does it all boil down to relationships

[craig84]

i was thinking about my family earlier and how my parents split up and how my dad has never settled with another person really, he wont ever marry again he says. my mum is still with the guy she left my dad for. then theres my two sisters one who is married (to the first and only guy she has ever been with) and the other who is not married because she is attracted to men who treat her like poo. then i thought about me and my brother. both single, me more recently and my brother for a few years now.

the sepereation ruined my dad at the time, and has left its damage since because he wont commit nowadays. my breakups have left me so worthless and low and my brother the same to the point where he sees all women as evil and will never trust in them. my mum has always regretted leaving my dad and is unhappy with her current husband because of the life they now have.
anyone i know that has had someone they love taken from them or been abandoned by them has knocked them for six and changed that person.

so i wonder if we all have the same triggers for what makes or breaks us ... relationships!

i feel like if i wasn't abandoned by my mom when i was a kid i wouldn't be so devastated if a girl leaves me now. my dad will not commit to anyone in marriage because he was left by his ex wife. my sister has stayed with her husband because she is scared of what will happen to her if she left. my other sister attracts herself to men that need she cant commit to because they are assholes who don't deserve her.

i wonder if that's all it takes. if you were to have a happy healthy relationship would it make it easier to live with depression and carry on with life because for me all i want from life is to be loved and to love ... isn't that what we all want but because of people taking us for granted or deserting us somehow we are stuck in this circle of depression???

i dunno.. had an epiphany moment earlier not sure if it makes sense lol

[Chocobo]

I think it all boils down to the person, my personal outlook is that of course your parents break up will affect you but its the things that happen after that cause the problems, maybe they were too open about how they felt with you which is why your siblings and yourself have a negative outlook on relationships.
My mother cheated on my father with his brother and i could be my uncles child really, then she got with said uncle, broke up with him and had and affair with her best friends husband... I used that to my advantage so i dont do the stupid things she did..
this is normal, to get past it there are a few things you can do, you need to realize that you can not brush everyone with the same brush, people make mistakes, putting pressure on your relationship because of your past experiences will cause problems, you need to relax as hard as it is (I know how hard it is) remember you chose to be with this person, the same as your parents did, they may feel they made a mistakes but that was their choice, not your burden to bare... They are old enough to choose their lives, you do not need to feel responsible, at the moment you are using them as an example for your love life as are your family, remember if you find someone that loves you and its right you will know it, the worries may still be there but you will know it is nothing to worry about

[craig84]

thanks for the response..

im not sure what I was getting at with that post, I think I realised that a lot of peoples problems stem from relationships.  its far too complex to say that as a definitive though.

I wouldn't say I personally have a negative outlook on relationships, ive just made bad choices and a few mistakes but they are made to be learned from which hopefully I have done now.

I do feel a sense of responsibility even though I know I shouldn't. I was the one who told my dad "who was that man kissing mummy" at a xmas party. I know its not my fault, stupidly it doesn't change my feeling responsible...  again im the reason my dad vacated the uk after the separation because he made me chose to live with him or my mum and i chose mum, soon after he sold our family home he moved to malta...

ah such is life i,ll get there eventually... i know its a matter of concentrating on myself before i can expect to meet someone and im fine with that. im in no rush (at the moment)

[Pip]

My parents had the 'perfect marriage' and were soul mates.  My mum died two years ago and they had been married for 53 years which is good going these days.  However due to emotional abuse from my mum for many years scarred me and was the root cause of me being depressed.  My sister was the 'perfect child' and I was the one who 'couldn't do anything right and was useless'. 

When I was 19 years old she was the main instigator of me being coerced aka blatantly bullied and lied into surrendering my son.  It completely destroyed my trust in everybody so it wrecked my future relationships as I couldn't trust anybody.  I still suffer with trust issues and very few people know me well as I only let people in so far.  I was 32 when I finally married and it took my husband years to get to know the real me as it took him years to chip away at the invisible wall I had built up

[craig84]

thanks for sharing pip it sounds awful having to go through what you did! ive been watching that programme on bbc about people searching out their parents or children, always get a bit teary watching it. I think its seing people reunited and happy that sets me off because my family was taken from me in a sense too.

[Chocobo]

thanks for the response..

im not sure what I was getting at with that post, I think I realised that a lot of peoples problems stem from relationships.  its far too complex to say that as a definitive though.

I wouldn't say I personally have a negative outlook on relationships, ive just made bad choices and a few mistakes but they are made to be learned from which hopefully I have done now.

I do feel a sense of responsibility even though I know I shouldn't. I was the one who told my dad "who was that man kissing mummy" at a xmas party. I know its not my fault, stupidly it doesn't change my feeling responsible...  again im the reason my dad vacated the uk after the separation because he made me chose to live with him or my mum and i chose mum, soon after he sold our family home he moved to malta...

ah such is life i,ll get there eventually... i know its a matter of concentrating on myself before i can expect to meet someone and im fine with that. im in no rush (at the moment)

i am as guilty as you for blaming myself for things that were beyond my control and this does make me a hypocrite im afraid but it is NOT your fault, your mother made that choice, you did as any child would, remind yourself everyday it was not you, you are a good person, years ago my therapist made me look in a mirror and tell myself 'its not my fault i AM a good person' took her over 35 minutes to get me to say it once, i couldnt look myself in the eye the first few times, but when i did... It helped so much, i know im not a bad person deep down, i just need to bring the good person in me out :) I can tell you are a caring person, try not to put so much pressure on yourself, it will not help you sweet xx

[craig84]

its funny you say that because I hate looking at myself or keeping eye contact with someone. I can understand you taking so long to tell yourself anything in the mirror because I cant bring myself to do it myself yet. ive read about affirmations before, its strange how even though im aware of some techniques used to help in my situation I don't use them.

ive said before I am my own worst enemy, procrastinating is another thing I do because I do a lot of the time believe I deserve the &$%+ty hand ive been dealt.

excuse the swearing x

[Chocobo]

its funny you say that because I hate looking at myself or keeping eye contact with someone. I can understand you taking so long to tell yourself anything in the mirror because I cant bring myself to do it myself yet. ive read about affirmations before, its strange how even though im aware of some techniques used to help in my situation I don't use them.

ive said before I am my own worst enemy, procrastinating is another thing I do because I do a lot of the time believe I deserve the &$%+ty hand ive been dealt.

excuse the swearing x

Oh yeah you are like me, i know the techniques  but i never use them long, the depression and self loathing takes hold and i give up -_- My own worst enemy really¬

[craig84]

lol I said the exactly the same thing about myself...

usually if a few positive things happen in a row itll help pull me out of a slump but maintaining a healthy mood to keep it goin is hard. especially when there seem to be so many things that pull me down.

[Chocobo]

lol I said the exactly the same thing about myself...

usually if a few positive things happen in a row itll help pull me out of a slump but maintaining a healthy mood to keep it goin is hard. especially when there seem to be so many things that pull me down.

Over sensitive Bit like me! ^_^ You are not alone im sure there are plenty of people on this site the same!

[Pip]

I'm the same.  I am fortunate that I have plenty of positive influences in my life.  If anything and in the kindest possible way they are trying to toughen me up.  My life tends to evolve around our church and it didn't take me long to realize that it's always the same few who do all the jobs that need doing such as cleaning.  Even down to the lunch club which is held once a week  it's hard work to keep volunteers.  My problem is I'm not very good at the 'n' word so I tend to get put upon so occasionally I get an ear bashing for not saying no.  I keep telling them that I do because I want to do not because It's expected.  Their point is while I'm prepared to do things it gives others the excuse not to help.

[craig84]

yeah I have been known to say yes far too much. commonly known as being a push over or walked all over which id admit I was and still can be depending on my mood.

I did start saying no to people making unreasonable requests and I did notice I received more respect for a while, I learnt I could say no and even though I felt guilty for it because I was so unused to going against my instincts it made me realise I gained respect from people because I stood up for myself and my beliefs... I still say yes when I don't want to sometimes but like depression its something you have to keep working on, you have good days and bad...

I know where your coming from though, I help out my brother quite a lot but I know that some of the things I do for him is enabling him to be as lazy as he can be... if I didn't do his washing up for egsample he would have to do it but because I cant stand seeing his place in such a mess I find myself doing it. the agreement is I cook and he washes up.... guess what? I wash up too lol