Hi everyone,
I hope you don't mind me posting here, I'm sure I should be posting on another forum that I use, but I'm sure that what I want to say might be too much for a place like that (it's an epilepsy forum)
OK to start with, I'm not new to depression, I was diagnosed as a teenager and put on tablets which I didn't take. I took an overdose at 15, then started to take up to 10 tablets quite regularly, not to die, but I didn't really know why I was doing it, except that it 'helped'. I now know that this is a form of self harm. I got pregnant at 18 and as my hormones changed, the depression lifted and I have been fine until recently.
I was diagnosed with epilepsy 2 years ago. It turned my life upside down, I lost my licence, my independence and I had to start meds that made me feel awful. Although I remained upbeat about it, as much as I could. 3 months ago my anti epilepsy meds were changed to lamictal (also a bipolar med) and since then I have started to feel really down about having epilepsy, I get scared to go out incase I have a seizure (which is odd since my seizures are absences, and noone notices them, but I am scared they will change to tonic clonics (fits)) I just don't feel happy with life anymore. I've caught myself thinking about suicide several times lately, which I would never do because I couldn't leave my daughter, but it's always fleeting thoughts, not something I spend time planning as I used to.
Things have also been difficult at work, where I'm being bullied by my manager, while I've tried to make a stand and stop him, it's made things worse and now I dread going to work, but I can't quit, I desperately need work and no one wants to hire an epileptic who might take time off work.
So on saturday things came to a head, I've been very tearful lately anyway, but this time I was sobbing uncontrollably, I had so many thoughts racing through my head, and all the names I've been called by my manger were repeating themselves and I couldn't handle it and started hitting myself and then I cut myself.
Now I'm sat here with three large bruises and my arm is a bit of a mess, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if it was a one off or if it's going to keep happening, I'm sure it's a side effect of the medications as there's a big warning about self harming and suicide, but I'm scared to see my GP (I've never had much faith in him) and I'm worried they might think I'm mad and take my daughter away or not take me seriously or think I'm a timewaster.
I feel a bit of a fraud, like I'm not actually depressed, but having the side effects of the drugs, but I don't know who to talk to and I don't want to post it on the epilepsy forum.
I needed to vent though,
Nowhere girl x