                                                          Love Emma :bye:

Amanda_George

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2015, 01:54:57 PM »
 :hug: for rjs and another  :hug: for Emma
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2015, 06:25:16 PM »
rjs and Emma,

How are you two feeling?

rjs

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2015, 07:55:31 PM »
It's been a while, I saw my psychiatrist and care coordinator yesterday. I'm still not convinced they're listening but I am feeling more positive than when I kicked off this thread. My meds have been adjusted and today I did feel somewhat more energised, so perhaps I have been over medicated and that's been responsible for leaving me tired and run down. That said, work stresses are creeping in again. I'm going to have to do something about that before it results in me taking more sick leave. Do I feel able to do that? I guess that's the big question. It's going to be a difficult discussion that's for sure. The company wants me to work extra hours (for free) just to keep up with the normal work rather than taking on an extra person to share the workload. That seems to be the way companies are these days, but that doesn't make it right in my eyes. Am I ok at the moment? I guess. I'm not thinking about doing anything dumb at the moment, but I can see that it won't take much to top me over the edge again. Oh for a nice windfall where I could tell the company to shove it.  :bash:

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2015, 09:26:26 PM »
I admire you being able to work, I know its so hard when suffering with depression.  As for the extra workload, you are right it seems most companies want more from  people.  The stress people are under these days is terrible.  I hope the new med dosage helps.
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Amanda_George

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2015, 10:04:43 AM »
It sounds like your psychiatrist and care co-ordinator don't care about you... how would you feel about asking for a different, more supportive care team?  I appreciate that the last thing you want to do right now is to start again with someone new but maybe that's better than being left where you are now with no support?  I'm glad the med reduction seems to be helping though!

I don't know what sort of job you've got, but would you be able to work from home or anything like that?

 :hug: if you want it?
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

rjs

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2015, 12:43:45 PM »
I'd feel awkward asking for a new care team and I don't know if there's another psychiatrist available. Perhaps they do care but I'm just not seeing it. That's the nature of this illness - you see the negative side of everything.

As for the job, I can and do work from home which does help but it's the pressure to do more work (when really they should be recruiting more people) and its impact on work-life balance that's hitting me hard. I don't feel like I can do any more hours but they still push for more because "we have to keep the customer happy". If I don't comply I feel that I'll be squeezed out of the job. If I do comply it'll affect my mental health still further. I can't win. Writing this I'm now taking time off work on sick leave as I had a panic attack this morning and simply could not face work. It's danger time for me now as this is when I start thinking dark thoughts.

Amanda_George

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2015, 01:02:23 PM »
How would you feel about asking your GP for a new care team?  S/he should be on your side with this sort of thing and if you explain how you feel about your current care team, s/he should be able to sort things out from there for you... at least that's what my GP did when I told him in a letter (I didn't feel brave enough to say it to his face) about how unhappy I was with Dr Invisible's poor care of me!  Maybe you could write to your GP too?

With your job, maybe phone the CAB to see if they can help you with the pressure your work bods are piling on you!  Do they know about your mental illness?  They shouldn't be forcing anyone like they are forcing you!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

MamaLou

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2015, 06:15:11 PM »
rjs,

I wouldn't be able to do the things Amanda has suggested. Asking for a new care team and approaching the CAB about your job would be very tough if you were feeling well, but it's nigh on impossible when you're depressed and anxious. I'm not sure what I would suggest otherwise, I'm not the best person to advise on coping or getting well.

MamaLou

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2015, 07:07:46 PM »
Thank you MamaLou... maybe rjs could email the CAB and phone their GP instead of going in person?  :-)
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

MamaLou

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Re: Relapsed again and tired of it all
« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2015, 08:10:29 PM »
I think I meant I wouldn't manage it at all. Losing your job on top of everything else might be more than I could cope with ( if I wasn't too ill to work that is !). Just meant its not that easy.

Sorry, that's probably not helpful at all.