Hi, mental here....

[craig84]

Yes so it seems i must come to terms with the fact im mental, odd, wierd, crazy or whatver labels people wanna use!

Ive gone through depression from the darkest parts of it, now im trying to sustain normality... which btw is working and bettering yourself and your life apparently, i now am being completely honest about it with everyone.. im depressed.. and wot!!

I aint perfect for some but there have been and will be more people im imperfectly perfect which is good enough..

There are times i wanna crawl in my cave and hide... or get off my face to seperate my mind from the &$%+ im surrounded by... i go through all the motions.. despair, anxiety, outbursts at the wrong people, pushing people away and secluding myself.. doing dumb &$%+ and embaressing myself..

I work 50hrs plus a week for a multi national firm its a good stable job... im on the verge of losing cos i have been a twat..

But im ok with it.. ive learned more and can maybe use the time to concentrate on me now i am in therapy again.. maybe work part time...

Im still trying to be normal but now on my terms !!

Hello newbs 

[stewart]

Hi Craig,
please don't be so hard on yourself,
being open and honest about how you feel is a step in the right direction.

Trying to hide the way you feel can add additional stress to your mind, and make you feel even worse,
and that is the last thing anyone with depression needs,

If your colleagues at work cant accept you as you are, then they cant be much of a friend in the first place,
50 hours a week is indeed a long day, is there any way you could cut them back a bit, or do you find that the work keeps your mind focused?

as for being 'normal'...who set the line saying that this side is normal and that side is not normal....?

[Pip]

Hi Craig,

I agree with Stewart, don't be so hard on yourself. 

Can anybody define normal for a standard?

I often joke we don't have normal pets but they are and simply have great personalities.  What is normal for me doesn't mean everybody will agree.  I get teased for my quirkes but it's always in a nice, friendly way so I don't take offense.

You are a normal person who just so happens to suffer with depression.  If people can't accept you for who you are then they aren't worthy of being your friend as you deserve good friends.  We have never met IRL yet I like you and the way you describe your life for which you deserve support.

[craig84]

I just see normal as being whatever the majority is
..if you have 50 people in a room and 24 are doctors and 26 are nurses then its more normal to be a nurse. the majority in my life work to better thier lives somehow.

I am the type of person who tries to make light of my depression. If someone was to ask why i did something that way id probably respond with 'i dunno im mental'...  i dont have a problem taking the pee out of myself i just take things far too personallly when others do it. Thats when i start beating myself up or arguing with them in my mind.

The job was helping so much. My focus was completely on the job amd having that to keep my mind occupied helped to no end but my focus has dwindled now and im making alot of mistakes and being more of a hinderence than a help hence ive been signed off for 2 weeks to try amd sort myself out. Which im not quite sure how im going to do yet. Being under occupational health at work is an added stress too, they say they are there to support me but it feels more like thier ticking boxes to say there supporting me but rhere actuallh doing nothing to help. If anything i feel like a charity case at work now... people know i suffer from depression and sometimes tiptoe around me, or are so nice it feels like thier being fake. I feel people are being twofaced and to be perfectly honest i feel like a scapegoat too..ive said about maybe restricting my hrs and apparently i would have to move branch as there are no part time hrs at my branch. I only briefly mentioned it to my manager when i was handing in my sick cert yesterday.

I need to try and figure out exactly what to do about this job... i need to contact shelter today too enough is enough i need my independence back.

Thanks guys, i am open about my depression with anyone. Its just the people who take it for granted or who cant see how i can be depressed that make it difficult because they can be quite ignorant and judgemental towards me.

I didnt realise it came across i was being hard on myself... ive been like this for some time now

[lostmyway]

Hi Craig

Yes a normal person that happens to suffer with depression seems to be a hole that most of us fit into.  In my last job, the stress was pretty bad and I myself HAD to take 2 weeks off sick because basically I was going out of my mind.  Then a few days later, a woman from the HR department was hassling me about why exactly I was off and my initial response was " I dont really have to justify myself, sorry."  It was a) work itself b) the management who were frankly annoying in the extreme c) annoying co-workers
d) I was stressed out, tired etc... The usual scenario.

50 hours is a long week. I did 45 on average , which was tiring.  At times it was 50 sometimes over in the last quarter of the year.  If it's making you miserable I can relate as my last job did that to me too.... I need another one myself.  People misconstrue depression as just 'sadness' but as we all know, It is far more than that. Sadness is just one of the symptoms.  Hang in there Craig.  Normal is a cycle on a washing machine HA. 

PS welcome to all new people

[craig84]

Hey, my hr rep seems ok... it has been reitterated to me that i am/was a valued member of staff and they will do what they can to support me. I cant help feeling that is bs to adhere to certain policies and proceedures so i dont sue them. Not that i would.

This will be my 3rd consecutive week of being signed off and i have an appointment tomorrow to ask for more time off... i want to go fo self esteem courses and therapy while im off as well as getting support for my drug use. I do drugs to escape the stresses i deal wiyh and in the long term it doesnt help i know this... knowledge isnt they key afterall .... evem knowing the reasons why i do things doesnt help in rectifying them. Its so frusyrating that i have what seems to be a good head on my shoulders and im wasting myself.

The way i feel right now i want to quit. More for pride than anything else. I made a mistake telling them i suffer from depression because im more paranoid people are judging me ... paranoid im being blamed for others shortfalls... and in general i just feel like an idiot at the best of times... i question myself more and in all honesty have made things worse for myself by being so up front and honest about myself with my colleagues. We live and learn though... i guess....

Its my 30th thise week.... ill spend it eother alone and miserable or aff mh face.... and miserable....

Misery .... my life in a nutshell!

Thanks for your replies and sorry for not replying to those who have inboxed me.

I have lost all persppective on what i am, will be or should be doing!

[stewart]

Hi craig,
the organisation i have mentioned several times (MIND) do several courses, some are just general courses, but one i done was aimed at ways of dealing with / handeling depression, it might be something you could think about, while i didnt get anything from it, (i found it kinda like depression 101) but then iv had depression for more years than i can remember.

but everyone is diferent, just like some meds work for some people and not others, while i didnt get anything from the course, others could find it helpfull

[Pip]

You're doing the right thing with having time of work and it's good that you have the incentive to help yourself.