Sick of it all

[Dano667]

Hi not sure if I've posted in the right place so my apoligies if this is in the wrong section. I'm 23 and have suffered depression for most of my life although only got diagnosed about 7 years ago and have been on many different medications currently taking 300mg venlafaxine xl and 150mg quitiapine

I don't know why I feel the way I do but I think about committing suicide almost everyday, I struggle to hold back the tears most days, I don't really have any friends anymore but that doesn't really bother me, I actually prefer just to be left alone. I have taken several overdoses of paracetamol in the past and whilst this was going on I cudnt focus in college so I dropped out and also left my part time job. I got a job when things were going a little better but I couldn't cope I stuck it 2 days but it just made me feel so bad I couldn't continue, now I've received a letter to say my DLA is being cutoff in February although my sister helped me fill in an appeal form. But I doubt if it will change their decision. With depression being such an invisible illness it's hard to express just how disabling it is.

So most recently the thoughts going on in my head are what's the point of being alive when all I have to look forward to is a life of working with people I can't stand being around, taking medication because I can't be happy, my family are always putting me down calling me lazy or telling me it's about time I was getting a job. But honestly I know I can't cope with a job I can't stand being with people it makes me so mad and sad at the same time. When I go a walk and see people in the town I can't help but feel like there laughing at me, some people even through sweets etc at me. And I'm just sick of it and feel like someday I'm gonna explode and hurt someone. Any advice would be appreciated

[Pip]

Hi Dano667 and welcome,

Depression can happen to anybody, at any time and not always for any reason.  You can be honest here as we all understand what you are going through. 

With regards to work finding a job that you would really enjoy is half the battle.  I've been fortunate that every job I have had I've enjoyed doing.  These days I don't do paid work as I have osteoarthritis so do voluntary work a couple of days a week as it's part time and I can go home when the pain gets too bad.  I know it can be hard to know what work to do as I didn't have a clue what to do when I left school.

[JC]

Hi Dano667

Sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time. I know the cause of my depression but it is still very difficult to deal with and, like you, I have isolated myself from most of my friends, not the best thing to do as they are our support network but unfortunately depression can cause us to do that and it is something that we do not have much control over.

I am fortunate in that my family are very supportive and I have a job that I love doing with people who are also supportive. As you say depression is a hidden illness so people around us find it hard to understand why we behave the way we do, if we had a broken leg everybody would fall over themselves to help!!

I am not sure I can offer any advice, because everybody deals with things differently, but when you are having suicidal thoughts you might consider calling the Samaritans, sometimes just having somebody to listen to you can be a massive help. People here are understanding and will not judge you so I hope posting here helps you as much as it has helped me.

Best wishes...........JC

[Dano667]

Hi pip and thanks for your message I always wanted to do work repairing and maintaining computers as it's what I enjoy doing whenever I have a little extra cash I would sometimes buy broken phones on eBay and repair and sell them on. But the problem with this in the workplace is it always seems to ask for 3 years minimum experience which is impossible for me to get when no one gives me a chance I've even offered to work for a couple of weeks free to prove myself but i was more or less told they didn't want to train someone to become a possible competitor to their business.

The other option is to go self employed but I don't think id be able to get the clientele to make it a success and my parents both stated that I'm not allowed to go self employed as long as I'm living at home.

Then I've looked at help desk jobs but most are located about 30miles from where I live so I'd have travel expenses as I don't drive which then kinda defeats the purpose of working as most the wages would be going just to get into work.

I mean I know I've been outve work along time but it's not as if I've been wasting that time I look at job sites everyday, look at possible courses I could do that might help me get where I want but it brings me down a lot when I see no one wants to train a young person anymore. Which then leaves me with just retail opportunity which I've tried but just can't cope as one of my side effects of medication is excessive sweating so if I was rushing around stocking shelves i would look like I'd just come out of a shower, and I'm really no good on a till because it makes me angry when I get an awkward customer.

I think most of my social anxiety came from primary school I was bullied everyday and when my mum went to speak with the principal the solution was that I stayed in at break times while everyone else was outside playing and so from a young age I was isolated from everyone

[Dano667]

Thanks for your kind words JC I'm glad you have a supportive family and a job you enjoy, don't get me wrong my family are great at times just I can see the disappointment in my parents faces and I'm trying hard everyday to get my life back in control but sometimes it justs seems like the world is forgetting about it's younger community I mean I know people at my old job always ask me if I regret leaving there which is difficult to explain I mean I worked there for 4 years before I left, I had applied for supervisor several times whilst I was just a customer service person but wasn't successful but thankfully my manager saw I was eager for more responsibility and so he put me in charge of store off licence and left the maintainence and stock ordering etc for that section up to me. And he explained that it was my social capabilities that held me back from getting the promotion which I understood as I am very bad at communicating.

That's actually why I joined here because although I see my GP,Psychiatrist and occupational therapist regularly I just can't seem to get my actual thoughts and feelings across. So hoping that the community here can help me.

[stewart]

Hi Dano, welcome to the forums.
depression is a terrable thing to struggle with, and your family taking it the way they are just makes things harder to deal with.
at least on here you can chat to people who understand what depression can do to our lives. you are right about depression being an invisible illness, so often people dont know or understand it at all, unless they have been in the same or similar situation.

there is an organisation called MIND, who have some great support workers who will listen to what you have to say and offer advice and help wherever they can.

[Dano667]

Thanks for taking the time to reply Stewart I've actually heard of MIND before but the problem is I find it so difficult to say what I really feel when talking over the phone or in person that's why I signed up here. Just hearing how other people are coping with it gives me a little hope.

Just back from seeing my occupational therapist but it didn't go so well. She is referring me to someone to get me volunteer work which I don't want to do I mean what's the point going somewhere you don't want to be and not even get paid for it I'd much rather be sitting reading a book or out a walk or something that's actually therapeutic to me and doesn't make me more miserable. It was the same when I was on job seekers telling me to volunteer, I often wonder would they go to work for free?

I know they think that it's what I need to get over depression but what I need is to be left alone and work through this independently, being forced to go to things is the worst feeling ever

[Pip]

It's nor going to help doing voluntary work if you don't want to do as it will make you feel worse. 

I do voluntary work but when I first started I felt bulldozed into it but didn't have the courage to say no.  The minister of the church I'm a member of suggested I helped at the lunch club which is held in the church hall which is for over 60's.  They get a three course meal for £3.  Over a few weeks I started enjoying it as I was made to feel welcome there and not just by the other helpers.  It did my confidence a boost and worked wonders for my self esteem.  We moved last August due to a neighbour from hell and where we live is right on top of another church and I started helping out with their Thursday lunch club.  They started getting let down with their Tuesday lunch club so I'm helping with that as well now.  I've got to the stage though that I'm finding it a bit to get back for the Friday lunch club as it's about three miles away.  The Tuesday and Thursday lunch clubs cater for between 25 to 36 people eating in and between 35 - 40 meals on wheels with only three of us in the kitchen so exhausting.  I never thought I would see the day I would be working in a kitchen let alone voluntarily but I really enjoy.  All I would say about voluntary work is that it shows a person is willing to work and looks good on a cv.

[JC]

Hi Dano

Pip is absolutely right, doing voluntary work does look good on your CV but doing it against your will is not going to help you at all. It will make you feel worse if you begin to harbour some resentment against those you are being coerced to work with and that would be counter productive for all involved.

Another very important aspect to volunteer work is the people you are expected to be working with. If your occupational therapist refers you to somewhere that requires you to work with vulnerable people a fully enhanced Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS, used to be called CRB) check will be required, which takes a long time to complete. I know people that have offered their time to various volunteer groups in our area and the lengthy safeguarding processes that have to be undertaken have lead to them withdrawing their offers altogether; and they do not have the additional issue of dealing with depression 

I love reading and walking and find both much more therapeutic than seeing my counsellor once a week. I had a really bad couple of weeks before last weekend and over the Saturday and Sunday I walked around 20 miles with my lovely little hound! Although I was physically shattered I felt better emotionally so I can fully understand why you would prefer to do that rather than put your time and energy into something you don't want to do.

[Dano667]

Thanks pip and JC for your kind comments. It's not that I'm against voluntary work cause I do know that it is therapeutic to some knowing that your giving something back to the world and dedicating your time to those less fortunate etc. but I'm at a stage were I spoke to my occupational therapist saying that part of me wants to get back out there and start bringing in my own money again but there's also that part of me that is trying to work independently through my problems. I forgot to mention that I have a sister who can't walk or talk and as my mum is in her 60's now I help out a lot with her. Many times when I'm really down I just spend time with my sister cause I know she never had the chances in life that I have.

I did get a job working in currys/PC world around May time but I only managed to stick with it 2 days. The way the manager spoke to me was kinda condensending and on top of it the sales targets I witnessed several members of staff adding in insurance direct debits without mentioning to the customer. And at the time I thought the sales targets would make the job more exciting but seeing the way customers were treated I knew it wasn't for me.

I love reading and listening to music as it's my way of escaping the world and helps me forget about my troubles. I don't really find my occupational therapist or GP that helpful cause everytime I see them they seem to have one focus which is work, and I already know I need a job but I'm not going to get better by forcing me into something I'm not ready for. After I left my job with depression I was in and out of hospital with overdoses on paracetamol. But about a year after that my dad offered me a job in his office which I loved. I was doing site drawings in microstation showing we're all the electrical stuff went... lights/sockets/keypads etc ... But when work got slack he had to let me go. But he said that I could come back when things pick up again which i guess is what I want to happen cause most my family work there so it's not as stressful as going into someplace I don't know anyone. And I had my own office whichever meant I could put on music and continue you on with the work I was given.

My psychiatrist was much easier to talk to, maybe because he was a man I don't know but he discharged me and said he would review my progress through the OT but I might ask my GP if he can get in touch with him to get me an appointment.

[Pip]

You're right not doing work you don't really don't want to so under pressure as it will make you feel worse.

Volunteering isn't for everybody