still trying to work things out !!

[tharidler]

hi everyone

this week as usual I had my therapy and it amazes me that my therapist is still learning things about me there are several things that although talked about are at the moment still troubling for me and I thought I would ask your opinions on the matter although this does not always happen when we are out at a supermarket or sometimes just in the local town I start by initially feeling as if something is off then I start to get jittery this leads to feeling uncomfortable then panicky then I feel in a strange way isolated and finally full on panic and I need to leave wherever we are. my therapist thinks this is related to my childhood as growing up my parents were rather strict and we were not allowed to display emotion as it was a sign of weakness and often we were told off and one of my mothers favourite saying was an old one children should be seen and not heard now obviously this is a little snapshot of things and not the full picture but my therapist feels this is relevant as she believes it is at the root of this particular issue but this is where I get a little confused as one of my ways of being able to deal with this is by listening to my ipod at volume and then my anxiety is kept to a minimal level i'm confused because she believes that the noise of people and surroundings is what triggers my episode but my music at volume helps me and i'm not sure if something is getting lost in translation between us but I don't get it

thanks for reading and i'm sorry if it's confusing

[Catbrian]

Yes, I was subjected to the "Children should be seen not heard".  I totally understand the struggle to show emotion.  As children, my sister and I were not allowed to show anger, that was seen as cheek.  Now I have issues processing my anger and other people's.  So, I totally understand the issues that arise from this kind of upbringing.  However, what this has to do with having a panic attack in a busy location, I cannot fathom.

To me, what you're experiencing is what many of us face - anxiety in busy places.  Why it happens, I do not know.  for me, it's about paranoia and wanting to be locked away indoors.  There is absolutely none of it that is relating to my very troubled childhood.  It is a product/symptom of my depression.

Is this the same thing you are confused about; relating the childhood with panic attacks in busy areas?

[Michael Frankum]

I too feel safer at home, and I sometimes try to beat my brain into submission by blasting it with very loud music. It stops me focussing on what ever I have been fixating on before. The cycle of worries sometimes feeds on itself for me, and sometimes into a full blown panic attack. Not always. Sometimes I can short circuit this by something as simple as using the old Elastic Band on Wrist technique. A short sharp ping CAN work, but not always by any means. Best wishes.

[tharidler]

thanks for your replies
cat it's strange how things come back to you as I was reading your reply it reminded me of the fact that my mother used to call me cheeky or lippy if I was showing anger and I had forgot that little detail until now and thank you Michael as the idea of trying to blast my brain into submission with music also resonates with me I agree cat that it is anxiety i'm just not sure why also it does not happen all the time I did wonder if it was because as a child I had at times to be quiet and emotionless and the people around me in the supermarket are being noisy and showing emotion and that triggers the fear of getting into trouble for making noise etc ?
that made a bit more sense in my head than reading it back

[Catbrian]

What you say in that last post sounds very feasible.  The thing I find about therapy is that we do a lot of soul searching with stuff like this and every now and then we reach a point of "enlightenment" when we finally match the reason to particular problem.  What never ceases to amaze  me is how, all these years later, we are still dealing with childhood trauma.  I mean, most of these things our parents won't even remember.  I heard a quote once which helped me understand that, "We can forget the things people do and say but never how they make us feel"

[tharidler]

hello again
well I had therapy on Monday and it has taken me a few days to recover I think maybe you have "the gift" cat as I had one of those moments you said about so therapy was good but also terrible at the same time both my therapist and I learnt something and it was one of those moments that everything seemed to stop and the moment of clarity was blinding all the dots joined up and every other cliché you can think of happened in a nano second there was an absolute torrent of emotion and a realisation of a long buried trigger in fact it was so powerful that today is the first time I can think of it without bursting into tears I will divulge at a later date but at the moment I don't want to but I did want to say to everyone out there and especially to anyone new to these problems that the road is often long but try not to give up hope I have many times and came to close to the end but I am still learning and processing things that will help so please try not to give up

[Catbrian]

That's really good to hear and it is exactly the experience I was talking about.  Hope you do okay over the coming days.  After the enlightenment can come a little storm.  At the end of the day, it is a traumatic thing you have, in effect, just experienced all over again.  Often that can hit us hard before we are able to completely rise above it once and for all.