Thinking Of Stupidity

[Cazkitten]

Thinking about suicide. I don't know if I mean it or not.

But the thoughts are there.

I should stop thinking about it or do it, one or the other. People are going to get sick of me saying I will. I have, twice now. And now I feel ashamed. Like some of it is attention-seeking.

God I make myself sick sometimes.

Saw GP today who almost brushed it off when I very very reluctantly admitted it and she just utterly brushed me off and said 'think of all the people it would affect', I mean...siiiigh. Yeah like I haven't. That is about the only thing stopping me.

I have some semblance of rationality, I think, enough to not...it's not exactly like I need to be carted off. But I do feel so awful I'm not sure I can go on. And yet, somehow, I do. I seem to be somewhere no-one knows what to do with.

I did clean my flat, so that it wouldn't resemble a Tracy Emin work if I did do something.

I am too scared to though. Isn't that pathetic? If I meant it I would not be.

I should just go to bed right? Oh except I will just wake up to more crap. And wasn't sleeping so got sleeping tablets. But when they are gone I will probably just be back to not sleeping which is so awful I can't face it. I don't know whether to take my sleeping med now or not.

I am soooo tired of this, of going on feeling rubbish and I don't think it's that I don't want to go on at all, just that I am tired.

There are only so many times I can talk myself down. One day I might just not have the energy.

[Taliesin]

HI

I will not give you all that guff like I understand, I don't, I'm not you. But... I've talked to a lot of people planning suicide and there is this calm that settles over them, a 'perfect silence' if you like. They are placid, non argumentative and (in their minds at least) perfectly rational in what they are about to do, they often plan everything to the 'enth' degree and follow it through meticulously. Of course they are not all like this, but I've come across many who were.

Strange now to find myself sometimes on the other side of that argument. There have been times that I have also thought of suicide, not often and thankfully not recently, but there have been times. I guess what I'm getting at here is that if you still find yourself questioning your motives, it's a good thing and shows to me that somewhere inside of you there is hope. I aint religious, but I've talked to enough people near to death to know that when it is time, if it ever is,  you will know and you'll go through with it regardless of what anyone says or does to prevent you.

I hope all this makes sense, I do go on sometimes! Keep the hope alive, one day at a time..

Tal

[junior]

Tal is spot on, I feel very suicidal and had a plan of how to do it, on one knew my feelings other than people on this forum.
I dont hold much hope for myself even with the doctors help now as I feel ready for my life to end.
Your life must be worth more than that, I know it might not seem that way at the minute and I know im not doing what im saying to you but you seem like a really honest caring person.
Hope you are feeling better even if its by a small amount.
Junior

[Cazkitten]

Thank you both for the replies.

Junior, please don't say that. I promise you, you are not ready for your life to end. There must be something worth carrying on for.

No-one's life is worth any more or any less than anyone else's.

God I am such a selfish drain just talking about it, everyone will get sick of me. I don't mean I go on about it, I guess, I have only mentioned it 3 times and one was to my GP, I mean I can't talk about it. I don't want to burden anyone.

[junior]

No one will get sick of you, you didnt make yourself feel this way its an illness you are willing to get help for, this forum is for people to feel free to say how they are feeling and hopefully get help and advise on all forums of depression, it does help to say whats on your mind and for me this forum is my only outlet and I feel a little lighter saying things out loud so to speak.
Hope you are feeling clearer today.
Junior

[Cazkitten]

Thanks Junior.
*Siiiigh* I freaked out and went to walk-in centre yesterday, who made me go to A&E after I said I was suicidal "£$ I was not doing well, but after a spell waiting I calmed down a bit and felt like I was making a huge fuss about nothing. At least (finally) some mental health nurses assessed me. I think all I needed was to feel some kind of help was there, that someone cared. One of the nurses made me tea, and it sounds silly but that was so nice, that someone would do something for me.
I have been referred on to community mental health team, so that is good.

I forgot to get more magic sleeping pills,  "£$ so had to go to walk-in again, they have notes that clearly make me sound like an imminent risk of suicide as the doc was very reluctant to give me any. In the end he relented but only 3 days' supply. *Sigh*. So I will need to see the GP on Monday. I am not looking forward to that conversation.
 
I feel a lot better today. I think the stupid thoughts are gone for now. I don't feel great. Given that I am not only depressed but have stuff in my life going on to make me feel crap, it is unsurprising that I do in fact feel crap. But there's feeling crap, and there's sinking into the black hole - which I'm not any more, I feel as if there is ground beneath my feet.

I hope everyone else feels a bit of relief, too.

[Taliesin]

Hey Caz

Nah, no one will get sick of you, we're all in the same boat here right? I'm SO glad you made that step and you should be proud that you did... and yeah I know about the gp thing, seeing mine again Tuesday as he would only prescribe second dose for a week. Yeah it is awkward, but I do get some comfort knowing that he aint going to just dismiss it...

There's a lot of help out there that people refuse to ask for, at the time it seems so logical (been there done that lol), but I think we have to admit to ourselves sometimes that 'hey I can't do this on my own!!'

Good for you!

Tal

[junior]

Hi cazkitten
Its good to hear you are getting the help you need, there are still good people in the world its just the depression makes you only see the bad ones.
Going to get help shows just how strong you really are and now you know there is help fighting back at the depression should hopefully be a little easier for you.
Junior

[Cazkitten]

Aw thank you both, hope you are both OK.

[bel]

Hi Cazkitten,
Glad you're feeling a bit better. This is a real up and down problem. To go back to your first post, what is wrong with attention seeking? We all need attention so don't beat yourself up about it. It's just sad that we can get so desperate that stupidity seems the only way to get any attention. Still, I really hope you don't have to go back there.
Well done for getting help.
bel

[lampy]

Hiya Cazkitten,

I too am having a bad time at the moment. I don't tell people my problems because sometimes you get labelled as some kind of nutter or something, which none of us are. I have told my wife all about my problems from the beginning of our relationship but nowadays, 10 years on, she just throws alot of it back at me saying that i imagine things with her behaviour. I have recently left my wife because of this and in lots of ways feel much better, even though at the moment i am having a low period again. You are having difficulties which i personally can really relate to, i currently feel like i wish i was dead, don't want to see anyone, not been going to do any work (i am self employed), i haven't told anyone this until now about wanting to be dead, i don't personally tell people because it does seem like you are only saying it to make people feel sorry for us, i hate getting sympathy, so i don't tell anyone, until now that is.
When you are at your lowest, post on here, there are people here that care!!!!!!

Lampy

[junior]

Hi cazkitten, I hope you are feeling a little better today.
Junior

[lampy]

Cazkitten let us know how you are doing!!!


Lampy

[Cazkitten]

*Sigh*

Hi guys, and thank you all again for the replies.

I gave in and took an overdose last Tuesday (a week ago).

I feel...stupid...about it now. I'm glad I saw sense and called 999 which is probably the only reason I am here.

I have got through it, I am doing OK now and know that people around me actually do care, and I'm never going to do that again.

I hope everyone is doing as OK as they can be, and if not, get help now before you get to the point of doing something so stupid.

[junior]

CazKitten im so sorry to hear things were so hard for you, its good to hear you did call for help, I hope you are well now.
Junior