Feel so low this week

[gemgem88_]

Ive suffered with depression for 3 years now but I think this week has been the worst week of my life, Monday I was feeling suicidal and decided I couldn't take anymore. However I couldn't do it to my 2 girls one is 16 months and the other is 3 but it scares me to think if they weren't here I would have probably gone through with it. I just want it to stop the blackness and and the feeling that im never going to feel better is killing me.

Im on 20mg of citalopram I stupidly stopped taking them a few weeks ago whilst I was at 40mg because i couldn't afford the prescription and when i went back in to see my gp she said i had to start on a low dose again but it's not helping at all and she wants me to stay at this dose for 8 weeks before she will up it again. 8 weeks of feeling like this is scaring me to death.

My partner is being great doing the housework before he goes to work so i can just focus on taking care of the kids and not get overwhelmed but i feel so guilty for this as this is certainly not what he signed up for all those years ago. My gp wont send me for counselling until i can identify why im depressed but i don't know but i do feel as though talking to someone would help that's why im here. I have a lot of feelings of guilt from things ive done in the past that have started going round and round in my head and wont go away i wake at 2:10am every night and my head wont switch off. I just want to be me again i was so full of life loved dressing up and meeting friends now i can barely be bothered to shower once a week and i couldn't tell you the last time i brushed my hair. My sex drive is at zero too. I need to get better but i don't know where to turn/start   ??? sorry for the long post!

[Pip]

 sign0016 gemgem88.

You're certainly been through the mill.  It's a bit daft that your GP wont sort out counselling until you know why you are depressed.  I have suffered with depression since my teens but I didn't know why for many years plus I was in denial that I was.  It was post being diagnosed with depression and seeing a counsellor that I understood the root course of my depression.  I thought I was depressed because of events in my life when I was 19.

Is it possible that post natal depression could be part of the problem?

It's not such a daft suggestion as my husband and i were talking to a gentleman on a train with his daughter a few years ago.  He was telling us about his wife who was still suffering with post natal depression 2 1/2 years on from having their daughter and was still hospital although she was getting better.

We're friendly here on the forums so you will get support and understanding.

[gemgem88_]

Ive mentioned counselling to her a few times now as I really do think it would help but like I said until I tell her why im depressed she wont offer me any. I have recently been thinking it could have started as postnatal depression as I did start getting down about then but its just spiralled since and im a hell of a lot worse than I was back then. Its hard enough for me to explain it to myself without her asking me everytime I go in what caused it ect its bad enough just getting there! Im glad I found this forum though you all seem very nice.

[stewart]

hI gengem, welcome to the forume, it is unfortunate some docs can be of little use in the understanding of depresion, any chance you could change your doc?

[gemgem88_]

I suppose I could try, its a shame though she's great with everything else we've ever been to her for. I wish she could see how desperate I really am im willing to try anything. Ive even just been looking at aromatherapy recipes to relive depression as anything must be worth a try! I wonder if anyone has ever felt better using oils? Need to get rid of this feeling that my life is over at the grand age of 24.

[Pip]

It's worth you mentioning to your GP that you went through post natal depression and that is the only reason that you can think off for your mood being low now.

[stewart]

aroma therapy might work to some degree, particular sounds sights and smells can stimulate feelings to some degree

[SteveW]

I am sorry you are having problems getting a GP referral for counselling. Expecting you to state why you are depressed first is just plain daft. For a start a lot of people who experience clinical depression don't actually have a reason. They just get hit by a biochemical storm. People who do have specific reasons tend to discover these through counselling. If they really understood underlying reasons at the beginning they would be well on the way to sorting things out for themselves without counselling.

Changing GP's is drastic and the issues aren't always simple. My GP is not good on psychiatry but he is fantastic on Asthma and Epilepsy, which I also suffer from. Is yours a single handed GP or are there others in the practice ? If there are you could try seeing one of them, you might have better luck. There are two GP's in my practice and the other one is very good on psychiatry. But she isn't good on Asthma and Epilepsy so I can't really use her all the time. Now I see one of them for Asthma and the other for psychiatry.

There are ways of getting to counselling other than by GP referral but you shouldn't have to resort to them. It is difficult to be assertive with a GP when you are depressed but if you keep pushing you are likely to get your referral eventually. My non psychiatric GP tends to refer me for things to get rid of me, but I get my referral so that's fine by me.

[gemgem88_]

Thankyou for your advice, there are two other doctors at the practice so I could give one of those a go do you think its worth making an appointment with one of those before I have to go back in to see my gp to go in to be checked or shall I wait the 8 weeks then go to a different doc? I feel bad again today not helped by the mothers in laws 'help' telling me theres people worse off than me and I should be grateful for what I have ect ect god im so sick of hearing that!

[stewart]

why wait all that time? make an appointment today to see one of the other docs, in those 8 weeks you could be on different meds and your body has adjusted to them

[SteveW]

8 weeks is quite a long time to wait to give an anti-depressant dose a fair trial. I always used to give a particular dose 3-4 weeks before I decided whether it was working or not. A psychiatrist I saw used to work on the basis of two weeks. Sometimes things do take longer to kick in than that but I would say that is the exception rather than the rule. The manufacturer of Citalopram says that an improvement shouldn't be expected for at least 2 weeks but they don't make any reference to 8 weeks.

As to a counselling referral I wouldn't personally feel inclined to wait 8 weeks. Most doctors are perfectly fine about a patient seeking a second opinion. There is pretty much always a waiting list for counselling so the sooner you get yourself on the list the better. I am pretty sure that the National Institute for Clinical Excellence Guidelines for the Treatment of Depression are relevant to you. Recommendation 8.11.3.2 says.

"For people with moderate or severe depression, provide a combination of antidepressant medication and a high-intensity psychological intervention (CBT or IPT)"

Your GP isn't really following NICE guidelines, maybe another GP in the practice would. The recommendation is for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy rather than generic counselling but it wouldn't hurt you to start there.

Love

Steve

[Pip]

I had a mother like your mother in law and her favourite line when I was younger was, "Pull yourself together there are people far worse off than you."

Comments like your mother in law's and my mother's don't help at all.   

[stewart]

i think the 'pull yourself together' 'get over it' and suck it up' are common things for people who have never experianced depression to say,

[gemgem88_]

Well when I first went on citalopram 6 months ago she would ask me to come in on a monthly basis to see how im feeling every time I went in and said I didn't feel better she put my dose up until I got to 40mg, then a month later when I went in and said I was feeling slightly better she decided to drop my dose to 30mg. A fortnight on 30mg I started going downhill again so when I went back in after the month was up I told her this and she said it was very strange for someone to yo-yo and need to go back up again so she asked me to stick at 30mg. So I just stopped taking them (bad idea I know believe me I learnt my lesson there!) so when I went back with my tail between my legs she refused to put me straight back on the higher dose and started me at 20mg and she told me to give it 8 weeks before I went back in! She had never done it like that before so I was a bit confused but me been me didn't say anything. I don't know if I was to go back into her before then if she would do anything or just tell me to wait and make me feel like I was wasting her time like she has done in the past! I will ring 1st thing in the morning and get an appointment with her and if she still is been unhelpful I think I will just move to a different practice altogether as there are few near me.
Ive heard the pull yourself together line more times than iv heard any words of support its so frustrating!

[mamalou]

The price of prescriptions can be crippling. We struggle financially because I am too ill to work. However I did get a prepaid prescription card which I pay around £10 per month by direct debit and then I can have as many prescriptions as necessary without having to find the cash each time. I am only allowed my meds once a week because I am at risk of overdosing so it would cost nearly £50 a week without the card.

Hope your gp is understanding. 

Best wishes. X