the other day I went to a church that actually looked like a church, not a hall or a space somewhere. it was prodestant so i couldnt go in as im catholic. I know i could have really but i wanted to go to a catholic church. so i left and kept searching... i found one finally and checked out when thier mass' was... they had a few tbh but i always remember sunday being the day of church so i went to 9'oclock mass this morning... it was slightly strange being there after so long... when the priest started talking i kind of zoned out.... if its at all possible to have faith in god but not religion then thats where im at... i was joseph in plays in infant school and grew up catholic but i was never interested in religion, i thought it far fetched. i alwats got into trouble in religion and i just wasnt interested i loathed it and havin to goto church as an altter boy when i was young. it made my dad proud i was an alter server, i hated it.. everyone in my school went to the same church and i was always embaressed. especially as my best freind used to always pull faces at me in the crowd and i'd end up bursting with laughter and have to goto the toilet, my mate met me in there once and was laughing with me and my dad came in and BEAT me!
there the kinds of things i was remembering while i was at mass this morning and then i gave myself time to think about the reasons i was there and for whome.
Firstly i thought of my little stepbrother Christopher, he'd be around 13 now... i so longed for a little brother to look after as the roles kind of reversed with my older brother. i prayed for him while the service was going on and asked him to look after his mum and dad because they were struggling with things down here. i told him im sorry for what i did last week, i hope he wasnt ashamed of me. i shed a tear... lady next to me passed me a tissue and put her arm on my shoulder and smiled, i half smiled back and just wiped my tears then carried on praying/thinking.
I prayed that Violet and Blake were together and looking after thier mummy and daddy giving them strength when things were hard. i told them they are both loved and missed very much!
I prayed for lynne, that she had safe passage to heaven and was giving Stewart strength, watching over him during hard times.
I prayed for Phillipa's mother, that she could now see her daughter for the kind, loving, caring soul that she is and to watch over her family.
I prayed for my grandfather ive never met because he died before i got the chance to meet him.
I apologised for being the way I was and hoped to meet him when I depart.
I prayed for my Grandad Bob, i remembered him and visitng him growing up, we used to box together and id always win haha i miss him and told him i loved him. I asked him to watch over the family I no longer see due to my mothers choice in not speaking to them again.
i prayed for My aunt Amanda, She was like a mother to me when i was in malta, i missed my mum alot and it meant the world to me to have a semblance of that relationship with someone, it was better to an extent because she never snapped or slapped me.she cared for me alot and i really miss her so. I couldnt go to the funeral as i was working but i flew over when i could and went to visit the cemetary with my father, it was closed and we were standing at the locked gates, i was around 19 or so... i asked my dad to give me a minute while i spoke aloud to her from the gates, saying thank you! she had such a good soul and loved me. I loved her too :) i left white roses at the gates and said goodbye..
i prayed for My co worker laurence mchugh - like a father figure from when i first got a job in london working for a warehouse, he mentored me and when there was a position for team leader he put me up for it... he was a charecter and im grateful to have met and sppent time with him . A kind, wonderful man... and incredibly funny when drunk i must say. our xmas parties were always hilarious and great fun. his funeral was on my birthday about 3 years ago... the same month we agreed to meet for a reunion as i left for malta in 06..
i prayed for my step cousin from ireland Brenden - Killed in a motorbike accident and sorely missed by everyone he was the light in every room he walked in. a good soul!
I prayed for the parents of my stepdad - they were together now and the suffering was over for them. I hoped they were with Christopher and Brendan.
i lit candles for everyone above.. im happy i did it but also incredibly sad thinking they were gone... love them all very much for the good souls that they were.
May they rest in piece xxxx
all my love,
Craig
