Sorry for my huge rant, I feel I need to release it somewhere and hope I feel better after it...
Right now I am on antibiotics as I was diagnosed with a kidney infection last saturday. I had my urine tested yesterday and apparantley the infection is gone. I still have to finish my course and the pain in my abdominal area is still just as bad. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow because no one knows what on earth this pain is, and its getting me down. Since Sunday, I have barely been able to eat. The antibiotics make me feel so sick, i nearly chucked up earlier; i'm getting a stiff neck, sensitivity to light, chest pain, headache and trouble sleeping. Its getting worse the further into the course I go, and knowing I still have to take 4 more is a nightmare, it may seem like just 4 to anyone but when you are going through chest pain and feeling so ill you can only drink a few sips of milk, its 4 more tablets of torture. I try to force myself to eat a bit of lightly buttered bread or a digestive biscuit every couple hours but half the time just looking or smelling it makes me gag and I can't do it. I'm absolutely exhausted.
Before I went on antibiotics, I had pretty much hit a break down with depression. Every day I find it hard to compose myself, i'm often finding that as soon as I get alone time, i'm crying my eyes out.
I think I have become a bit worse because of the pain in my abdomen and the fact i have felt sick since saturday.
I think I first started feeling depressed around the age of 14 because home life sucked and I was always picked on at school. My first memory as a child is hearing screaming and seeing blood on the wall of my dining room (my drunk dad had a fight with his drunk 'friend' and started smashing beer bottles at each other). My grandad had to come round and look after my sister and I for a bit as my mum had to go A&E with my dad.
When he came back from A&E I freaked out (I dont remember this but my mum does). I had to go and sleep around my nan and grandads house for about a week because I was terrified of his huge black eye. The only part I remember is being at their house with the christmas lights around and me having to walk down the stairs with my eyes closed because he came round to see me. I had my eyes closed the whole time and ran away when I got the chance.
I would feel very upset if someone ran away or moved out for a while because I had a black eye. It did not seem to faze him though; he didn't seem sorry for long at all and didnt seem bothered that he scared me out of the house.
Years went on where he annoyed my sister. Then when I hit around 12-13 years old, the told me to my face that its my turn to be picked on now.
Every day he would just do stuff to wind me up. When I went into secondary school, year 7, I was bullied almost immediately. I was about 4ft 10 or something, very short and thin. We had a lot of mixed races in my school, and most of my tutor group was. They hung around in their own groups. I did not have a problem with race, i don't care what colour someone is or where they come from, as long as they are nice then im fine with them. However one main girl who was mixed raced, tall and a bit chubby said one day outside to everyone that she hates me because i am quiet. I stood there silent and she said she was joking. I didnt believe her. 2 years of putting up with her picking away at me, my dad was saying I probably deserved it, that if i acted the way i did at home then i must act like it at school.
There are 2 key moments that have scarred me from school.
First one, was in PE. Sitting on the bench with her, 3 of her friends and a dude who was quiet. She started asking me personal questions about my chest size and stuff. I was so embarrased she was asking in front of this boy; and even her friends were like shh thats too much. I just said don't know. The conversation ended because we all had to then go to the squash courts and play table tennis. There were not enough tables so half the class stood on the balcony to watch. No one liked me so i had to go with 2 girls as I didnt have a partner. The big girl was up on the balcony and started shouting things like why dont you hit the ball, go on run, move. Suddenly, something snapped inside of me and I just walked out of the room and sobbed. A female teacher saw me and tried to calm me down. The big girl came downstairs and said she was only playing, I said i believed her just so she would go away. However, the teacher reported her.
Some girls had a meeting with the deputy head and I had a lot come to me asking why I reported the girl. She was apparently crying. I had a flock of literally 20 people cornering me at the wall shouting and screaming saying I was out of order. I was in tears and a teacher heard the commotion a whole corridor away. She had to come rescue me and I was just crying stupidly for a while.
She was the only teacher who then started to look out for me.
A friend who was in the same class as the big girl said that in her science class, her and another girl were saying how they bet i cut myself and that im anorexic. They found it hilarious that I may cut (which i didn't do).
The last straw was when in one class, she called me a racist b****. we had to work in groups for citizenship; make a campaign and stuff. She kept interrogating me asking what music i liked; she probably heard i'm a backstreet boys lover, in which i was embarrassed to like because no one in my school liked boy bands, it was all about beyonce, alicia keys, all R&B music.
She then asked me if i have any black people in my family. I said no. that was when she made that comment. I reported it. Couple weeks later, she was gone from the school for good and i never saw her again.
However the second key moment is when she had gone, this huge girl who was black decided to step in. I had made friends, well thought I had, with a girl in my tutor class. She added me on MSN messenger and we spoke a little. Then I was added into a group convo, I didnt know they were cussing me at first. Calling me a goth and stuff. Then it got bad and embarrassing, then they cussed my mum which I flipped out at and swore at them. They said they would beat me up outside the gates, told me to watch myself. my mum made me print it out and show the school. I did, but the man in charge of that just said the language is atrocious and he wouldnt let his daughter go on a computer without being supervised.
At the end of the day, he did nothing. My mum, sister, and grandad all came up to meet me that day. I had to go the back way because they said all the girls and boys were out the front waiting around. There was a police man there but only because some other girl had been threatened that day from a year below.
So many people were nasty and cruel to me, some never spoke to me because of rumours. I lost my friends in year 7 because there were rumours that I was gay/bi so the girls must have got scared. There were rumours that I cut, was anorexic, liked this boy, liked that boy; there were 11 rumours in about a year.
All whilst this happened, my dad was verbally abusing me at home. In my last year, he went to punch me in the face. He yelled at me because he asked if i loved him and i said no. He charged at me with his fist out and said come back here you little c.. (the worst vulgar swear word there is). He said it about 3 times. My mum and sister got out of their beds and had to stand infront to protect me.
I was so scared i couldnt sleep for 2 days. He had a break down and was going to kill a man up the pub and then himself. my mum and sister tried to calm him and felt sorry for him. I didnt want to, but i was told im heartless.
Only about a couple months later, he goes to punch me again.
I went to college for 2 years, in the first year he goes to punch me again, because I told him he had wet himself.. which he had.. but he was so drunk he reacted that way again.
I was picked on in college, i was the only white female in the class and this black girl said to her friend next to me that black girls are much prettier than white girls.
After the third time of facing abuse from my dad, i was going around 3 councils trying to move out. However they failed me because they said i need to be hit first for them to do anything.
Rumours flew around at college and I got a reputation as a person who bunked class.
Christmas 2010, my dad was drunk with this woman in our house. My mum, sister and I were upstairs listen to them slur their words. my dad receives a text because the womans husband wants her home (was midnight) and apparantly my dad had sent him a text impying things. The man came storming to our door and tried to bash it down. My dad had one of our big kitchen knives in his hand and said he was going to kill him. I was upstairs having a huge anxiety attack and had to call my grandad. My sister called 999 downstairs who also panicked. My mum and the woman tried to fight to get the knife away from the men. My mum fell and to this day, she has major hip problems and chill blanes in her feet. The man was sent home and the wife stayed at ours the night. I went home with my grandad in the snow at 1 in the morning because I was refusing to stay. There was blood in our front room, on some of our stuff.
I went back to mine at 11am and the woman was still there. This was the second time in my life that I had walked out because of his actions, and he didnt care.
He kept saying sorry to my mum, never me.
Things have calmed down since, as we know he is cheating on my mum with that woman. He went out and left his phone on the table, where i shakily had a quick look; shaking in terror that I could be caught. His sent box was cleared but i read her texts, not explicit but obvious enough to know she likes him, smothering the texts in kisses doesnt help.
I sobbed and told my mum, who wasnt surprised at all. They have just recently 'split' about a month ago, but she still has war with him. There is not enough money for anyone to move out.
I have been living at my boyfriends very regularly now from october 2012, but was visitng a lot since march 2011, so i havnt had to put up with him every day like i used to.
One of the last times i went home, i went for 5 days and they were having a raging arguement and he was smashing the freezer door in.
I dont really want to deal with him. he barely speaks to me at home because he is obsessed with an online game (he doesnt drink as much as before because of this game but its still enough).
I do feel frustrated that my mum never left him. he drove her mental when i was born and she said no to him leaving.
Everyone in my house can act that things are fine but i am always left with these memories; i feel horrible but i find myself feeling angry at my mum for letting things happen.
By year 7, I turned into a very timid, quiet, reserved person. I have slowly changed to be a bit more confident, because my boyfriend has a large family; its like i have been forced to; but i still have my moments regularly where i want to stay locked in this room. There are 7 people in this house so its cluttered and always noisy.
I want to move out but i dont have enough savings and i am unemployed.
I do not see myself ever getting a job i'd like, i do not see myself ever being able to afford to move to even a flat, and i just dont see myself ever being truly happy. I dont see a future for myself.
Sorry I wrote such an awful lot, thats just me in a nutshell and how im feeling right now
