Is it my fault

[Carry]

I keep feeling that it maybe my fault that I have this depression. Do I fight hard enough? Do I want to be ill? Why am I not getting better? Am I clinging to this because I'm afraid of living?
My doctor seemed a little angry with me today because I said that I wanted to come off my medication, she said that if I do that then I would have to take all my CBT training seriously and work on it in order to cope.  Does she think that I haven't tried to work with the advice I have been given by my therapist? She maybe right.
I Don't know what to think, am I just a fake?
I don't know what to do with myself, CBT was working and I was going out by myself and started to feel better. Now I feel so exhausted that I just want to hide away. Is this normal.....do others feel this way?
I would really value some feedback as it is so hard living with myself at the moment especially if this is all my own fault.
Carry

[lightenup]

Hi Carry glad to hear someone else is doing CBT, I was doing quite well, but I had the flu and food poisioning, and it seemed to knock me back.  Therapist things my meds where probably knocked with me being sick.  When I leave CBt  i feel reved up the problem is when I come home it is a real struggle, I just want to hole up again.  Everyday I struggle with myself to get that coat on a go for a walk.........yet when I do it I feel I have achieved something.  Its now 11.15am I am still not dressed, which is not good.  I couldn't consider coming of the meds yet, but it scares me to think what will happen to me when I do. 

[Carry]

Hello Lightenup

Thank you for replying to me. It sounds as if you are struggling as much as me.  I felt reved up also when I left CBT, but everyday reality is hard. I think that my tablets stopped working as well, this is why I want to come off them, but I will if necessary go on to another sort if things get worse.
I think that your tablets probably didn't work well when you were ill. But also illness can set you back anyway especially something like Flu which is horrible anyway.
I realise I have got to stop obsessing about things and start again. Work on going out and facing people. Lightenup I wish you the very best in your recovery, I know how slow it can be, be kind to yourself.
Love and Peace
Carry

[bel]

Hi Carry,
Please do not feel it is your fault. Depression can be triggered by all sorts of things, our past life, single events or ongoing situations that we are unable to deal with, so we retreat into depression. Perhaps you are afraid of living, but you will have reasons for this fear, even if you are not conscious of them. That still does not make it your fault.
I am sure you have worked hard on your therapy, but that does not magically make depression go away. It can still overwhelm us at times, especially when it has been a long term and deep seated problem.
For myself, I have had therapy and been on and off different anti-depressants for many years. Mostly I feel ok these days, but there are still times when I want to hide away and the simplest things are too much. So I understand how you feel.
So, as you said to Lightenup, be kind to yourself. It is a slow process; some days are harder than others, just do what you can.
All the best, bel