Author Topic: just got the diagnosis.. still to be confirmed though  (Read 7301 times)


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just got the diagnosis.. still to be confirmed though
« on: June 07, 2014, 05:31:29 PM »
I'm trying to put words how I feel and what's going on respectively what went on so far.
No particular order.. just as it comes to my mind.

I'm a 35yr old male, single and full time employed as a Chef in a Boarding School, working 6 days a week.

Lately I developed some strange behaviour which I cannot explain how it was triggered.
When I look at the "picture/scheme" of this illness I can say I was in a proper manic condition since beginning of March.

Before this I was in a deep low state not even being able to fulfil daily tasks except from attending at work but not being very effective there. Then my boss told me off and I got in trouble with my lack of attendance (I had 4 days off in Jan and 2 in Feb.. before from Sept-Dec I had 4 days off).. so I had to put all my power together to do my job right and I ended up being absolutely exhausted and but wearing a mask at work to pretend all is fine.
I don't know what exactly has triggered my manic episode or I cannot remember.

In my high episode the last weeks I felt like Superman.. at work I dealt with a lot of things (also successfully)..
but some people just pulled me down again not doing their job properly (tbf..I only thought so) .. and no one could keep up with my speed and my ideas and they found it really difficult to work with me as I became pretty big-headed and lost my temper loads of times by lecturing them and I couldn't understand why they can't do the simplest tasks.

When I say I lost my temper that means I became really angry.. and also said some nasty things although I didn't mean them really I was just this furious and couldn't help myself. I also banged some stuff around and was told off for behaving inappropriate by my manager again.
Most of the times it felt like I am standing next to me and watching me doing it but can't control it which makes it more dangerous for me as I have the feeling I am losing control about my actions.

People say I'm just a grumpy git and a moody person also my friends backtracked from me as they couldn't cope with me and my behaviour any longer and the contact broke up eventually.
In my manic time I didn't even see it properly I just thought they are jealous about my "success" and therefore I didn't give much notice.

Since I broke up for spring holiday 2 weeks ago I hit rock bottom again.
I did not know what to do with myself..
My body needed the holiday as I am suffering with back problems and I just cured a tennis elbow so I'm in pain very often but it is bearable most of the times.
((I now believe that my pain is mentally and it is most severe when I hit the most extreme points in each episode.. so when I'm on the highest high or when I'm on the lowest low.. does this make sense??))

I tried to get in touch with my friends (I only have or rather had got a handful) but none of them replied to me.
so I tried to think back what have I done and then it all came clear to my mind.. it was like waking up from a bad dream..
so I felt so isolated and my depression went worse.. as I felt so good the last couple of months and all of a sudden it's all vanished.. and I'm back on earth..

A week ago I was so depressed that I went to the shop and bought loads of alcohol and drank way too much.. and I got into a psychotic state and I saw and heard strange things around me.. I wasn't aware of them being unreal in this very moment.. I realised this later on) I had an accident at home when I fell and hit the back of my head and I was heavily bleeding so I panicked and phoned the police and ambulance.. I don't know who else.. I was convinced I am going to die in this moment. And I must have said and screamed so many things (I only remember certain stuff) I ended up tied up in the ambulance and in the A&E later on..
I saw myself lying there.. and screaming and shouting.. giving them all sorts of names..then a minute later heavily crying and begging for help etc.. I was shocked to see me doing this.. but I couldn't control it..
anyway I was sure they just think I'm drunk because some of them were quite harsh and rough towards me (maybe as a result of me being rude to them) I needed the toilet.. I couldn't get up so I asked a nurse for helping me to the toilet..
she brought me a thingy in that I was supposed to pee.. but well, tied up on the stretcher I could not manage to do so.. I tried my hardest to hold in and kept asking for help.. but after 1hour I couldn't anymore.. so I weed myself there..
as the nurse came bk she looked at me and I felt the disgust of hers.. they took of my clothes put a gown on and left me for another hour.. I don't know how I managed to untie one arm from this thing..but I did and I got up..

I went absolutely mad in the A&E and grabbed my wet clothes and walked off and out of the hospital.. half naked..only the gown.. and a bandage around my head.. and no one was really bothered that I went.. it took me 20mins to walk home..
I was hiding in the bushes besides the road when a car passed.. etc..

at home I fell into a deep sleep.. In the morning I regret everything and was captured in a deep depression.. the police came bk to my flat to question me.. and left after 30mins again.. I went back to sleep..

Since Monday I'm back at work..and my condition feels quite stable atm.. I'm not really motivated to do other things than going to work and taking my dog out etc.. I was on morning shift and when I came bk home I walked the dog for 40mins and went on the settee bk to sleep until 10pm then walked the dog and bk to sleep.. all week.

I feel alone.. isolated.. tired..exhausted.. and ashamed.. embarrassed.

I used to be an open and humorous lad.. but I'm not anymore..
I can be when I can reach my high again.. at least I think so.

Not sure whether to tell my manager at work..
As I feel as time goes on and my episodes get worse and worse I may end up in serious trouble and I cannot afford to lose my job ..

Sorry for the long text..
I'm still confused and don't know myself anymore..  :(
« Last Edit: June 07, 2014, 05:33:49 PM by tom9279 »