I guess I should say hello

[Hanny]

I'm not very good at the whole introducing myself thing tbh.

I guess I could tell you my story but it's long and hard to put into words. The long and short of it is that life hasn't been easy. I suffer from depression, post traumatic stress disorder and dissociation.

I used to have a normal life, I was a successful project manager, I had friends, family and most importantly my 2 boys who were 10 and 8 but I lost everything when I had to flee my home. Now I live hundreds of miles away from that place, nobody back there even knows where I am except for my pathetic excuse for a mother.

So that's me now, alone, socially isolated, penniless, jobless, heart broken and just waiting for the end to come.

[Pip]

Hi Hanny,

I am sorry you are going through all of this.  You are having to deal with so much and deserve support.  Are the children with their father?

If I'm reading this correctly your children aren't with you, that must be very hard to deal with.

Pip

[Hanny]

Hi Pip

Yes you're right my children aren't with me, I haven't seen them for 4 months and haven't spoken to them in 3 months. They are with their father and he's more than happy to have me out of the picture, we separated 4 years ago after 7 years of marriage, which in itself was hell on earth, he used underhanded tactics to get the children and so I've only seen them on weekends for the past 4 years.

I had to leave my home to protect my children and those close to me from an abusive ex partner that was persuing me. I question every day whether things could have worked out differently but as hard as it is to live with, I stand by my decision to sacrifice myself so my children can be safe

[Hanny]

I apologise, I don't always make sense, I fled by home 4 months ago. Sometimes my thoughts don't quite connect in the right way and things get jumbled up

[craig84]

Welcome Hanny

Being able to use this site when i was in my most recent dark period proved invaluable to me and having people not judge me and support me was an amazing coping mechanism,  i couldnt really talk to people close to me about things and still cant because they are part of the problem themselves.

Ill probably be on here more than i have been the past couple of months but just wanted to welcome you and empathise with your story so far.

I know it can be daunting at first but theres alot of good people here.  Youve just met one of them.

See you around

[JC]

Hi Hanny

So sorry to hear what you are going through, I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you not to see your boys. You have made an amazing sacrifice to ensure they are safe; that must have taken a lot of strength on your part and it is so sad that this has left you alone, feeling isolated and so unhappy.

I hope using this site helps you to feel a little less isolated, it has certainly been a big help to me. People here are friendly, supportive and it helps to talk about how you are feeling without thinking that you are being a 'bother'.

[Hanny]

Thank you pip, Craig and JC. From what I've seen you have a good supportive community here.

I suppose I get some support from the NHS, I have been seeing a psychiatric nurse after I tried to commit suicide 2 months ago but he tells me he doesn't know what to do with me, he's referred me to see I psychiatrist but I see the hopelessness in his eyes when he talks to me because he knows that there's nothing they can do to make things better.

I wouldn't say it took great strength to run away, I think it was just instinct, protect the people you care about. I've spent 4 months running and fighting, struggling to survive and now I'm being thrown back into normal society and that scares me more than anything.

[stewart]

Hi Hanny, welconr to the forums.
sorry ti se you are having such a bad time, and have had a bad time in the past.
unfortunatly depresion is one of those hidden deiisabilities, and it is only yourself and those you tell or are closest to you know it is there.

have you spoke with your doc about things? there are plenty of medications around, some work better than others, but how well they work can also be difrent for everyone.
Also i would recoment finding out if there is a MIND office in your area, they have some great suppoer workers.

[Hanny]

Hi Stewart

I went to my GP who prescribed me sertraline for anxiety but I overdosed on it a few days later. They've put me back on the sertraline and it does help the anxiety but without the anxiety to focus on my brain goes off on one and the depression and other symptoms have got worse.

I don't want the anxiety back but I don't want to feel like this either. I've been referred to Health in Mind by the psych dept and also referred for EMDR therapy and to see a psychiatrist.

I live in a staffed refuge at the moment so I have a support worker but they're not mental health trained.

[Pip]

Wanting to keep your sons safe says much about you as a mother who will do what it takes to keep them safe.  It doesn't take away the pain of not being able to see them everyday though.  That is one issue that professionals won't understand.  Society expects mothers to sacrifice everything for their children and also to keep raising them.  Professionals don't always 'get it' that sometimes mothers have to walk away from their children.  I can only imagine how you feel about that.

[Hanny]

Thanks pip, a lot of people don't seem to understand it, people try and compare it to losing a grandad or an aunt but losing 2 children is so much worse than that. My family don't understand, they seem to think I ran off to have a jolly good time, they seem to understand what I went through after I left or the things I went through that caused me to have to leave.

[Pip]

Hanny, sometimes I think people try to compare it with losing another relative to try and understand but it's nothing like that.  My situation is different to yours yet I can empathise.  When I was 19 I went through an extreme form of coercion aka bullying and lying to get me to surrender my son.  My mum was the worst offender and used lines like I would lose my job if I kept my son therefore I wouldn't get benefits because I chose my son over my job.  My parents would kick me out if I kept my son so I wouldn't get social housing as I chose my son over a roof over my head and I wouldn't be able to afford private rented.  Again I wouldn't get any help or support because I chose him over everything else.  I would lose my son because I was homeless so I may as well agree to him being adopted.  There was more but you get the picture. The adoption agency was almost as bad which was partly because by 1981 when my son was born infant adoption was already dropping due to single mothers knowing they could claim benefits and get social housing. I wasn't told my rights, didn't sign anything, never saw any paperwork, I never agreed to him being adopted, I didn't even know I couldn't consent to relinquish my son until he was at least 6 weeks old.  I found out 23 years and post reunion that what happened to me is legally known as a forced adoption and is illegal but social workers get away with it because parents don't know their rights.

The emotions I have been through are very profound and it is like an invisible amputation.  It took me a long time to forgive my parents for what they put me through and my mum went to her grave believing what she did was right.  Sadly the lies continued as my son found my family when he was 18 and they told him they didn't know where I was.  My mum even wrote him a letter which I have since seen telling him to accept I didn't want to be found which my mum knew was a lie.  I found him a couple of days after his 23rd birthday.  My son's world was blown apart as he finally found out out I had wanted to raise him, my family had known where I was and they hadn't told me they had contact with him.   

[Hanny]

I'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through and I can empathise. I don't think anything can compare to losing a child. My family got in the way of me maintaining contact with my children so I can empathise with that. I think it leaves a gaping emptiness that nothing can fill. I've tried to full fill it with alcohol, men, drugs both illegal and prescription but nothing makes you feel better. People expect you to just carry on as though they never existed and I can't do that. Being a mother is all I've known since I was 17 and I don't know how to stop being one.

[Pip]

People expect you to just carry on as though they never existed and I can't do that.

Yes I was expected to do that, forget about my son, get on with my life and I 'would have more children'.  Even though I didn't raise my son I couldn't forget him so how can you do that when you have been a mother to your children.  It infuriates me when people think like that.  Your children are part of who you are and nothing can destroy that.  I have gone through periods when I have drunk too much just to blot out the pain but it was a quick fix and I knew it wouldn't help in the long run. 

[Hanny]

It infuriates me when people say you can have more children, I don't everwant any more children, the heart break is too much to bear. drink is never the solution it always ends up making you feel worse he refuge I live in is a dry house so drinking isn't really an option.

I don't think the fact that you didn't get to raise your son makes the pain any less real, it's the knowledge that they're out there somewhere and you don't know if they'll ever know the truth or if they'll end up hating you.

My support workers tell me that I should be going out to meet people and make friends but I find it impossible to get close to people because I find myself lying about my past to avoid people asking questions and they always come to the conclusion that I'm a mental case if I'm honest about who I am and what I've been through. I find it impossible to imagine that I will ever have a "normal" life again. I'm stuck in limbo, I can't go back and I can't move forwards. My head spends all day just reliving the moments of the past, the good memories and the bad ones, sometimes I don't even know where I am or who I am.