Hi everyone!

[Amy-Lou]

I've just joined the forum today.  Hoping to find a safe place to say how I'm feeling and make some friends :)

[craig84]

you couldn't have stumbled across a better place Amy-Lou, pleasure to have you here ! I've found it so helpful and can relate to all the users in some way or another so look forward to seeing more of your posts :)

Hope your doing ok at the moment!?

[Amy-Lou]

Thanks Craig...it's always nice to find people who have an idea about what you're going through :)

[craig84]

 

can make all the difference for some of us :)

[stewart]

Hi Amy, welcome to the forums.
you have as craig said found the right place.
here you can say how you feel, even stsrt a journal if you want too do so.

we are a friendly bunch here, and noone will judeg you as we all know how the big D impacts on our lives.

[SteveW]

Welcome to you Amy. I hope you find what you need here.

Love

Steve

[Pip]

 :welcome: Amy-Lou

You will be made to feel very welcome here so post at your own pace 

[Becky123]

Hi Amy-lou  welcome to the forum. Hope you find some supoort here from people that understand

[Amy-Lou]

Thanks everyone x feeling a bit choked!

I find my emotions are always right on the surface, so the slightest thing can either have me in tears or, on the flip side of the coin...well, let's just say I have a bit of a temper on me 

I'm not sleeping well just recently. It's nearly 4am and I'm wide awake and buzzing...it's really frustrating. I feel like I've been drinking loads of coffee or red bull (which I haven't) and I just can't switch off!!

I've been feeling pretty low recently; just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...BAM!!
I've been dealing with mental illness for as long as I can remember. It's normality for me (which is, perhaps, the saddest thing)

Recently, though, my partner has been feeling depressed (which is ironic, because when we first met over 10 years ago he couldn't understand why, or how, my mood would change suddenly. He'd never had any experience of mental illness and, he's not proud to admit, but he thought that people who said they were depressed just needed a kick up the arse, pull their socks up and/or just get on with it.
Well, now the shoe's on the other foot too and although there's a tiny part of me that wants to go "Hah, in your face" or "Jeez, quit your moaning, pull your socks up and get on with it", it kills me to think that over the years I've broken him. The light is slowly fading from his eyes and his flare-for-life is now little more than a flicker.

I probably just sound like I'm self-obsessed by saying that his problems are to do with me, buy I do really feel that, if he'd never have met me and got involved in the train wreck that is my existence, he'd just be better off.
Quite a lot of the time I feel that everybody would be better off if I just went away. Perhaps it would hurt for a while, but as time went along they'd forget.......

Anyway, sorry for going on but thanks for listening

Amy x

[craig84]

morning Amy,

hope by now your asleep again, sometimes you get to sleep then wake u and your thoughts are racing so much you cant get back to sleep. it does feel like a coffee buzz at times though. a shrink once told me I need to try and organise my thoughts .... she never told me how to do this though, I just let myself go through the thoughts and feel the emotions then tried to sleep again, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't unfortunately.

if you've been dealing with mental illness for some time now I wonder if you've found any meds that work for you? if you get any talking therapy or anything like that?
do you get real support by people around you like friends and family.... this can help with the right support meds and therapy!

I don't think your being fair on yourself in blaming yourself for your partners depression! has he given any indication why he is feeling the way he is? is he getting any treatment?

[Pip]

Amy, how you're feeling is normal. 

My husband has suffered with depression for 30 years which started after his dad died.  We got together 20 years ago so it's always been part of our marriage.  It's been 8 years this month that he has had to deal with me suffering with depression as well.  I have actually suffered with depression for almost 40 years bu didn't understand that I did for a long time then I was good at hiding it.  At first it wasn't easy at first for my husband as I had always been the 'strong' one.  Over the years we have learned to cope with each other's mood although it can be hard going at times when we are both low.

[Amy-Lou]

I've tried quite a few meds over the years (fluoxetine, citalopram, mirtazapine, dosulepin, amitriptyline...) I can't take SSRI's cuz they make me 'manic', which is why my Dr tried me on a couple of different types (SNRI's and tricyclic's) Nothing has helped me

I had talking therapy (NHS) for over a year which ended just after Christmas and I had to wait three months to be re-referred cuz of rules to do with funding, or something. After waiting since march, I have an appointment to see a therapist in a couple of weeks! I was told that I'd benefit the most from long-term therapy, but I can't afford to pay and it's not available on the NHS. To be honest though, I don't really feel like I gained anything from going to the sessions...all it did was dreg up problems that I'd managed to block out, but didn't teach me how to deal with them?!? Maybe it was just me not being open to the whole process!?

We did discuss personality disorders but the therapist was very evasive about it and every time I mentioned it she'd get pretty shirty with me, saying that it's not important to put labels on things; it doesn't explain how things came to be what they are and then there's the stigma of "being ....." (whatever your label is)
For me though, I think that I want/need to have a diagnosis and then I'll know what I'm dealing with.

Hope everyone's keeping well   

Amy x

[SteveW]

Getting a diagnosis correct is important. Different diagnoses have different treatments psychotherapeutic and drug. Do you see a psychiatrist as well ? It
doesn't seem at all unreasonable to ask him for a diagnosis. By the way therapists shouldn't get "shirty" even if provoked and you didn't provoke.

[Amy-Lou]

Hey Steve,

No, I've never seen a psychiatrist...it's not for a want of asking though! I asked my GP about trying a mood stabiliser instead of/in combination with an anti-depressant. She said that she wouldn't be able to take the first step and for that I'd need to see a psychiatrist and that's as far as it went

I'm not seeing that therapist anymore, I start with a new one in a couple of weeks...fingers crossed!