sorry to have to ask for help

[alex1973]

sorry to have to come back but very isolated right now and no-one to talk to. My friend has depression but when I try talking to him about how I feel he just seems wrapped up in his own stuff. Have avoided using depression forums for over a year as wherever I go I seem to upset people. I feel worthless and evil. I wish I was dead but too cowardly to commit suicide. Am in my room in shared house I hate, with no job, no telly and just stuck in my room alone. Feel like the worst person in the world, just scum

[alex1973]

sadly I dont know where else to turn or ask right now.

[kutuup]

Hey, the forums seem to be a little slow at the moment unfortunately, but I'm here, talk to me. Just let it out. I'm here to listen and help you as best I can. You seem to have a very low opinion of yourself. Let's talk about why to start. Sometimes it's hard to find someone to listen, but you're never alone. Please, talk to me, I will do my best to help you :)

[alex1973]

thats ok if its quiet, forums can be like that. At least if one person replies it can make all the difference. I used to think I would need five people to reply but thats not needed. I often feel this way kutuup but the last week or so has been more intense, ruminating over things I do or have done, what I am and more importantly what I am not. I emailed a long term friend yesterday who also has depression but he didnt even respond and usually he does. Its like he shuts down and cant deal with anyone elses depression except his own. Its sad isnt it that I have to turn to strangers on the internet who I will never meet face to face.

[Pip]

It's been quiet the past week but I know a few members aren't coping and not posting at all, others flit between not posting and posting quite a bit.  I'm very busy so post when I can.

[Grace]

Dear Alex,

I'm really sorry you're feeling so alone and down .... do you think your meds, if you are taking any, are working. It's not that your situation will emeliorate only through meds, but meds do help us to be able to cope with what life offers us!
I have also been feeling below the weather lately but at least I wake up in the morning looking forward to work. I think the change of weather isn't helping many of us these days .... but then I look forward to my pdoc visit on Thursday to see what can be done.
Keep on posting Alex .... we will listen and sympathise!

Grace

[alex1973]

I take trazadone Grace but sometimes its beyond medication for me. I think I am garbage so therefore it gets me depressed, how useless and stupid and worthless I am. I think some people get depressed and then think those things where as with me its the other way around. I see a mental health nurse on occassions too

[alex1973]

its ok if its quiet here Pip. Just talking to at least one person is better than none at all

[Pip]

Are you still in the area you moved to last year or have you moved away?

I remember from last year when you was house sharing that you didn't like it.  Must admit I wouldn't like going back to that.  When I was nursing I was flat sharing I shared with two other people, one was a friend and the other became a friend.  We did get on well generally particularly as two of us were working shifts.  One was generally untidy and had no consideration for when we were sleeping and the other had a violent boyfriend until a night when he let rip and he didn't dare come near the place again.

I know this is easier said than done but please try not to feel evil and worthless.  I know it's all part of depression and that it's not to feel like that.

[alex1973]

I am not in Brighton no, left after 6 weeks as it was very expensive there. Went back to Sheffield for 8 weeks and then came to Portsmouth where I have been ever since. Still fighting my court case to see the kids and have been told by Cafcass I should get my access order now but my ex has moved to Swindon now to make life as difficult as possible. Yes living in a shared house is so horrible. Also thank you for your forgiveness and acceptance.

[Pip]

Alex, I have often had you in my thoughts as I have and still do care about you and how you are feeling.  You have had such a rough ride in life and one of the dads in this world who deserves to see his kids.  I am just relieved that you have come back and reached out again.

[kutuup]

I'll share what I have learned about loneliness over the years:

Human beings have certain needs; food, drink, sleep etc. and we have a solution to all of them, when you're hungry you eat, when you're thirsty you sleep, etc. Humans also have a need for companionship, but unfortunately we can't tend to that need by ourselves, we need other people to fulfill that need. Because we need companionship, but people aren't always around who are willing to give it to us, it's like being hungry but unable to feed yourself. It takes a toll on you in many ways. You have so much time lost in your own thoughts that the negative thoughts get louder and louder. You wonder why people aren't giving you companionship, first you look for flaws in other people, but because they're not around, you can't find them. So eventually you start looking for flaws with yourself, that's when it gets nasty. When you're lonely and depressed, it's natural to be extremely critical of yourself. You become convinced that everything is your fault and that you're a horrible person because you cannot fulfill this need.

To a degree, you can learn to be happy in your own company. The best way to do it is to make it so that your alone time isn't imposed on you, it's on your terms. So where do you find people to socialize with? It's not easy to face people in person when your confidence is so shattered. I found that free dating sites like OKCupid or PlentyOfFish are actually really useful. You can register as a person seeking new friends and it will match you with people with similar interests. Just message everyone it matches you with and chat with the ones who reply. Ask them questions about themselves, talk to them about your day, maybe even meet up with some if you find some good ones! You don't have to be looking for a relationship, they're geared to help you find new friends too. A tip: put your sexuality as bisexual, that way it will match you with both genders, makes it easier to make new friends of both genders. I've made a few friends that way, and it really is a nice, easy way to find people even if it's just for a bit of banter.

Try it and let us know if it helps :)

James x

[Sweetpea]

Oh Alex your ex moving must have been a right blow.  You know how much I admire you for fighting for your girls.

X x

[kutuup]

I'd like to add a story I really like, I think it might be from the bible, I don't know, I'm not religious and I tell it without Jesus in it, although in the original story, the friend is Jesus.

A person was looking back at all the big moments in their life. They saw that in all those happy moments there were two sets of footprints behind them wherever they walked. They looked to their friend and thanked them for always being beside them in those happy moments. But then they saw that in all the sad and hard moments in their life, there was only one set of footprints. They looked again to the friend and asked "but in all those sad, hard moments, why did you abandon me?". The friend replied "I never abandoned you, in the saddest and hardest moments of your life, it was then that I carried you."

You are never alone, and in the worst moments, there is always someone, somewhere to carry you, you just need to know where to find them :)

[kutuup]

Just looked it up, it's not from the bible, but it is a religious poem, it's called Footprints: http://www.marypages.com/footprints.htm