New here, wanted to explain the problems I've been having.

[kutuup]

Hi all,

I'm new here so I'll introduce myself, I'm James, I'm 24 and live in Buckinghamshire.

So I've been having serious issues with depression and anxiety lately, the anxiety is getting better thanks to medication but the depression has stayed about the same, it's almost constant.

I think a lot of the problem is the age I'm at. At 24 I feel like I should be in a proper job and dating at stuff, but I've been unemployed for 6 months and single for a little over 6 years.

I feel like a complete loser.

It seems like every day I look what people I know are up to on Facebook or whatever and nearly every week someone I went to school with announces they're engaged or got married or got an awesome job and I'm still sat here single and jobless. It's like I failed in life. I have a degree in computer science, but I can't find a job that uses it so the best I can get at the moment is retail work, which I don't mind doing since I need the money and some can be fun, but they're not exactly stimulating.

As for relationships, I'm not a terrible looking guy (I think), and I make every effort to be caring and nice, which people comment on all the time, but it never seems to get me anywhere as I've been single since I was 18. It makes me start thinking there's something wrong with me that I don't see. I ask girls out sometimes but I kinda feel a sense of futility in it since I get turned down every time, not rudely turned down, just them saying they're not interested politely. I've never been asked out by a girl either.

In terms of friends, I always seem to attract insecure types, which really doesn't help me as I'm very insecure myself. Most of the people I see on a regular basis start to grate on me often since they're usually (and I know it's not a nice thing to say, but it's how I feel) kinda, I dunno, dim? Eccentric too. And kinda awkward. It's hard to explain what I mean. What it comes down to is I struggle to find stimulating company.

I just feel like my life is going nowhere and I'm a failure. It got worse after a really good friend I made at uni committed suicide out of the blue. He must have been going through some REALLY horrible stuff since I've never considered that extreme a thing, but losing him as a friend really hit me hard.

I guess my problem is I'm unstimulated, painfully lonely and have no self confidence. I've been going to CBT, but it isn't really helping, maybe I should try seeing a different person?

I hope someone can offer some advice.

Many thanks,

James

[Sweetpea]

Hello James and welcome to the forum, depression is awful, it knocks our self esteem. If CBT is not helping have you considered counselling? Also contact your local MIND center they offer many services like counselling and courses etc.

S x x x x

[Pip]

Hi and welcome James

[Catbrian]

Hi James... Welcome to the Forum

Unfortunately, when we're depressed our self-esteem is at an all time low.  We seem to beat ourselves up for the things we see as failures and forget our achievements.

Hopefully, in the future, you will be able to put your degree to good use.  I'm also sure you will eventually meet someone special.

CBT is not for everyone, maybe another form of therapy would suit your needs.  As Shaz suggested, your local MIND organisation might be able to help.  It's good to share our thoughts on the Forum.  I hope you find it helpful.

[kutuup]

Thanks everyone.

I have been feeling like CBT isn't doing it for me, it's just like they ask me what I'm depressed about, I tell them, and they say we'll look at some thing to help which seem to boil down to "if you feel down think about something good." Which doesn't really help. I think what gets me down most is that people can be perfectly well intentioned and say "You'll get a good job someday and meet a girl." But really, honestly, I know deep down that there's every chance I won't get a good job or meet a girl. If it were true that it was a certainty, nobody would die alone, but they do every day.

It almost feels like I'm cursed, I know I've had a lot of luck in life, but that luck just seems to have run out. I think about leaving the country a lot, but where would I go? With the mess the UK is in at the moment I'm constantly hearing people young and old talking about how young people have no future here and I tend to agree. I could go to Ireland as I'm a citizen there, but I hear they're in even more of a mess. My ultimate dream would be to go to Canada where my brother and his wife live and start over there, but it's very hard to be allowed to stay there and ultimately I'd just be running away from my past which wouldn't solve anything. I know this sort of thing is corny, but I the last line of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails comes to mind a lot "If I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself, I would find a way."

In fact that song speaks to me a lot, especially this part: "What have I become my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end, and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt."

I wouldn't recommend anyone feeling down listen to that song as it's very sad and about a time in the writer's life when he was at his lowest. I do find it helps to know that Trent Reznor (who I'm a massive fan of) went through something similar and went on to do well.

As for why that speaks to me, it just sums up how I feel about my relationships with various other people. "What have I become my sweetest friend?" reminds me of a girl I had a long relationship with years ago and was inseparable with, she's married now and I'm jobless and in a rut, very different from what I thought I would be. "Everyone I know goes away in the end" reminds me of how I always seem to make new friends for a short period before they drift away and move on to bigger and better things, including my old school friends, and I'm left behind. "and you could have it all, my empire of dirt" is very apt for me, I feel like my achievements are worth nothing and have never gotten me anywhere and may as well be "dirt". "I will let you down, I will make you hurt" reminds me of my parents, I always feel like I've let them down by not being a success like my brother and sister, still living at home, jobless and single.

I'm a musician so I find music very helpful to listen to and compose as it helps me vocalise my feelings and find ways to word things I can't think how to say.

[stewart]

Hi James, and welcome to the forums.
dont let the fact of your relativly young age weigh you down so much, unfortunatly age is no barrier to depression, it can strike at any time young or old.

music can often be an outlet for people, like a way to focus ones thoughts.

[Catbrian]

Writing or composing are wonderful ways to express and even understand ourselves.

Perhaps you need some talking 1-2-01 therapy to explore where these feelings originate and how you can resolve them

[kutuup]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I started CBT a few months ago and my doctor put me on Venlafaxine a few weeks ago and the past week or so I've responded really well to it. I still have bad days, but overall the depression and anxiety have been greatly improved. There are days when I can feel like the depression is creeping in but crucially I feel like I have a choice in the matter now. If I fight back and think "No, I'm not doing this now." I can fight it off. The anxiety has been more stubborn and there are days where I struggle with it, but I feel like I have more of a reign on it than before. I still carry Diazepam on me as a crutch but I haven't had to use it in at leas 2 weeks. I think something pivotal I've gotten out of the CBT is to talk openly about the things that interest me, I'm into some kinda obscure stuff, things like technology, science, metaphysics and philosophy. I was surprised to find that a lot of people I never expected would care about that stuff will actually take an interest in things like that when you talk to them about it. In fact, my friend's girlfriend had an hour long conversation with me about time travel that I found amazingly stimulating. (I never even knew she thought about that kind of thing), I should add, me, him and her are good friends and they are a superb couple, it wasn't about me worming my way in with her or anything lol

I think the way I need to start thinking (and the way my CBT therapist is teaching me to think) is that my interests and the way I think can be a gift or a curse. It's just a matter of learning to see them as a gift as opposed to a curse, I need to start seeing my quizzical nature and existentialism as a positive trait rather than a waste of time. I'm hopeful that over time I can make some big leaps and learn that the fact that I'm different and ask questions other people don't is an asset rather than a hinderance.

Thanks again to everyone for your kind words, I'll be sure to keep you updated.

[kutuup]

I should clarify that I've been seeing a different CBT therapist lately that seems to be a lot better at pinning down on things I say and making me think a lot more while giving helpful advice. Seems that not all CBT therapists are as good as each other, the guy I've been seeing lately seems to really have a talent for it.

[Grandma]

Hi Kutuup,

Sounds like the treatment is beginning to have an impact; I'm on Vodafone too, and I reckon it took 6-8 weeks before it really helped and I was beginning to despair!

Sometimes you don't get on so well with one counsellor, npt for any reason, it just doesn't gel, glad its going better with the new one though so that's good!

Anyway, you hang on in there,  the best people do have to kiss a lot of toads before finding their prince(ss), the right person will be out there as will the job, but you need to learn to love yourself first! Whilst.you probably won't be thinking it now, you are still very young, you have loads of time, and when all those mates of yours are divorcing, you will be finding your forever love!

Big hugs xxx

[kutuup]

Hi Grandma,

Thanks for the message, I had a pretty rough day today with the anxiety but I find that now I know that a lot of the time I'm anxiety free I can just shrug it off and know that tomorrow will be better. I think what was crucial for me (in the hopes that this will help others) was learning not to surround myself with negative people. I spent years upon years surrounded with people who had a negative outlook and who, frankly, drained me of everything I had in trying to make them feel better. I'm a very caring person but there comes a point where you have to think of yourself and take a real look at yourself. There's caring and wanting to help, and there's giving yourself entirely to people and letting them take everything from you at the expense of your own happiness. You can't spend your entire life trying to help people who help themselves by waiting for you to validate them at your own expense. You absolutely should care about people and listen to them, but when they're taking everything from you and giving nothing back, you have to walk away for your own good. People are there to support you and for you to support them, but some people forget the second step. You're only human, you can't carry the weight of everyone's problems on your back. You have to help the people who listen to your advice and forget the ones who ignore it but still come back for more. When a person needs help, they'll take any advice that will help them and really think about it, when they come back for the 100th time and ask for more advice, they aren't looking for help any more, they're looking for you to fix their problems for them.

People will eat you alive if you let them. The trick is learning to care when people need it, not when they've asked it despite your best efforts and repeated attempts to help them. There's a point when you have to take something back. If they aren't willing to give anything back then it's time to walk away. The people who won't give anything back aren't worth your time. Your help isn't free, you count for something, you can't let people take what they want and offer nothing in return. It will only leave you empty. Offer your help wherever you can, but make sure people are really listening. Be accepting when a person makes mistakes and winds up in a bad place, but recognise when they expect you to fix things that are in nobody's control but their own.

You can only give so much, be sparing with what you give and make sure you give it to the right people when they really need it. The most important part is to give, not be taken from.

[Catbrian]

Jamie... I hope you've had a better day today

[kutuup]

Wow, never been called Jamie before lol

I did have a better day today, thanks Cat :) I've found it helps a lot to have a positive outlook and listen to positive music. I think I needed to learn that even though every day isn't perfect, the good days do exist and those are the ones you should focus on. As for the anxiety, I read a very good article about how to change your thinking and I've been using one of the quotes they presented as a kind of mantra, it's from one of my favourite movies too, The Shawshank Redemption. It's: "Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free." I've let my fear and depression hold me prisoner for so long, it's time I fought back. Fear and depression are brutal and cruel and can make you feel helpless, but you can fight back in time. I found this song/speech very helpful too, I hope it helps others.

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen

I found that it put a lot of things in perspective.

Much love everyone.

[Catbrian]

Sorry, JAMES, I misread the name on your first post

I've just listened to the above clip and thought it was excellent.  Being more than double your age, I can say, hand on heart, it is all so very true.  I think it's good to try staying positive.  Remembering mantras also help me.  Pleased you had a better day yesterday.  Hope today's going okay

[kutuup]

Sorry, JAMES, I misread the name on your first post

I've just listened to the above clip and thought it was excellent.  Being more than double your age, I can say, hand on heart, it is all so very true.  I think it's good to try staying positive.  Remembering mantras also help me.  Pleased you had a better day yesterday.  Hope today's going okay

Haha it's OK, I get people's names wrong all the time, and Jamie is a contraction of James (even though they have the same number of letter oddly lol)

I did have a good few days, the anxiety has been back the last couple of days but I do find I'm much more able to fight back which is a big plus :) I just try to picture anxiety and depression as bullies who come and go and pick on you if you let them, sometimes the fight is hard and you wind up with a black eye, but over time you learn that you CAN fight back and when you do it's a surprising feeling when you realise that you are stronger than you think.

Like another quote I repeat to myself says "What do you do when your enemy is one inch away from you? Do you curl up and cower? Or do you put your fist through them?" That's from Kill Bill of all places lol I'm a Tarantino junkie I guess

I think a lot of my problem is spending a large part of my childhood around people who treated me as some kind of sidekick or punching bag to make themselves feel better when I should have been around people who treated me as an equal, I've found as I've grown up that those people do exist, but at times I'm too kind to be selective and only give my care and attention to the people who treat me as an equal instead of a means to an end.

I have a lot of memories that when I look back on them as an adult I realise I was being made fun of and treated like a joke, and it's only now that I realise that fact, and frankly, I'm angry that those people did that to me and treated me that way. There are some that I have met in later life who have been thoroughly ashamed of what they did to me, and I'm happy to forgive them and give them another chance, who didn't make mistakes as a child after all? The problem is that I give too much time to the ones who have never apologised or realised what they did to me, like I should forgive them without them acknowledging that they treated me like crap. I'm more than happy to forgive people who regret how they treated me if they ask for it, but nowadays I'm just realising that, when it comes to the ones who never apologised, THEY should feel bad, not me, and when they claim to be friends, they are lying. They aren't a real friend, they're people who EXPECT forgiveness, not ASK for it, and they are people I don't need.

I guess I'm lucky that I have two great parents who always look out for me, and even though sometimes they can be a little over protective which can cause some friction, I know that as long as they can (thankfully they're still relatively young, in their early 50s), they'll keep looking out for me. I also have a sister who I fight with all the time but I know she just gets frustrated sometimes because she wants me to be happy and sometimes I don't always make it easy for her to help. I have a brother too who is off being Canadian with his lovely wife who I don't get to see too often, but whenever I do, he and his wife (my sister in law) always have my back and help in any way they can.