I'm finding hard to want to stay alive.

[DoorsClosingSlowly]

I don't know why I am writing on here; I suppose it's an opportunity to vent and feel as though I'm not alone.

I'm a 28 year old male and I am a complete nihilist. I've suffered from depression since I was a teenager but in the last 2 years it's hit me hard. I was recently sectioned as I was deemed a danger to myself. I spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric ward (where I felt absolutely numb). I feel absolutely nothing except anxiety and anger. I have lost any passion I ever had and I am void of any kind of feeling.

I am currently signed off work. I hate Society, consumerism, I-Phones (I could go on, but there's too much). I am just one big ball of hate. I do not see the point in going back into the trivialities of work; I do not see the point in anything. I try to sleep all day and take codeine and smoke tobacco to get me through the night.

I keep obsessing about running away; disappearing and never coming back. Other than that I sometimes fantasize about killing myself. But the guilt of hurting my family keeps me in this agonizing inert state. I am on medication (Sertraline 200mg and Qeutiepine 300mg), but they seem to do nothing. I know that meds aren't the answer; whatever meds I was on I would probably feel the same. I have fallen out of life and it has left me behind.

When I feel very anxious I cut myself with a scalpel and put out cigarettes on my arm. I feel like my situation is completely hopeless and that something bad is going to happen in the coming months.

I know that there is nothing anyone can say to make me feel better, it would just be nice to know I am not alone so I don't feel as alienated.

Tony

[Sweetpea]

Hello Tony, you are not alone here we all understand here. Please feel free to write how you feel here.  We will support you as best we can.

Take care

S x x x x

[Metaxa]

Hello Tony,

 Hope just having this forum to vent on etc helps you even if just a little. I know it's helped me.

Take care,
 Jamie

[musicken]

Hi Tony,
Welcome.

A lot of what you've written resonates strongly with me too; the hating of consumerism etc - although for me it's more of a self-imposed alienation from society.  for example, if I was living on my own I'd not have a TV.  I never watch it anyway, though the wife and kids seem glued to it half the time.
I often fantasise about running away too.  Some remote location where I can find some peace with few distractions.
So far I've avoided being signed off work. It gives me an escape from home life, if nothing else.  But if I did get signed off, I'd likely feel much the same way as you do.  After 15 months on the dole, I don't want to lose the momentum I have.

How long have you been off work?

[captainkeefy]

Hi Tony,

Sounds like your going though a tough time of it at the moment. Sounds like you have your 'danger radar' on quite a lot there pal. Have you spoken to a mental health profession about this? I guess you spend a lot of time scanning people's voice and body language for criticism? 

You are not alone while you are here. Keep posting, it helps!

[DoorsClosingSlowly]

Hi Musicken,

I've been off work since the end of January this year; that is when I was sectioned. Work was my final life-line, I was dragging myself there everyday, until one day I just couldn't muster the will to get up in the morning. I stayed in bed all day and felt overwhelming anxiety at the thought of tomorrow. The next morning I went into the kitchen, got a knife and cut myself several times on my right thigh. I then went out for a walk and I felt like killing myself, so I rang the Crisis Team that I had been seeing and they told me to come to them. Later that night I was sectioned.

I'm out now, but I'm in hell. It sounds like you need to stay at work if you can; that was the only main distraction I had until I completely broke down. Just one thing to wake up for; one thing that would awaken some passion inside.

Thanks for your reply Musicken; it's consoling to know I am not alone. I don't have a wife and kids; does it feel like you are trapped or are they a distraction too?

Tony

[Pip]

Hi Tony, you will get support here 

[Catbrian]

Hi Tony... it is not easy to feel so out of synch with life.  I hope you find the Forum supportive.  Welcome!

[Zaf]

Hi Tony, have you tried any type of counselling?

Z

[stewart]

Hi Tony, it is indeed a bad way to feel, here you can share your thought and know there are others out there (here) who will understand you, and possibly be able to offer you helpfull advice

[Grandma]

Hi DCS, Tony, and everyone else,

I'm new here too (though not to depression), and probably in a similar place to you. I stopped working just before Xmas (I did go in for one half day in January but didn't last the day).

To be honest for me losing my job is a relief, it had got to the point where I was feeling suicidal on the way in, and had even started fantasising about taking my hands off the steering wheel, shutting my eyes and pushing foot down. The only thing that stopped me was the stronger sense of responsibility to others, I could harm them.

I have no idea why I felt that way about work, people were kind, very supportive despite it becoming increasingly obvious to all that I was struggling.

Not long after that, I discovered that I had had a number of strokes (which explains the memory loss, speech and cognitive problems that I was experiencing).

I am trying to take each day as it comes, I try not to look forward (in my case the future is not bright, it's horrific), some days are so full of suicidal thoughts that I work to a 30 minute rule. I make a deal with myself to do nothing to hurt myself for 30 minutes, I give myself a simple task (make a cuppa, wash cup and go to loo etc.), and then make a new deal 30 minutes later.

I also keep a journal, and have a very poor attempt at some craft on the go to distract me. If all else fails I'm afraid I resort to over medicating so I go to sleep for a bit!

For the good days I have some really basic, easy targets; get dressed, open curtains, and on a really good day walk around the park (we happen to live in the grounds of a stately home).

Without my husband, I really don't think there would be much reason to live, he is a pretty amazing person, and I love him dearly. My children are all grown up now.

Big hugs xxx