I'm not sure you understood my meaning there, maybe I worded it wrong. I actually want this guy out of my life for what he did. He never did a thing for me my whole life.
I think my problem goes deeper than that, though. I find that I don't like the majority of people I know. What makes me worry is how hypocritical I am. I dislike people just for being ugly or fat. Why do I do that uncontrollably? I've been there. So why do I feel this animosity towards these people? I'm not sure whether it's that they're ugly or fat that makes me dislike them, maybe it's that the people I tend to dislike are, in my opinion, stupid. I don't want to be shallow, so why am I? I think intelligence is the big thing for me, someone can be huge, or unattractive, but if they're clever, I'm fine with them. It even goes down to the guys I do a weekly podcast with. They just annoy me, they're dumb as rocks, but also overweight and kinda gross. Why do I think this way? I hate it. I think maybe they wind me up in other ways, and I just presume it's because of how they look because that's my default, it's the biggest criticism I have of myself, so surely I'm likely to project that onto other people? I think they wind me up by acting like this podcast is something serious when we get 50 listeners a week if we're lucky, yet if I have to Skype in one week because I can't make it over, they get all serious and say things like "well we really need you here in person" and "I wonder how committed you are to this". I just want to say I'm doing this for free, I'm taking time out of my life to do this. We're not getting any downloads in real terms. This ISN'T serious business, why are you making it out to be something it's not??? I swear these people have the kind of expectations that if they do something, people owe it to them to respond positively to it. Like one of them is frankly a terrible musician, but he constantly publically bitches at people for not listening to his music. That's not the way you win people over, in fact, that's how you drive them away. It's like he thinks people owe him something.
Why am I so shallow after all I've been through?? It seems like my default feeling is to dislike people and hold them in contempt. Maybe it's a trust issue, I don't know. Maybe I learned to be this way by being mistreated by fake friends who leeched off me as a kid?
This is going to be a doozy to work through, I think.
