My experience with depression

[Catharine85]

Hello all!

I introduced myself in the 'Welcome' forum a week or so ago and got some lovely and very supportive replies, so I thought I'd pop in here and describe my experiences with depression in a bit more detail.

I would say I started suffering from depression when I was in my early teens. I have always been a rather shy person, and I have a tendency to let people walk all over me. At school I was bullied rather badly, which was one of the most miserable times of my life. When I was about 16 the bullying stopped but my depression carried on. I began self- harming when I was about 16 or 17- a habit which carried on for a good few years. I was placed on Citalopram when I was about 18 which i stayed on until I was about 22. The Citalopram helped but as it evened out my mood I found that it took the enjoyment out of everything I had previously enjoyed. So basically I found that it took away the lows, but also the highs.

Over the last few years I have been off medication for my depression and have continued having periods of depression. I have found counselling very difficult as I have great difficulty talking about my problems face to face. I have days, like today, when I feel happy and content. But my mood can change at the drop of a hat and I will find myself spiraling into a very dark place which I just cannot seem to lift myself from.

A few weeks ago I had a small disagreement with a friend and this just sent me right off the edge, having been perfectly fine before hand. For the first time in about 5 years I self harmed, which was the only thing I could think of to do to make myself feel better or take my mind off it. This, obviously is a habit that I don't want to get back into.

I know that everybody has down days, there isn't one person In the world who doesn't get depressed every now and again. But sometimes I feel very alone and just cant understand why I can't pick myself out of it like other people seem to. Or why I feel down so often and my mood is so changeable.

Anyway, after my last little slip up I decided that joining a forum might be a good idea as it would give me the opportunity to talk in a non-face to face environment with people who have been through similar experiences and may be able to give me some advice with my depression.

As I say today I am feeling fine, but there is always that little black cloud hanging just out of my vision.

Anyway thankyou for reading/listening. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And anyone who has had any similar experiences please feel free to share. Depression can be very lonely and sharing always helps I think.

Much love!
Catharine

[stewart]

Hi Catharine, good idea to chat about things, and as you say you can do it here in the comfort of your own home,
im sure there will be lots of members here who will be happy to share their experiances with you.

[Pip]

I can empathise a bit with what you have been through including shyness but I wasn't bullied.  Self harming started in my teens as well.  I used to be on Citalopram but to be quite honest it did absolutely nothing for me so it was a waste of time taing it.  My doctor told me to wean myself off them but I simply stopped taking it.

It easier to 'talk' in places like this as other members will understand how you feel and will be able to relate.  I think we all times when we feel isolated though.  There shouldn't be a stigma to depression these days but it is still alive and kicking.  It's rotten when anybody tells you to pull yourself together as well.   

[kutuup]

Hi Catharine, The hardest part about depression can be that it's often difficult to vocalise how you feel. I find a very true description of it is in Paul Simon's song (I'm a musician so I make a lot of music references lol) America "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why."

Please feel free to talk to us about anything, we're not here to judge you, we're here to try to help. I'm sorry to hear you've hit a setback, but you've come to the right place for help. The community here has helped me so much, I'm sure they can help you too :)

[Ice Maiden]

I've just joined after reading posts over a few days.  The members here seem to care which is why I joined  0158

[Catharine85]

Thank you for the lovely replies guys, everyone here has made me feel so welcome :)

I defo agree with what you have said about it being important to talk about these things, sometimes it can be hard but knowing there is somewhere to go to talk is very comforting.

Pip-  I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through, it does indeed sound a bit similar to my situation. I also stopped taking the Citalopram rather quickly rather than weaning myself off. I also agree with what you say about the stigma regarding depression, I think it can be very hard for people to understand when they have not been through it themselves.

Kutuup- Thank you for your reply! I have read your thread as well and I am sorry to hear about the problems you have been having. I hope you are feeling ok at the moment. I agree that the hardest part of depression can be vocalising how you feel, often, as you described  perfectly with the song lyric, because you yourself don't know why you are feeling down. It can be very frustrating.

Thankyou all again, you have all been so kind, and  I hope I can also be of help to any of you If you are ever in need it :)

Much love
Catharine

[Michael Frankum]

Hi Catharine,  0158 I have found the forums very helpful because people here understand the problems. They don't judge. Even just getting the poison out is sometimes enough to help. Just an acknowledgement can improve things. Just saying hello can make a real difference. Best wishes. 

[iggyelvis]

Does anyone feel they have to be careful what they say to anyone

[Michael Frankum]

I'm afraid that I'm not as careful as I should be. My tongue works a bit faster than my brain. Generally it's a good idea to be careful about who you choose to trust, and the circumstances. This forum is a safe place to let things out. 

[Pip]

I do.  Since I was 19 I have suffered with trust issues due to my parents so I don't tend to let many people get close to me.  I am careful what I say with a few exceptions.  Every so often when I have 'let people in' some have hurt me badly which has knocked me back to square one.  Fortunately not all have and the ones I have trusted and haven't let me down are appreciated.  Some don't realize how much their words means to me.

[iggyelvis]

I feel that funds tally I can trust no one. I can share my confusion but the absolute truth with no one and it is painful.