Feel so alone

[ParsnipPierre]

So things at home came to a head yesterday, as my parents brought the topic up of me being on anti depressants, as we were discussing my upcoming appraisal at work (they think I am on anti-depressants cos of the stress of work).  We had a massive argument over it and when I tried to drop a hint of how depressed I am and that my life lacks direction, they kinda shot me down in flames.  I guess it isn't their fault but they are from the old school of "you shouldn't be depressed at your age", "you should think yourself lucky compared to most people" and "life is what you make it".   I cannot believe that in the past couple of weeks I have almost told my parents everything about the depression, the self harming and the suicidal thoughts.  However, now I feel the total opposite, as I feel so misunderstood and have been made out to be a fraud.  I think this has made me become more withdrawn just for a quiet life I will just say everything is ok and my friends don't seem to give a &$%+.  They are all tied up in their own lives I barely get a message off them once every four or five days.  They don't care, no one does.  I so just want to run away, I keep thinking of just getting in my car and driving to Scotland and the middle of nowhere so no one can find me or standing on the top of a multi storey car park, just to make people sit up and listen and see how much I am struggling.  I feel so low tonight, that I have an incredibly strong urge to self harm and I will stay up late drinking after my parents have gone to bed.  I hate my life and just want to escape.
PP
 

[Pip]

I do understand as I could never tell my parents about my depression.  They were 'old school so like your parents over attitudes.  I lost count of the times I got told to pull myself together, I was moody and there people far worse off than me.  Eventually I did let them know I severely depressed but I may as well have told them I had the flu.  My mum died never knowing how bad it is at times, she certainly never knew about the self harming or suicidal thoughts and attempts.  My dad still doesn't know how bad it is but he seems a bit more understanding and I eventually let my sister know and asked her not to tell our dad as I don't want him to know now how bad it is.  My dad is coming up for 85 so I don't want him worrying.

If there was a complete cure for depression we would be taking that cure.  It's just a shame that people don't understand that depression can happen to anybody any time and not necessarily for a specific reason.

[JC]

Hi PP

So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment. Depression does not discriminate and can hit anybody at any time, irrespective of age and circumstances, and having people around you who don't understand or even 'believe' in depression can only make it so much harder for you.

I completely understand where you are coming from about the withdrawal and isolation. My family and friends are as supportive as they know how to be but when they ask me how I am I also say "yeah, fine thanks"; they are wrapped up in their own lives and it is what they want to hear.

I too turn to alcohol when I am feeling very low and also have very 'dark' thoughts but I really hope you don't act on your urge to self-harm. It may not be much consolation to you at the moment PP but people here care about you and how you are feeling.

[FluffySeal]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling very bad.

I can relate in a way that I don't think my mum understands. She knows I had been on tablets on 3 occasions and am still struggling but she thinks it will like just pass soon and that its just a phase because i am unemployed. I have had it for years though. I think she sort of understands depression but doesnt want to believe or admit that I have it because i'm still her baby at the age of 21. I got it around the age of 13 but people would talk about depression when it was on the news and say 'kids/teens cant be depressed etc' so i hid it for a long time.
My dad on the other hand does not know about my depression; its been hidden from him because he is a very close minded person and wont be of any help.

I feel like i cant talk to anyone in my family about it as they havn't really been through it.

I think if your friends dont care I would personally ditch them. I have had friends; one in particular who i was very close to; always talk about herself all the time. Its always 'me me me'.  She messaged me for the first time in months on facebook and asked how I was. I said i wasnt doing well but the second message was all about her. Then the next 6 messages after that were all about her. I could literally be holding a sign saying i need help and she would just ignore it and talking about how much her weekend sucked.
I prefer not to speak to her because when I do; I see firsthand how much she does not care about me and its makes me feel very disappointed. Sometimes talking to people who dont care about you is worse than not speaking to people at all.

I think finding people online like on here to talk to is much better because you get to speak to people who also are alone and whilst it helps you; you are sort of helping someone else at the same time.

I totally feel like driving off to the middle of nowhere (although i cant drive) and just forgetting everyone; starting a new life on my own; but I havn't done it yet. I hope I never get to the stage of resorting to running away from everyone. I have felt the urge many times though and I hope you don't do that. Hope you are feeling better now even just the slightest bit.

[ParsnipPierre]

Thankyou very much for your replies to my post.  I feel a little better tonight, as I had my counselling session so I talked about all the things I mentioned in my original post.  Whilst I still feel very alone the fact I can trust my counsellor helps me a lot and gives me hope.  It was my fifth session we did a review of the goals I had set.  My eating goal I increased myself from a 1 to 3, as I have seemed to be eating a bit more.  However, the goal of using alcohol as a coping mechanism stayed the same but unfortunately the goal of reducing self-harming and suicidal thoughts has gone from 3 to 1, which does sadden me.  I found talking to the counsellor, tonight easier and I got over the point of how alone I am feeling.  However, the one positive I took out of tonight was when we were discussing my suicidal thoughts, the imagining being hit by a car, driving into oncoming traffic and the multi storey car park.  Kat pointed out that the car park one wasn’t necessarily a suicidal thought more a thought of calmness and freedom.  Being up there on my own and facing all my problems and the world.  I will definitely try and keep that thought in my mind for when it comes back.  No idea what I will do when counselling finishes, as I look forward to it because it is the only place I feel like I am understood and not judged and I can trust her.
There is nothing worse than not knowing, than knowing and not understanding.  I use this principle for my friends and family, as even if I told them everything they wouldn't truly understand the emotional torment I am going through. What would be a minor issue to them is a catastrophic one to me.  My response to them not understanding and passing judgement is to become more and more withdrawn, the barriers have gone up and are more secure than the bank of England.  No one will break them down other than my counsellor.  The only way anyone will find out the truth is if something bad happens such as being hospitalised/collapsing from my eating problems.  The only way my parents will find out is if I wrote them a letter explaining everything and then disappeared for a few days giving them chance to digest it all.  For now I will carry on suffering alone and my best friend is the bottle of whisky, but hopefully time will help me overcome that.  I didn't self-harm the other night despite the overpowering urge.  Luckily I fell asleep drunk and the fact that my old cuts haven't healed, as until they have I cannot bring myself to harm myself again.
Thankyou again for your replies and I hope you are making steps in your recovery.
PP

[kutuup]

Hi,

Sorry for the late response, I haven't been around the forum much lately, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much

So to address how you are trying to cope with your depression, I'm not going to lecture you on the dangers of self harm and alcohol, I'd be patronizing you if I did. It sometimes helps to treat your depression as if it were a physical being. If a bully was yelling in your ear that they wouldn't stop yelling until you punched yourself in the face, would you do it? Don't allow your depression to hold any more sway over you than you would another person. I find the best strategy for me is to make every effort to not give myself time to think. When I stop and think, that's when the depression grabs a hold, and once it's got you, it'll likely have you for the whole day. Even if it's just turning on the radio, you have to distract yourself somehow, think about ANYTHING but your depression. There will be times where you really can't think of a thing you want to do, this happens to me frequently, but once you force yourself to do something, ANYTHING, you WILL feel better, I can promise you that.

I know what it's like to feel like people don't notice you or care about you. That's a feeling that creeps into my mind often, I've been single for nearly a decade and live alone most of the time. Humans are social animals, we need to feel like a part of a group or we get lonely and depressed. On occasion I've called one of the free mental health advice lines and just chatted to the person who answers about how I'm feeling, it does feel nice to have a listening ear, even if it's a stranger, and the people there are trained to be good listeners.

It's natural to feel like you want to run away, that's a human response too. You are finding your environment hostile or unpleasant, your instinct is to get out of there to anywhere else. The problem is, you can leave, but your problems follow you. You need to find the way that's best for you to keep that being in a little cage where you can keep tabs on it only give it attention on YOUR terms. Ignoring it or bottling it up won't solve anything, but you need to be fighting by your rules, not being assaulted by this bullying little creature.

Wishing you all the best.

James