Hi thanks for acceting me into the forums i'm hoping its gona be a big help to me, i struggled with the subject but basically starting from the beginning, in secondary school it was hell, i can only recall very little from 5 whole years because as a coping mechanism i forced myself to forget everything or just didn't register anything at the time so that part of my life is like standing in dark room only seeing the faintest of light. What caused this was bullying and my lack of being able to cope and being so alone and the guilt of knowing that gangs of these bully's were attacking myself, my family and my home (we had a least two windows smashed by glass bottles both of which i was standing next to at the time, which didn't help my nerves but anyway) what carried me through was the single thought that life after could be better if i persevered through such dark times. Then came sixth form and at first it was better, i made friends for the first time and felt accepted, but by the end of sixth form my trust in everyone i had met there was betrayed and i was heartbroken (Basically a bad first time sexual experience that i thought would remain private between me and the other person was spread all through the friends i made and not one of them told me until weeks or months after it happened which affected me badly) During these seven years i went through such painful and dark depression and i didn't even realise it until much later, i hated myself entirely and was self harming, only the hope and the love i had for my family and the thought of making them suffer even more by me committing suicide was all that kept me going. The majority of what happened to me went on fairly silently as my brother was suffering from depression but wasn't willing to admit it or seek the help and still to this day make living at home with my family a living hell and no longer an option for me.
So after the seven years i was more than happy to leave my home town and start anew (i did miss my family though and still went back to see them for short breaks) and i started at university, my brothers jealousy and spite for me though made things very difficult for me and my mum even though i'd moved away. Anyway i started my course and met a guy on a social night out and amazed myself by having the courage to talk to him and start going out with him, i also managed to make new friends but know wiser i soon realised which ones to drop. Although things had improved and i know had the support of my boyfriend i was still very depressed but was now realising it, my bf encouraged me to go see the doctors and they perscribed me with citalopram but at the same time i had begun twitching in my arms and shoulders which only added to it. After many appointments and scans the doctors said that it must be phcological. So i'm on the medication and trying my best to get through university and support my bf who has very little money as he's on benefits and he was also suffering with depression.
Then during my sceond year my grandfarther passed away after a long time in hospital, it was very difficult to cope with as my grandmother (his wife) was also in the hospital and was suffeing with dementia. This solitary, kind hearted and stubborn old fool left such a hole in our lifes, nothing has been the same without him, we all at that time came together as a pretty messed up and dysfunctional family and silently supported each other and felt bonded like i had never felt before. Then after the funeral my grandmother suffered an episodeand was in hospital again, when she woke up she asked where her husband was and why he hadn't come to see her. She had forgotten that he has died, the funeral and everything up to a month or so afterwards. This was one of the most difficult things we had to endure as a family, and it still makes my heart break knowing how alone and scared she must have felt.
We all helped each other to work through things and things were hopefully getting back on track. Hoever i was on and off the citalopram cause i struggle with taking pills reguarly and was finding it difficult but kept going knowing that now i only had bout 6 months of uni left. I was looking forward to my 21st birthday but my grandmother (my other grandmother, not the one with dementia) was in hospital, everyone thought that she would be home eventually and would at least have another few years to be comfortable. Her 80th birthday was the day before my 21st, my mum and auntie went to visit her on the day with a cake, flowers, balloons the whole shebang. But she suddenly took a turn the night before and the nurses hadnt noticed, she died of blood poisoning later that day with my mum and auntie at her bedside. words cant decribe the feeling that is still all of us even months after. My mum, the independant, strong and bravest woman i know wept to me over the phone simply because she was still expecting y grandmother to y on the other end of the phone when she rang. My foolish stubborn dad did try to comfort my mum but lets just say, he's not exactly a care bear even though he is the size of a real life bear :), this bloody fool did something that he had never done in 21 years, he hugged me, and comforted me. Since my grandmothers death i somehow managed to carry on through college and finish with a decent enough grade.
So thats the story up till now, (so sorry for the long post
), now i'm looking for a job and i'm living off benefits with my bf and desperatly trying not to to fall back into the 'darkness' that was what i felt before, i gained so uch strength and fought tooth and nail to get where i am now but it feels like i've failed myself and my family by not doing better and not havng got a job yet since i left uni about a month ago. I'm terrified tat i'll never get a job and will be stuck in this vicious cycle for years like my brother was, and that i'll sink back into depression and end up loosing my bf and everything i worked so hard for. Lately with the heat wave we're having i haven't slept during the night for the past few weeks, instead i've been sleeping during the day and have ended up not going out and barely seeing my bf. I'm now a wreck and can hardly go out else i end up having a panic attack and not coping, the same things that were happening when my depression was worse. I feel like i'm trapped in cycle thats leading to me self harming again that i'm never going to get out of.
I really appreciate any replys that people put and congrats if you made it all the way to the end :) I'm really sorry it's so long and probably boring and i'm sorry if it seems like i'm attention seeking.
Many thanks in advance,
Tiggyangel x
