Stuck in a rut

[swshaun]

Hello there folks,

I am 35 and feel as if my life is in the toilet and can not see a way forward. Sadly the decisions I took in my twenties have not panned out too well.

I am up to my eyeballs in debt (but not debt crisis), worked my self into a stupour with nothing to show for it, feel like I have wasted my Maths degree as I am so rusty on the subject, I can not get passionate about anything any more and all I see is people getting on in life, and any effort to further my life is just feels futile.

I am married however owing to my hubbys work commitments, be has been largely absent the past few months so I do feel lonely at times.

When I go out with friends, I ensure there is at least three of us as I am seldom able to contribute anything meaningful to a conversation and it feels embarassing.

I have been in the same job for seven years -- I got promoted but that did not work out, so I applied for demotion after 5 years as the sheer volume of work expected from one individual was way too much, and that's where I was diagnosed with depression.

Now I feel aimless in life at a point where I feel I should be settlef. It will take around two years to pay the debts down which is when I can consider perhaps moving jobs.

But even if I did pay down the debt... I do not know what I would do in life. Very little makes me happy these days and I feel I have achieved so little in the past 10 years, and can not decide what to do to make the next ten years more meaningful for me.

I feel ashamed of myself letting things get to this point.

[stewart]

Hi swshaun, not being in a position to use your math skills it is understandable you feel you have gone a bit rusty in that area,
but im sure if you were in a position where you needed them, they would reemerge and you will get back into the swing if things.
(says me who is only good with basic maths)

[Amanda_George]

I echo what Stewart has said... you're ill, not a machine!  Would you expect an athlete to work if they'd broken their leg?  Thought not, so why are you expecting it of yourself?   

[swshaun]

Problem I have is that due to the debt I am trapped in my job for two years minimum, and I am struggling to improve myself having not done this for some years owing to my past job having burnt me out after 5 years.

My confidence is through the floor, I do not know what makes me happy any more nor can to concentrate long enough to study.

If anyone has experienced that, how have you got yourself back up? I have been in state of meh-ness for a couple of years now.

[Amanda_George]

Problem I have is that due to the debt I am trapped in my job for two years minimum, and I am struggling to improve myself having not done this for some years owing to my past job having burnt me out after 5 years.

My confidence is through the floor, I do not know what makes me happy any more nor can to concentrate long enough to study.

If anyone has experienced that, how have you got yourself back up? I have been in state of meh-ness for a couple of years now.

Yup, BTDT myself... you need to look after yourself while you are feeling cruddy and just take it a minute at a time.  Have you tried simple things like punching playdough or popping bubblewrap or going out for a short walk or having a long hot bath or anything like that?  Maybe make a list of free things that would help you to express your feelings?  Do you keep a diary or blog or anything like that... somewhere to really let rip whenever you need to?   2c   

[swshaun]

Punching playdough is not my style haha

Aside from writing my thoughts now and again, not really. Just started swimming but feel like I am going through the motions with life and have been for years.

[Amanda_George]

Punching playdough is not my style haha

Aside from writing my thoughts now and again, not really. Just started swimming but feel like I am going through the motions with life and have been for years.

How about just playing with the playdough... twisting it and pulling it apart and just generally let your hands express what is going on in your  head?  Did that even make sense?  lol

It's a good move to go swimming... take it slowly and steadily and try to feel the water on your skin and describe it in your head - is it hot or warm or cold, can you feel the water lapping against your skin?

Take everything at your own pace... don't let anyone rush or slow you down!   

[SteveW]

I think I would probably give the playdough a miss in what ever variety. It seems you were doing fine until you were promoted to an unworkable job as Radiohead put it "a job that slowly kills you." I am sure demoting yourself was an excellent move, but too late. You'd already subjected yourself to awful stress long enough to trigger a depression.

I don't know whether you had a genetic tendency or it was pure stress. The point is that you still have it. One symptom in particular which is its tendency to turn everything that is good into garbage. I can't know what treatment you have had but you are a classic case for therapy. Even if you have had it you need it again. If you could clear the depression you could plan for a satisfying future at the same time.

I hope things start to improve soon.

Love

Steve

[swshaun]

That kind of summarises my situation Steve -- as a result of 4 or 5 years of sheer work related stress, it feels that the damage is done.

Trying to start again on say, my Maths or my computer programming just leads me know where.

Any passion for life, enthusiasm, call it what you will has gone from me, and I don't know how to get back to my best as I feel I no longer knows what makes me happy any more.

All I have to show for those intensive years are depression, self doubt and a teriffic amount of debt which is going to take a couple of years to sort out.

It hurts as it feels like life has passed me by, is passing me by, and all I see is people getting on with their lives, achieveing what they set out to do.

I have had counselling, am on sertraline (100mg / day) and just feel like I am drifting aimlessly through life with mo goals, motivation or clues how to get back to my best.

[SteveW]

Most of the things you describe are the the symptoms of depression and you stand a good chance of getting out of them. 100 mg of Sertraline isn't an industrial dose and you could go way higher or try something else. But I suspect it will be talking therapy rather than drugs that will help you. Maybe a different variety. Not Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

I would see your GP and ask for more drugs and a referral to a counselling project. You have a number of positives in your life. I can't see why shouldn't build on them.

[Pip]

Try not to feel ashamed of letting things get this far.  Accepting you're depressed and knowing that you need to do certain things done ie debts need to be paid is half the battle.  Realistically you can get better and get the right help for you will be good.

[swshaun]

How do I come to terms that my lifes decisions got me here?

[SteveW]

You are very hard on yourself. Unless there is something you haven't mentioned, in my terms you have very little to come to terms with. You graduated, get a reasonably paid job and a bunch of Credit Cards. You went a bit over the top with your spending. This is not unusual. When my eldest daughter got her first credit card she maxed it out on a £1000 pair of shoes. But all that is just the past for you. You're paying it back and are getting close to the end. Some things don't need resolution they just need putting down to youthful experience.

The only other thing is your unfortunate job choice. Well you can hardly be blamed for that. Promotion usually is a good idea. Your problem will be what you do next. I know nothing about computer programming. You'll know the possibilities. It could be that your work experience has spoilt your love of Maths completely. But there are other fields and your graduate status will help you.

If there are deeper and more complex regrets from your 20's that would make things different. But I can't know any of that. Take care.

Love

Steve

[swshaun]

Thank you Steve.

Our joint debt is north of £20k. Sadly I can not leave my job -- this is the present and will be the future for a long time.

Sadly the story of my twenties is poor financial decisions, mainly to keep my social skills up -- I spent time with friends a lot, friends I no longer have.

Now I am 35, I find myself on what would be considered a great income but at the same time penniless, with few social skills, no real skill to speak of any more, just wishing time away until the debt dies.

[Amanda_George]

Yup, I've been where you are... maybe you could call the companies you owe money to and ask for a reduced payment plan and no interest and they take the agreed amount each month?  That's what I'm doing with all my credit cards... it won't save you a fortune, but it will give you a small amount of spare cash every month.  For example, I'm paying £450 a month to all the people I owe money to and I've got just over £300 spare a month.  With that I'm saving up to buy Steve a used car and the rest of it is there if I find something I want that doesn't cost more than a certain amount each month.

Maybe make a list of your income and regular bills that need to be paid then work out how much you can realistically pay each of them a month.

A couple of years ago I had 4 store cards and 3 credit cards that were all maxed out and I couldn't afford the monthly payment each month.

I've now totally paid off 3 of the store cards and reduced the monthly payments to a total of £150 a month to the remaining ones... no more red letters or pressurising phone calls - the companies are guaranteed to get the money each month and they've stopped putting pressure on me to make payments I can't afford.  They may want you to stop spending on the reduced payment plan, BTDT right now and it's hard but do-able.  It may mean shopping at Lidl instead of Harrods or whatever, but the pressure will hopefully stop!

I'm not saying it'll be easy... those first few months will be hard but you can do it, Shaun... take it slowly but surely and you'll get there in the end!