How are you feeling?

[ParsnipPierre]

Hey folks,
What a terrifically crap day today was, I am left wondering what the actual point of getting up in a morning is.  No one understands me or how difficult existing is.  Well I tell a fib there is one person but unfortunately I can't spend all day with her everyday as she has a family.  She is the only person to read my "book" where everything I feel is wrote down, I'd end up sectioned if others read it.  I am stuck in a job I hate, doing a course that will take at least 18 months so I am stuck with it.  I've even considered crashing my car to get me a few months off work, getting hammered on my lunch hour to buy myself a few weeks despite then facing a disciplinary, running away; the list goes on even to suicide plans.  However, the one thing that cuts straight through these plans is my parents.  If only they weren't around the decision could be made in a minute but as it stands I'm trapped in a life that is pointless and with no hope.  The straw will break the camels back soon and I guess I am gonna have to face the repercussions of it all, just to have felt the escape.  I feel like drinking myself to oblivion but I have to go pick someone up so I can't even black out.  I got chased up from my course provider about missing more deadlines today, which just left me in tears.  If living is too hard then how on Earth can I bring myself to do my course?I go on holiday in a couple of weeks and after that I cannot even think of Christmas or 2014, as not even September exists at the moment!  I feel I am slowly creeping towards the "desperate times call for desperate measures" prophecy.
How is everyone else doing?
PP
  

[Pip]

In one word ..... tired!

Catherine, I understand how you're feeling.  I have grown used to having suicidal thoughts every day, that makes me sad.  For many years I have had suicidal thoughts during bad bouts of depression, since the beginning of March it has been daily.  Lack of sleep doesn't help either which I'm inclined to believe is due to the heat.  I take 40 mg - 50 mg of Amitriptyline at night.  When it helps I feel better in myself when I wake but when it doesn't I tend to be grumpy.  It isn't great getting a second hit early afternoon either.

PierrePierre, is there no chance of yous searching for other work?

Being in a job you don't enjoy won't help with how you are feeling.

[ParsnipPierre]

My friend takes Amitriptyline and citalopram and she has found the addition of citalopram has improved things a lot for her, so perhaps it's worth mentioning to the doc.
I could search for other work but the problem is i am only a pharmacy dispenser and hospital pharmacy, which is the route i wanna go down only accepts technicians.  I could totally change career path but that would mean paying back my course fees to the company which would equal nearly £1000, which would hinder saving money to try and get a place of my own.  If only I could get it done and move on and make a fresh start, I know it would make an improvement to how I feel.  They chase me for missing deadlines all the time and my boss never asks how am getting on with it or if I need any help.  I'd rather be in debt than do this course cos at least I could borrow money but as it stands I can't borrow time. 
How are you recently Pip?Has the whole missing money problems eased or is there still an atmosphere and accusations still about?
PP

[ParsnipPierre]

Had a slightly better day today managed a bit of reading for the first time in a fortnighr and even went to the gym.Hope this continues
PP  :smile: how is everyone else?

[Pip]

I've had a few bad days but I think it may just be down to the weather, hay fever and the meds I'm on.  Sunday I had a bad case of the shakes for several hours.

[ParsnipPierre]

Hey,
I seem to be doing ok at the moment.I'm far from happy and still hate my life but my 45mg mirtazapine is kicking in.I just needed something to get me through the day and *touch wood* it appears to be and is taking the edge off things.Sorry to hear about your hayfever,I'm lucky i've never suffered with it.The shakes sound pretty bad "/ what meds are you on if you don't mind me asking?I work in a pharmacy so could look into it for you to see if it is related to your meds.
PP

[Chocobo]

I have had some pretty awful past few days, i had a 24 hour sickness bug on top, but today i feel so good im doing the housework! ^_^ Still feel a bit poo but im pushing it back and being proactive!

[craig84]

I feel like im getting used to my meds now, its my third week of taking them and the side affects aren't as bad as they were.

the suicidal thoughts aren't really there at the minute but I know from experience it can take the smallest of knockbacks to set them off again. . . .like if things really get that bad id just end it... those thoughts are always there unfortunately but today I received a letter through the post from the hospital saying that I should receive a letter through the post about my first (this time round) therapy session. found it a bit funny they sent me a letter to say there sending me a letter but seeing that when your in our shoues is a bit of a lifeline. like they are letting me know they are doing something to try and help, its nice to know.

I have jobcentre today and the last time I was in their my advisor seemed to understand my struggles with depression which was nice to see rather than having the feeling someone is rolling their eyes thinking im making it up because im unemployed and blagging being on benefits. im really not!
they are outing me up for a few tests and some training to try and get me a job, no agencies so im hopefull I get this job. its nothing amazing but I really need job security to pay some debts move out and get a car!

I hope everyones feeling better or having a better day than the last!!

[ParsnipPierre]

Hey folks,
My mirtazapine increase is starting to kick in now and I can get through days.  I think I am currently on the tight rope of recovery and any slight thing could knock me off and make me want to end it all again but I go on holiday in a week so hopefully that will add to recovery.  I got to the point of planning it, the day and the method and the place.  I found it helpful to write it all down in my little book and sometimes when I am feeling really low I get the book out and revise the plans.  At the moment I am not at a point where I feel I will act upon it but the thoughts always stick in your mind.  Glad the job centre are understanding you Craig84, after all not having a job can have a real impact but I have always been fortunate to have one.  Good luck with the training and finding work!
How is everyone else feeling?
PP

[Pip]

The shakes sound pretty bad "/ what meds are you on if you don't mind me asking?

Sorry I forgot to answer your question.  I've run out of the ones for hay fever but they weren't helping anyway.  The following is what I'm on;

Amitriptyline 40 / 50mg - depending on how I sleep 
Amlodipine 10mg

Naproxen 250mg - three times a day

Paracetamol 500mg - two tablets four times a day

Ramipril 5mg

Simvastatin 20mg

Tramadol 100mg modified-release tablets - two twice a day

I haven't suffered shakiness since last Sunday so I don't know whether I was run down or what or whether it was the heat getting to me.

This week has been up and down for me but I am feeling a bit better in myself.  Made some people laugh at church as we use the overhead before the service to play music videos then to leave a picture up during the service.  Rick went off to another church in the circuit so It was left to me to set it up.  Normally I dismantle afterwards as we use my laptop so it was a new experience setting up.  It took two of us to find the lead for the sound due to the way it been put to one side.  At one point I was on my hands and knees while juggling my mobile talking to Rick.  We got there in the end

[craig84]

thanks for your wishes pp.... I hope your recovery stays consistent the holiday should help :)

[ParsnipPierre]

Glad the shakes have subsided Pip can't have been pleasant.Have asked my boss at the pharmacy if there was any link but she hasn't got back to me yet.Thanks Craig84 just 5more days at work and hope may become reality!
PP

[ParsnipPierre]

My boss has got back to me and says it is likely to be a combination of the amitriptyline and tramadol because they both act on the central nervous system so beware if it happens again you may need to mention it to your doc.
Night
PP

[Pip]

Thank you and it does make sense.  I knew amitriptyline worked on the nerve endings as I had a discussion with my doctor in regards to depression and it not being so effective when I am depressed for that reason.  Didn't know it was the same with tramadol.  I have taken your advise on board though and I have a good doctor who is easy to talk to 

[craig84]

feeling pretty lost today, lethargic and de-motivated... not sure why ... theres no real reason for it just having a bad day I guess...