Today I'm going to look at a list of feeling words online and pick one for how I'm feeling right now....'Uncertain' is the one. This is because I'm in the middle of a move so boxing things up but I have to wait for my ppi to be credited into my bank before i move and i'm feeling anxious about the rental company re-letting the flat as it's been over 4 weeks now that they've been waiting for me. The bank said i will get my 1000 within 28 'working days' & i signed the settlement figure which they received on the 13th August. So it should be anytime soon..
I have mixed feelings about a neighbours kitten that got out because it had been neglected, all the neighbours wanted the rspca to take the kitten but i took the kitten in & thought she deserved a second chance because she was heartbroken.. she has the kitten back now..not sure i've done the right thing (for the kitten anyway) but doesn't love and compassion come first? i would die if someone took my pet bird from me as i love him so much.
Oh yes that's another thing i get so much joy out of, having a pet. Unconditional love & no judgements from him makes me able to feel love again and like i have a family member living with me. Don't get me wrong he can wind me up and make noise and be a huge responsibility. But when i'm feeling very low, he just goes to sleep or relaxes. Having someone to care for makes me feel good, a sense of accomplishment.
One thing i feel a bit worried about is being really nasty to the kitten owners brother who i started seeing for a few weeks but he suffers with biploar and didn't want to get close to me. That was hurtful for me as i felt used, and we ended up arguing, then he wouldn't give me my stuff back so for 2 weeks we sent nasty messages then i got my stuff back & sent him more nasty messages which i didn't need to do. Then i hear his lungs collapsed and he's been in hospital, i blamed myself but he says it's not my fault, he smokes a lot and apparently it's because he's tall & thin as well?! he gets out of hospital today. I let my emotions take over me and then i say nasty things to people, and after i feel awful. I need to learn to control my emotions and when i start to feel angry keep my mouth shut.
My mums another trigger for my emotions as she has serious alcohol problems. She has alcoholic liver disease but is still drinking and in complete denial. We haven't spoke properly for a few weeks, just got into abusive text messages which sends my emotions all over the place. She said she didn't want to leave it with us arguing i said me neither so invited her round, she's busy today but will come tomorrow. Feel a little emotional about seeing her to say good bye as i'm moving 300 miles away. It's too painful for me to watch her drink herself to death though, which is one of the reasons i'm going but not the only reason. I feel as though none of my family like me, they don't bother with me & my cousin even walked past me in the supermarket saying her was in a rush when i actually moved to an area to be closer to mums side of the family. This felt so horrible, and i tried my best not to cry until i got outside. I realize being around people like that, family or not, are no good for me, they don't understand or try to understand how i feel, they are arrogant and cannot empathize. All they've ever done is reject me and mum and i think a new start is what i need..
