Struggling.

[Lukeyblue77]

my issues I feel have now become Un resolvable,I have a9 year old boy with which I'm separated from his mother have been for 5 years,yet I still carry guilt for our family splitting up,I feel like a terrible father,and not good enough for him,I've also separated from my wife of 11 months,due mainly to my manic highs and lows,I now found myself very alone,I have no good friends to lean on,no family, I feel constantly isolated,wishing the days to end quickly,they now feel longer than ever and the option to end my life feels reassuring,I used to be a happy boy,it really makes me sad.
I have been trying to deal with depression since I was 14,and in the last 15 years having to try and cope with this roller coaster of emotions,the highs are the worst as I know they are fake so I'm on edge waiting for the crash....I'm struggling,I have been bounced around by doctors and counselors for a while,I don't wish to take meds for being frightened of addiction and losing my sharpness. Help  xxx

[SteveW]

What you describe sounds very much like Bipolar 1 or 2, though don't rely on me for a diagnosis. Bipolar has a bad side and a slightly less bad side. The bad side is that the Bipolar Disorders mostly stay with you all your life. The less bad side is that there is a set of drugs that do quite well in treating.it.

But you will have to think carefully about drugs. The two things you mention about drugs, addiction and loosing your sharpness are very unlikely to come into being. For a drug to be addictive it has to have a positive pleasant effect which leads people to crave it. The mood stabilizers just don't have effects that would lead to people craving them. As regards loosing your sharpness many of the mood stabilizers are in no way stimulant or depressant, Depakote and Lithium are the most prescribed and they aren't likely to cause you to loose your sharpness.

I think you ought to know one thing about BiPolar 1 and 2. Of people who are diagnosed with Bipolar 20% of people kill themselves eventually. It is a serious business. You can try CBT or some other form of talking therapy. They are offered. But I have never really seen massive change. The best thing you could do would be to see your GP to get a proper diagnosis, or get referred to your CMHT if your GP didn't feel able to diagnose. You will be offered drugs as a first step. I'd strongly advise you to take the offer up.

[Pip]

I agree with Steve and a proper diagnosis is important as the last thing you want is to carry on as you are.  You've already had to deal with it about half your life so getting a diagnosis gives you something to learn to deal with.