Hey guys

[Luckydice]

I am just realizing i need help really,tbh I've been suffering depression since i moved away from Scotland in 2010.It's now 2015..... i'm at university studying the course which is going to lead me into for dream career.I've also have a new group of friends which i frequently go out with. My life at the moment is a mess really emotionally detached from everything which how i've dealt with depression for years.it's not that i'm constantly have low moods it's just i can't really recall the last time i enjoyed something in life......When i am depressed i seriously question the point of my existence and these have last for minutes to hours to days to even months. It all started at home really all i've been doing for the past 5 years is been playing LoL constantly,i even checked how many day's i've wasted on that game 119 days fml.I've been isolated from people back at home in 2010 i ever had any friends i just kept to myself and that worked for a time.It's so f***ed up that i've normalized to depression and i don't even care about much anymore,recently i had a girl friend which i broke up with because i wasn't used to being so intimate with some else and i convinced my self being to self was fine till recently when i me and my friends tried MDMA,i'm never doing ever again.However it was useful for one thing i completely opened up to my friends.The first thing i said was about depression and the suicidal thoughts i have sometimes when my depression is at the worst in my life to one my friends.I was really happy at this point obviously due to the drugs and it felt good admitting this to my friends,but the come down the day after was grim as f***.I've never felt as depressed in my life at this very moment and after this event it's kinda like the barrier i build to ignore and put with depression has melted away and i've just coming to the realization that i do need help.My parents don't know about this neither do many people in my self i just feel like i'm alone.I just wana clear up that i've never self harmed and i never plan to at all but f*** i just keep on ignoring this by listening to heavy metal and playing video games.I haven't even listed everything here really tbh but i am being honest

[Pip]

Hi Luckydice and welcome,

I found myself nodding through your post.  My story is very different to yours and I started suffering with depression when I was about 12 years except I didn't understand I was depressed tillmany years later.  By that time I had built up barriers, had trust issues (still do) and I finally told my parents I suffer with depression in 2005. I may as well have told them I had flu as they told me they hoped I would be better soon.  My mum never knew the full extent of my depression as she died four years ago but I recently let my dad know everything in a letter.  Long story why I did that and I still don't know how my dad has coped with the news. 

[Amanda_George]

Welcome to the forum, Luckydice!  Like Pip I was nodding as I read your intro... my depression started as a young child because of child a*use then a r*pe then a twin miscarriage the week of my 19th birthday then turned into psychosis when I was harassed on a newsgroup and it's been with me ever since!

Don't give up though... it's a very long, incredibly hard battle, but you can win the battle and you've made a brave first step by admitting that you have depression and a great second step asking for support... you can do it, Luckydice, just keep talking whenever you need or want to and you'll get there in the end!

[SteveW]

Good luck with the dream career. The job market is supposed to easing but things still seem pretty tough to me. You don't say whether you are receiving any treatment for depression. It might be worth thinking about if things are bad enough to merit that. If you are at university you might have a student counselling centre, quite a lot do.

I think you are wise to avoid MDMA. When Raves and MDMA hit the UK in quantity I was teaching a 25 strong A Level Psychology group. A lot of my students took to MDMA, well over half of them. To me 3 of them were adversly affected in depression related ways. I had been teaching one girl for 3 years and she'd never shown any signs of depression. She took MDMA and only a few days later was hit by a really bad depression. It put her in hospital for a while. I had two guys who were heavily in to all sorts of stuff, they kept trying to convince me that candyflipping was the way forward for me. They both developed moderate depressions. They stopped looking after themselves, they lost interest in everything except MDMA, their mood was low most of the time and their abilities as students took a nose dive. One of them needed antidepressants. I think that is quite a lot of depression when you are thinking of 12-3 people. The clincher for me was when the godfather of MDMA, Sasha Shulgin, wrote that he thought it was prudent to be sparing in how often you took MDMA. MDMA and depression don't really mix for me.

Anyway I wish you well. Maybe we'll talk again.

Love

Steve

[Luckydice]

Yeah as i said i'm not touching MDMA ever again :)

[Amanda_George]

 Sounds like a wise decision, Luckydice!  How are you doing today?   

[stewart]

Welcom Luckydice, uni can be fun at times, and a strain on the brain over exam times.
hope you do well, and get good grades