Hi I'm new and don't know what's wrong

[fortysixandtwo]

Hi

I suspect like most people who post on here, this is a bit of a last resort before I lose it! I'm pretty certain I have depression and anxiety but I don't know exactly what, and certainly don't know what to do about it. Since I can remember I've had anxiety. I remember having this feeling at high school and used to think why do I have butterflies all the time? Now though, in my late 20's I feel like my life is going nowhere, I'm stuck in a rut, I have no future because I don't know what future I want, I don't do any good for the world, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. The list goes on and I feel like I'm being strangled. I have never been particularly sociable so struggle to make new friends, I only really have a couple of good friends who are busy with their own lives.

It doesn't make much sense, I have an ok job (skilled trade) but I don't like it, however it pays an ok wage and allows me to rent my own place which is quite nice and I can afford to buy what I want (within reason) so I'm hardly struggling and I will always have work. I am very fit and healthy, my passion is cycling but lately I don't even have the motivation to do that. I ride home from work and just lay on the sofa feeling exhausted and drained. I used to be always doing something but now I just don't have the energy. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 8 years-her choice and it was my social anxiety that ruined all of that. I feel everything is my fault and I am so negative about everything. I have a real short fuse at work and feel like I'm gonna flip one day and walk out, or punch someone.

I know I have no ties and can do anything with my life but i don't! It gets me so so down and it's a vicious circle. I just don't know what I can do, can anyone advise? I really don't want to see my GP, I really really really don't want drugs, it will affect my cycling and that will get me down even more and I feel I will be masking the problem. I can't afford therapy it's so expensive. I've read 'the chimp paradox' book and can really relate to it, but fail to act on it, I'm the cause of my own problems sometimes and I just can't go on like this. I wouldn't say I'm having suicidal thoughts but sometimes I wish i weren't alive.

Thank you for reading, I welcome any advice from people 'outside the box'!

PS, if you've seen the Jim Carey film 'Yes Man', I'm like him before he starts saying yes!

[Pip]

 :welcome:

Yes I have seen the film Yes Man. 

Anti depressants don't work for everybody and some people have to try a few before getting it right.  There are alternatives to taking anti depressants such as MIND.  If you contacted them you would have a support worker and depending on their resources different types of activities.  Mind is free which is a bonus.  When you go cycling do you go out on your own?  If you do would you consider going to a cycling club if there are any round your way?

What about other hobbies?

[fortysixandtwo]

Hi Pip thanks for the reply. Yes I am involved with my local cycling club, great group of people and I go out every weekend with them. But they are 'cycling' friends, that's where it ends. Apart from this I feel totally isolated and lonely, and having just found out my mum more than likely has MS, I am plumitting to a new low, I feel so numb and scared about the future. There is a Mind place in my area, but feel I don't qualify for their help, like my problems aren't as bad as some peoples and I don't want to waste their time. I would like someone to talk to though 

[JC]

Hi fortysixandtwo

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low, seems you have a lot to cope with right now.

I would echo Pip's advice about seeking some support. You say there is a MIND in your area but you don't feel you qualify for their help; thing is you will not know unless you contact them. Even if they can't help you themselves they may be able to refer to you other support services that can. You will not be wasting their time.

[stewart]

Hi fortysixandtwo, welcome to the forums.
MIND is there for anyone with psycological probs if their life, they have good support workers who can come to your home.

[fortysixandtwo]

Thanks for the replies JC and Stewart. I might send an email to MIND then, and see what they say. Yeah I have had a lot to cope with recently, but even when there aren't any issues going on, I can't escape the nagging anxiety inside me and there's normally no reason for it. I should be happy with what I've got but something is missing! Jeez, writing this down sounds like a real self-pity moan! Feels a bit better though to get it out.

[Pip]

It isn't and we all know what it is like to feel like that.  Being honest here will help you.

[JC]

It is most definitely not a self-pity moan, you obviously need somebody to talk to and if getting it out on here on here helps it is a start!

I have only been on here a few days and it is really good being in touch with people who are going through the same things and understand how you are feeling.

[stewart]

as others have said, it is NOT self pitty, despite what some others say (they have probably never experianced depression)

[fortysixandtwo]

Thanks again. Yeah, my ex said I feel sorry for myself, but I don't feel it that way-that's how it comes across to others like you say Stewart. Anyway I'm feeling not so bad today considering it's a monday! It does feel better to open up a little as you say JC

[Pip]

I used to hate the "pull yourself together" comments which I haven't had said to me for years.  If I hear anybody say that to somebody else I just tell them it's not that easy.

[fortysixandtwo]

So I contacted MIND, I got a reply after a week and have been put on a waiting list for counselling which is around 3 months. Seems like a real long way away but if it avoids the GP and medication it should be worth the wait!

Been struggling recently, mood is up and down like a yo-yo, feel very lonely. I don't know if this is normal of depression or anxiety but I am really struggling to make decisions that will go towards getting me out of the rut that I feel like I am in. I'm hoping some sort of counselling will get to the cause of my issues stop me being so reserved and negative all the time 

[JC]

Well you have taken the first step so that is positive. I have counselling and, unfortunately, the long wait seems to be standard wherever you live.

Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment; I too have mood swings and, at times, become very emotional and/or irritable. I also feel very lonely at times, even when I am in the middle of friends, it is a horrible feeling.

Every person's experience is individual but the difficulty with decision making is a problem I also have; at work I don't have a problem as the decisions I make are based on training, knowledge and experience but in my personal life I find it hard to make even the simplest decisions.

Hopefully the next three months will pass quickly and counselling will help you get to the root cause of your depression and make you feel more positive about yourself and your life.

[fortysixandtwo]

Hi JC thanks for the reply.

It's a weird time of the year too to be so down isn't it! My first year single since I can remember so I just feel so isolated. I spent xmas day with family but still felt alone and like I didn't want to be there so I just left. I shouldn't be acting like that! It's tough not having anyone to talk to about anything, so everything gets bottled up inside. I can spend a weekend day not even saying a word to a single person! 

[JC]

It is a very difficult time of year for a lot of people, particularly as everyone is expected to be cheerful and join in the festivities. Probably the last thing you wanted to do so don't feel too bad about leaving your family on Christmas Day; better that than 'blowing a fuse' and falling out with them!

I had a lot of time off work earlier in the year and could go days without speaking to someone face to face. I got calls from my family and friends but just assured them I was okay and ended the calls as politely as possible. It is not good to bottle things up though, I did it for ages and it started to affect my physical as well as mental health. Talking to people on here has been a big help for me and I hope it will be for you.