Scared

[FreyaD]

Hey,

I need to tell someone this so it's not a massive secret but I can't tell anyone I know so I'm turning to you guys

Long story cut short, I had a horrific change over of meds from the middle of January to about the end of Feb and then beginning of March I was starting to feel better and 'normal' again. I had a brilliant couple of weeks and then the last week I've kind of gone downhill again but just had a massive drop the last few days. Last night I came so close to taking an OD and it scared me.

I have thought about suicide for probably 90% of the days for the last couple of years but atm it's not something I would try as when/ if I do try that will be it, final.

Last night I scared myself and now I don't know what I want or how I will react to things like this in the future  ???

Hope you're all doing ok xx

[musicken]

Hi Freya

I'm not very good at offering any practical advice.  But the fact that you've posted here says to me that you want to get through this.   It might be helpful to keep a mood journal, or simply to vent about what's on your mind.   
I've often found posts here reassuring simply because I know I'm not the only one with these thoughts and fears.
I dare say others with a better way with words will be along shortly to suggest ways of coping, or things that I can't quite express.

But we all understand the feelings. 

[DoorsClosingSlowly]

I'm probably the last person to offer advice at the moment, because suicide is on my mind 90% of the time too, along with running away.

To me, the thought of having a brilliant couple of weeks is completely incomprehensible, so it's positive that you are capable of it. Do you think the drastic change in meds was the cause of this drop in your mood?

Like me, it's sounds like you don't want to be alive but don't necessarily want to die either - Correct me if I'm wrong. Does the future excite you or terrify you?

What meds are you on? If you don't mind saying, that is.

Tony

[FreyaD]

You have pretty much hit the nail on the head- I don't want to be alive, but I couldn't bear the thought of the devastation that I would leave behind if I die and I know that somewhere out there, there is a bit of happiness that I want to get hold of, but can't quite grasp it

Before I got ill I used to be excited about the future and couldn't wait to work etc. Now I don't really see a future- I 'enjoy' work but I don't see the future how I used to. It scares me that I will have to live my life this way and I really don't want to do that and don't think I could cope with that, I want to be better but doesn't everyone!

I'm on escitalopram now, was on mirtazapine for a year or so before that. I think partly it's the lack of sleep I'm getting due to the meds, but the docs won't prescribe me sleeping tablets because he doesn't want me to get dependent on them.

As for the massive mood drop, I have no idea why it happens, just one day someone starts dimming my light until it gets turned off completely which is where I am now, I can feel it starting but there's nothing I can do to stop it 

[Pip]

I have lost count of the times I have wished I could just go to sleep and not wake up again.  For me it is simply a case of being tired of life in general, being tired of fighting depression, the periods of being happy are shorter.  I think of suicide quite a bit but wont act on it ... maybe it's just being a bit cowardly  ... so I struggle on day by day

[DoorsClosingSlowly]

I can relate a lot to what you have said. I just want to feel some passion again, something to want to get out of bed for; but I really don't know what.

I was sectioned at the end of January, because I completely broke down. Up until I was sectioned I worked full-time; work was a distraction, I do 'enjoy' to work too, but it always seems to become an obsession to be good at my job, more than a will to want to be good at it. I was discharged from the psychiatric ward a few weeks ago now and I am still off work. I am dreading having to go back to the trivialities of work; I have fallen out of life and don't care about anything. Like you, I yearn to grasp that one thing that will give me an ounce of happiness; but I know in my current mentality I won't find it.

I was tried on Mirtazipine, as sleep is a big issue for me; it has a sedative agent and it completely knocked me out and I couldn't function in the day, so I came off it. I haven't heard of escitalopram. I personally hate all of these meds, I don't think meds are the answer for me as they don't seem to do anything. I'm on 200mg of Sertraline and 300mg of Quetiepine a day. I have just started to be prescribed sleeping tablets (Zopiclone 7.5mg), but the trouble is as soon as they get into your system they stop working, so you can't take them every night anyway.

I feel for you, and I hope your current drop in mood isn't too torturous. I know how agonizing it can be. If you want to vent to me any more, please feel free.

[stewart]

Hi FreyaD, you are in a good place here to share your thoughts and have input from many people who are experiancing the same or similar issues as you.

changing meds can help for some people or indeed a combination of 2 or 3 meds over the day, best bet is to talk to your doc when you see him / her next, if you can write down your thoughts / feelings and let the doc have a read.

i hope things selle down for you soon,

[Catbrian]

The despair of our depression brings us to thoughts of suicide.  I often think of suicide, it's not that I necessarily want too, but I do want the depressive side to me to be dead.

About 6-7 months ago, I had a change of meds.  I thought I was losing my mind, it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  The first three months I seen a little improvement and then my mood plummeted lower than ever before.  The last 6 - 8 weeks things have steadily improved, much better than they have been in many years.

[Sweetpea]

So feel for you, depression brings us down so she can never see a future. The great thing about the forum is that we understand. I always felt I was the only person suffering. Big  for you.

S x x x x

[niz]

I feel like what you all seem to be talking about,I have made a complete ass of myself this weekend as i drank way too much then decided to use a social network site to talk to people which went pear shaped.I often think about not being here anymore but i have people that rely on me and that i love,suicide is so final and yes deppression is powerfull but once you take the suicide way all your decisions and choices are gone,everthing u see,smell and touch will have gone,friends,family past and present,memories all gone.Living with depression surely must be better than nothing.I may learn to eat these words as my fight goes on but for now its my advice.

[FreyaD]

I think me living with depression is better for the people around me, but atm I'd rather not live at all. I know things will get better but when and how long for?!

If my life is going to be like this, so full of downs and bits of up then what's the point? I've always said I would never work at a job I don't enjoy, which, luckily, so far I have been able to keep true, so is that not the same as living a life I don't enjoy?

[Catbrian]

But life can change, it has done for people in the past.  I read a book recently, the author says depression never goes away, it only goes into remission.  I think, for many of us, we need to learn to live with the depression and look for ways to cope. That doesn't come overnight but with experience.  Whenever I think seriously about suicide, at the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if I have really done enough to help myself and/or improve my situation.

[Zaf]

I agree with Cat, I've suffered from depression for almost 30 years but it is possible to live a good life although sometimes its necessary to move your goalposts

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

I have suffered depression for 10 years but probably longer, just didn't realize.  There have been times when I just did not want to be here, but with time I have come to accept my depression, and I do have good times and I cope with the bad days by knowing I will vet over them.

S x x x x

[Pip]

I've suffered with depression since my early teens and have found there is a pattern to it that I am at my lowest point every 5 - 7 years.  It remains bad for about a year then I seem to pull out of it except for the last time.  I hit rock bottom again in December 2011 and am still struggling to pull myself out of the severe depression that has gripped me.