My mum

[melaniejm]

Hi everyone. I lost my mum seven months back. I seem to be deteriorating since about three months ago.  Unfortunately I have suffered from panic attacks from 19 so these have now blown out of proportion. It hits me she's not here and I get utterly hopeless and panicky. The tragedy is I stay with my father and am a single mother so it so unfair on them. Any advice? I'm dreading mum's birthday coming up and on my birthday she was admitted for the last time. Thanks so much.

[craig84]

Hey Melaniejm,
 So sorry about your mum and what your going through! it must be hard, where are you in relation to getting support professional or otherwise? you definitely deserve kudo's for having the courage to join! as well as being a single mum and no doubt being there for your father too already speaks volumes of your strength and courage.

we are only human though and get weak from time to time. just don't feel guilty for how you feel, with everything your going through your entitled to those feelings and should embrace them when you can to fully release the emotion you feel, I think everyone feels better after a good cry!

I lost a couple of parental figures over the years. one of which his funeral was on my birthday 4 years ago which always brings up memories of him obviously! he was like a father figure when working from a young age and the other was an aunt who was like a mother to me when I saw her, I lost her to breast cancer and couldn't attend the funeral as it was abroad. I also lost a little stepbrother when I was around 7 which was pretty traumatic too!

the thing I find helps even just a little is being gratefull that I had experienced that person in my life. that we were able to share memories and learn from eachother. I didn't have much to relate that to my brother as he was still born but I cherish the 10 minutes I spent with him in the chapel of rest.

other advice is to read through the topics in the relevant sections and relate to other peoples experiences and advice.

you may see what your going though as being unfair on the people around you as your meant to appear strong which is completely understandable in your situation! you are only human though and given time hopefully people will understand... lean on friends if you can for support, failing that there are people here who are so helpful and kind, theres always a warm welcome here!

hope your doing okay and staying strong!

[melaniejm]

Thank you so much for your beautiful reply. Its amazing that so many people go through this and I can't seem to come right. My poor daughter is only 7 and sees me tearful a lot which is just terrible. My father struggles to show emotion. I've calmed down on all my bad habits and it still seems hopeless. I think I'm on the wrong medication. Psychologists charge the earth and it's like being a guinea pig. Is my local GP worth a try?

[craig84]

your welcome Mel everybody's different and have their own ways and means of coping...

some people throw themselves into work and try to stay so busy that they don't allow themselves time to grieve but eventually it catches up with them until they explode/implode. Clearly not the best way to deal with things as its just procrastinates feeling the emotions that go with grieving.

with that said, there's no doubt that anybody wants to be seen tearful or upset all the time so finding balance and support as well as recognising triggers that "set you off" would benefit you in dealing and managing your emotions. (so easier said than done unfortunately)

There are free therapies available through some charities. most popular is MIND but im sure there are more (google mental health charities in your area). I have used MIND before and they really helped me understand some of my issues and gave me tools to help myself recover.
I know they offer bereavement counselling.

the NHS is a Lengthy process to take to say the least. peoples experiences differ no doubt but in my case for example I went to my docs about a month ago as I was suicidal and he set me a course of anti depressents (fluoxetine) and referred me for therapy,  I received a letter from the NHS last week stating I should receive a letter with an appointment soon. however long soon is but I suspect I will be on a waiting list for a month at least.

Ive spent so long and continue to pursue the right help for myself that ive become my own shrink in a sense... ive read a lot about psychology and have read self help books because I am sick of  waiting and want to be better.

yes I would say approach your GP with your concerns of your medication and see what they advise. Ask for a referral for therapy if you would like to speak to someone. While your waiting i'd try and get therapy with a charity in the meantime (if your really struggling) as you never know how long you will be waiting for nhs..

excuse the length of my reply lol

I remember being your daughters age when I lost my little brother and remember seeing my mum upset at the funeral and I wanted to comfort her. my nan beat me to cuddling her but your daughter may just want to do the same for you :) let her :) sometimes kids can be more adult than we are!

[Pip]

My mum died two years ago and it was actually my sister who struggled the most.  My dad was devastated at the time and it did take time for him which is natural as they had been married for 53 years.  He found a new lease of life which helped plus great grandchildren being born after she had died.

My sister sent me a message around the first anniversary ~ we live about 260 miles apart ~ through Facebook.  I sent her a message back letting her know I was thinking about our mum as well.  I then went on to tell her that even though our mum isn't with us in person she still lives on in our children and grandchildren.  That all she has to do is look at them to remember the good memories.  There was a bit more to it but that part really seemed to help my sister.

I didn't have a great relationship with my mum but it was still upsetting.  In a way I was able to start my own grieving before my mum died as I knew she was quite poorly.  My mum was asthmatic and diabetic so had already been in hospital quite a bit.  The last time was for 10 weeks and my mum had been bed ridden before that so there was talk of getting her into a nursing home.  My dad was 82 so it wasn't easy for him to do so much for her but my mum wanted to go home.  My sister and dad were despairing what to do but before they made a final decision she died.  I took comfort in the fact that she was out of pain. 

Sorry for being long winded and my point is we all cope in different ways and there is no time scale for grieving.  When my nan died I stayed overnight with my great aunt as the funeral was in Wales.  When my aunt and I were chatting in the evening she suddenly burst into tears as it had been the first time she had seen me since my great uncle had died.  We both ended up in tears and were able to smile at the same time remembering the good times.  Be kind to yourself and remember that your time of grieving is normal.

[melaniejm]

Thanks Pip and Craig.
It is ironic that I similarly had a sick mum for a long time. She had emphysema and that last week she just knew. I think because I witnessed it I've battled. I went to my GP yesterday and have started new meds and will begin therapy. All because of this site. I have to control and master my panic attacks again. Jodie (my little girl) is my reason for being; so I need to realize that she needs me to give her happy childhood memories and not ones of mum sad and crying. I really, really hope these new meds work. Thank you for your stories too. If I am not careful I will lose Jodie so my determination is there. Sweaty palms just typing this. Thanks again guys xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Mel

[craig84]

  glad you've gained the strength to get help, for some that's the hardest step but your on your way. Jodie is lucky to have a mum so determined to give the best she can for her daughter!

my mums health has been getting worse over the years, its managed by medication at the moment but I still worry. she has a lot on  her plate right now so im trying to support her where I can.

I've read of some people saying the meds they are on have made such a difference but for me its balance, the anti depressents help rebuild the chemical serotonin in your brain which in my case I rarely notice but with therapy and support they all work together to help me stay on an even keel and "cope" with life... unfortunately I am only on meds at the moment but am waiting for therapy like you... writing on here helps so much for me! without it i'd feel so alone because I don't really have any support other than here. people know I suffer with depression but just brush it off as its so widespread now I think people reckon im just using it as an excuse which does make it harder to deal with.

stay strong Mel !! were here when you need us!

[Pip]

Yes, children are a good reason to live.  Jodie will be proud of you for doing something to help yourself.   

[briscounsellor]

Time will help to heal and your emotions are natural. It is important that you have someone you can talk to so that your emotions are not bottled up.

Both of my partners parents died in a short space of time, one quite tragically. The emotions were very intense for the first couple of years and many tears were cried. My partner felt that reality had become distant.  Due to my partners age people would often ask about the parents, assuming them to be alive. I could see the pain this caused.

Time will heal. You can and will get through this as difficult as it may seem.

[briscounsellor]

Do something to remember her on the day. Talk to others and remember the positives. Light a candle, cry...

I would be happy knowing when I have passed away that people will remember about me, talk about me and take a moment to think about me,

[melaniejm]

Thank you so much briscousellor; your story is very brave. Its the panic I need to work at disassociating with thoughts of my mum. Its also the guilt phase she suffered and the anger I'm letting it stop my life. I honestly had no idea it would be like this. Thank you for your beautiful words.