End of my tether

[nathanpj]

Anti-depressants for nearly three years now. Currently 45mg Mirtazapine.

Depression is back and I feel like I just don't have the strength to fight it anymore. I can see my GP tomorrow but he will just give me more complimentary meds. What's the point? Six months and I'll be right here again.

Just want to curl up and cry. Cognitive-behavioral group therapy starts today. They're gonna help me fight bad thoughts. What bad thoughts? I don't have them, I just get beset with this heavy, black, nebulous cloud that drags me down, drains the light from everything, and makes it hard to think straight. Everything has lost its pleasure again. Panic attacks at work. Difficult to look people in the eye.

I just wanna get off these meds and their side effects (sex life now DEAD... miss loving my wife). I just wanna get better but don't know how to fight anymore.

I exercise, I've eradicated negative thought patterns, I have a well-paid job, I eat well,  continue my hobby (even when it gives no joy), I keep contact with friends and family (even though it's very difficult), I care for three pets.  I fight so hard but still the depression comes.

[Toronaga]

Hi Nathanpj,

I too suffer from depression and have done so for four years now. I am on 40mg Citalopram and although they have lessened the side effects are still strong. I find my depression comes in waves, a few days of positivity followed by weeks of depression and lots of pretence to those around me, putting on a brave face.

To me, you very much sound depressed, although perhaps you are not wanting to accept certain aspects of it. You say that you have banished negative thoughts and yet you also say you still have a large black cloud over your head, caused by depression. Personally, I find it impossible to be rid of negative thoughts, so I just try to go with the flow and adjust what I am doing on any particular day. I am currently unable to work for example but adjust how much exercise and activity I take each day depending on my mood. Although for me exercise is a life saver. 

Like you my sex life is pretty non existent, which is very stressful in itself, but my wife says she understands that this is because I am seriously ill and need time to recover, not because I don't love her. My advice would be to be as open and honest with her as possible.

Good luck

[nathanpj]

Thanks for your kind words.  My wife is very understanding and I do share with her, but... well... you understand what it's like clearly.  It feels good to have a connection with someone with the same problem, so thanks for sharing.

I know what you mean about there being negative thoughts associated with the black cloud of depression.  I must have negative thoughts down there somewhere.  Possibly one's I'm not dealing with.  But I can't identify them.  I'm trying to find help to do so, and hopefully, after this CBT course I might get a referral to some more intensive help.  I feel like I need it but accessing it seems impossible unless you're "suicidal".  Everytime I go for help I just get offered more pills.

[Toronaga]

I know what you mean, I have had CBT twice and now am in Counselling. In total this took around three years.

I know this is easier said than done, especially when you are feeling down, but, I have found the most beneficial things have been those that I researched and sorted out myself. They have all turned out to be free and also easy to obtain. They have literally saved my life. Mindfulness and exercise.

Mindfulness (meditation) is now the preferred way to treat depression. There are a number of books, the best are by either Dr Mark Williams or Dr Mark Kabat Zinn. They tend to have audio files with them and follow an eight week programme. If you have an Iphone you can download their files from Itunes. Exercise varies from a short walk to cycling, gym etc depending on my mood. it gives me a boost and gets me out of the house.

As a bloke, if you had told me a few years ago that I would be meditating, I would have laughed my socks off. Now I meditate at least a couple of times a day. It is the easiest and most enjoyable thing to do but also mentally hard at the same time. It will give your mind a rest.

Unfortunately, I have depression. I will have it for the rest of my life. I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to stop feeling certain ways or, pushing myself to do things. It does not work and only makes things worse. I appreciate you do not know me and to be honest its no skin off my nose if you don't, but please try mindfulness for a couple of months. I promise you, slowly it will work. It may not cure you but you will feel better for it.

[Pip]

I can't remember the  name of the  first anti depressant I was on in 2005/2006 but it came to the point I hated being on it because the dosage was high to stop me being depressed but it made me feel like a zombie.  I went on to Citalopram   and it worked for several months then stopped helping and at that time I was doing CBT online which helped.  My GP in her wisdom decided to stop that as I told her that CBT had helped but the Citalopram wasn't helping.  I then started getting severely depressed last year due to a number of reasons including a neighbour from hell.  We moved in August last year and my mood still didn't get any better so now I am on Sertraline which I started taking recently.  My husband also suffers with depression so it helps knowing that he understands what I'm going through and the same for him that I understand.   

Like Toronaga I will be suffering with depression for the rest of my life as it is deep rooted for me and I do know what caused it.

[nathanpj]

Toronaga/Pip

Thanks for the advice.  I follow all the guidelines for fighting depression that I can.  Exercise included.  However I have a knee injury that rules out some exercise.  Besides walking the dog, I also do sit-ups every morning, despite my mood.  I'm up to over 500 now and I'm now replacing regular sit-up with crunches.  Boy, they're hard.

The exercise definitely helps.

My mindfulness is writing.  I write min 100 words each morning, and min 200 in the evening.  That's my meditation and my appreciation of being in the "now".

But still, alas, the depression keeps coming.   

Like both of you, Pip and Toronga, I fear this is a life-long issue.

[Pip]

Yes I understand the problem with some exercise as I suffer with osteoarthritis in my hands / fingers and right wrist, back, right hip, knees and right ankle.  We tend to do walking everyday and swimming when we can.