hi im newish and this is why im here

[craig84]

so im just coming to terms with seeing my depression as an actual illness, not a short term state of mind that will get better and i'll live happily ever after... im coming to the stage that I have to live with this. ive noticed the circles ive been going in and they vary from highs of succeeding with work whatever it may be, and having independence, social life, fun, the "normal life"  ... compared to the lows of suicidal thoughts, no selfesteem, no job, no home to call my own, no social life because I lock myself away, no.... anything... just an existence of misery. now ive noticed these circles and im learning that this is something I have to live with through the good and bad... so this post I guess is me introducing myself and trying to find a way to get my depression under some control cos I don't want it to beat me anymore... !!

im not used to writing in bogs and my posts will be completely random and probably go off subject but I do have a lot of questions and im here because I want to find more friends who suffer from depression because ive shut everyone out who judges or doesn't understand what I go through.

So where are you at with your depression ?

[craig84]

lol in blogs :) nice one

[SteveW]

I read your post and thought I would reply. You are not far away from how old I was when I was diagnosed with depression. I was 21 and I experienced the pattern you are predicting for yourself, I would get 3 or 4 years of normality then I would be hit by an almighty depression. I am 62 and have managed to fit in 14 depressions.

My way of coping was simple. During the periods I was well I would really go for things, both work and play. I felt that at the end of my life I would have fitted in more than most people without depression would have. I think it worked. I ended up with 5 university degrees and 2 professional qualifications and had some really interesting jobs. I won't go into the play, much of it was illegal.

The depression periods I really wrote off. I devoted my effects to getting over the episode and always managed it.

I suppose the point of the post is to let you know that repeated episodic depressive episodes don't have to screw your entire life. I don't know if I would have done nearly as much if I hadn't had the depressions. I would have have taken it easy and ended up doing much less.

[craig84]

thanks for the reply steve...  im a bit all over the damn place at the moment. not quite sure where I stand, how ready I am for things... im out of work at the moment... there's parts of me that want to solely concentrate in dealing with my depression and overcoming it and then tackling work but experience has shown that you just cant do things that way...

my problem is im just too impatient and I already feel that the depressions ive already had have screwed my life to an extent, with every episode it seems to take part of me with it. the person I used to be is gone and the person im turning into isn't something I like or ever thought id be like.

when you say you devoted your effects to getting over the episode what did you mean? It interested me but I didn't understand.

im throwing myself into getting any job at the moment, I got a call from an agency right away and had butterflies the whole time, ive accepted being put up for a job but I was saying yes when everything else was telling me to say no

[SteveW]

I was very lucky in having a partner who understood depression. The first thing would be a joint decision as to whether this was a serious depression. Easy enough. When I'm depressed I give up eating, drinking, and sleeping.She would take over all our transactions with the outside world. I wouldn't have to worry in any way.

Then she would begin the common sense treatment. Regular meals, all the right foods,  a routine to the day, regular exercise etc There are any number of suggestions about that all over the Internet. The only thing that seriously interested me was food containing
the Amino Acid Tryptophan. The body uses that to make Serotonin which is certainly implicated in depression.

But we were both in the therapy trade so we could draw on its resources. She would usually start with Behavioural Activation. This was very new in those days. I won't go into it but here is a link.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_activation

Google will throw up loads of stuff on it.

Then came cognitive therapy. The definitive book Aaron Beck's Cognitive Therapy of Depression didn't appear until 1979, but the ideas were about much earlier. So we adopted them. Again there is a wikipedia article on it.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapy

These two methods would play a big role in getting better but I should mention drugs.My psychiatrist had quite a role. He believed that if you hadn't responded to an anti-depressant inside two weeks you probably wouldn't. I didn't have to spend ages on a dose that wasn't doing anything. He also believed that recommended maximum doses were optional. He put me on doses that people wouldn't believe. But it would often work.

I also did things like drug assisted psychotherapy. LSD on the NHS. Not available legitimately these days.

Hope this is of some use to you.

[craig84]

yeah I gotta be honest, I feel if I had that support, or that one person that said and meant theyd love care and support me id be in a lot better place by now. at least content. had that and she abandoned me.

I think just understanding depression in itself is difficult so for you to have the understanding, and someone who also understands and supports you is so amazing!

i do manage somehow to keep my head above water, there is a fight in me to be better and i reckon that's something we all have, a little hero somewhere. theres only so much i can do on my own though, i need the little pick me ups that come from having a good support network.

ive spent so long reading and trying to understand psychology i am really self aware which helps and i will read into your links i have a kind of obsession with psychology these days, mainly because i don't feel i am getting the right help so try reading as much as i can to "fix" myself. lol i know it doesn't work like that it takes different things and factors working together to help with recovery but it helps me cope at least.

its strange how from what ive read im great at giving advice to people and helping others its just myself i cant seem to help.

thanks for your input i'll more than likely comment again once ive read into it but thanks again 

[SteveW]

I'm sure you're right about a supportive partner. My partner died 5 years ago and I'm in the first depression I have ever had to deal with without her help. I am with someone else but she just doesn't have the natural talent that my old partner Kathy did. So I remain depressed after 5 years. This is not how it used to be. I wish you luck in finding someone, I'm sure you will.

Knowledge of depression can be fixed. Deidre, my current partner, embarked on reading the academic books on depression that litter my bookshelves. She has become quite sophisticated in her knowledge.

I'm sure you're right about learning about psychological theory. You need to be able to judge the quality of your therapist. There are a couple I know who I wouldn't allow to treat a cut finger.

I hope things go well with the job

[craig84]

so sorry for your loss Kathy sounded like an amazing woman ! it must be hard not having her support now but at least you have someone. im sure ill find someone its not so much finding someone I find difficult its that someone understanding and accepting the problems I have with depression. its not an attractive selling point when your trying to woo someone lol

does the sophistication of Deidre's knowledge help at all ? can I ask what you do/did for a career?
I have had a couple of shocking therapists in my past I don't know why they got into that field because they were just wrong for the job, maybe not in their knowledge but in their personalities definitely!! 

thanks for the good wishes with the job, they haven't called back which im pretty grateful for at the minute. ive just come back on AD's and have a checkup with the doc in about a week or so which will be 3 weeks on these ones... I don't feel different

hope you find a way through this bout!

[SteveW]

I was very lucky to have found Kathy and to have had 30 years with her. I was completely honest about suffering from depression, but I didn't really need to. She had figured it out for herself anyway.

Deidre's program of depression education does pay dividends. At first she didn't even realize what symptoms I was likely to show. But most useful has been her involvement in studying treatment methods. With something like CBT it is a bit of a myth that you need a therapist. Another competent adult who is prepared to master the relatively simple theory can be just as good. I now have my own resident CBT therapist. She is currently working on strictly behavioural methods and I'm sure will master them.

I had several professions. I started off teaching emotionally disturbed children. I did that in various contexts. Then I moved over into Child Protection Social Work and was the manager of the team. After 12 years of that I needed a change so I qualified as a psychotherapist. I spent the rest of my time as a therapist in private practice. I did take 3 years out so I could do a couple of research degrees. I also used to teach A levels at our FE college, Psychology, Sociology,and Philosophy. That was more a hobby.

Therapy has its share of good and bad like any job. I have met a few therapist and been amazed that they managed to qualify. There are a couple in my home town who I wouldn't let near a patient.

[craig84]

excuse the delay.

you were lucky to have experienced that with Kathy, that love and support is what we all crave.
I think with my past relationships which failed I didn't even know I suffered depression and with my most recent ex she knew I had suffered with it but she met me when I was high and wouldn't stick with me through the lows.

I do crave that support more than anything, not sure if we all do.

you have the same with Deirdre too it seems so you've struck it lucky twice :)

its interesting and nice to know there is someone like you here to be able to put your perspective across. There are times I feel like the therapists I have seen are in it for the paycheck or the interest in doing there job has diminished somewhat so you don't feel like they really care about helping you.

I think I may have bipolar with how frequent and manic my highs and lows can be but im not sure what to do about it... I think I was only diagnosed with depression because I ended up in hospital from a suicide attempt, id love to have someone put enough time into me to be able to give me a proper diagnosis.

hope your all well!