Acceptance is still a big problem

[mar42]

Hey,I hope all are having decent days. I was lying on my sofa this morning,watching frasier as i usually do & debating whether to make the effort to shave & go out,but i decided against it. Then i start to feel guilty about not working & not having much structure to my days then i start to worry that Im not seeing my niece 3 & nephew 2 enough & i should make the effort & even though i have fun with them both,after being a horse,talking like micky mouse,buz lightyear & woody,for a couple of hours i feel exhausted. Then i get the same old thoughts "i haven't got depression" 150mg of sertraline would disagree,OH NO!!! to easy to blame depression,Im causing this all myself,for being a lazy,selfish,narcissist. To sensitive to everything,not a REAL man,hunter gatherer? more like a c..ter worrier!!! what annoys me is i have been doing this for 10 years & although it's not every single day,you would think i would understand it a bit better & be more sympathetic to myself. Thanks for letting me rant 

[Sweetpea]

Rant away I think it helps to write it down.

S x x x x

[mar42]

Cheers shaz,how are you doing?

[Metaxa]

Personally I usually end up watching Two and a half Men and Friends lol. But know what you mean. I've only been on here a few days now but am finding it good to be able to talk/vent/ramble on when there's no one else to.

[Catbrian]

As I rule, I don't put daytime telly on.  Background radio's on constantly  I prefer to get things done in the daytime, come online early evening and watch a bit of telly later at night.  It saves getting bored with too much of one thing.

Mar... I hope things start to pick up for you.  Isn't it a real bummer, when depressed, we tend to beat ourselves up for all the things not done and forget all the things we did achieve.

[mar42]

Thanks catb, how are you? you are bang on,i totally forget all the positive stuff i do through the day & what i have achieved over the years with depression. I just wished i recognised depression a bit easier,it's so subtle catb,it catches me out all the time & i fall into the same old loop of attacking myself,thankfully not physically & become my own monkey on the back. I start thinking in extremes,thinking of suicide,when i should know by now that it does pass & i can feel different the next day. Take care mate

[Catbrian]

I'm doing okay, Mar, thanks.  Most of us beat ourselves up, totally forgetting the good stuff.  It's weird how we tend to forget the bad bouts will eventually pass.  What always gets me, is when I feel a little low and then start worrying myself sick that the depression's making a come back.

Hope you're okay

[mar42]

Hi cat,Im glad you're ok,i couldn't believe your message,it sounds exactly like me,11 yrs i have been coping with "the fog" & read so many books,seen my fair share of GP's,councillors,psychiatrists & at present have group therapy once a week,but the last sentence in your message resonated in me,i could have wrote it myself . It nearly always catches me out,it's so insidious isn't it cat. I boxed as an amateur when i was younger,i had 100 bouts & i never faced a more cunning opponent than depression. The putting down,the anxiety of having another episode,the worrying of how long this one will last or what have i been thinking or doing this time to bring it on,it's all of the same thing (whatever this is that has got hold of us cat) i feel choked as i write this,because i know we are all in a very similar boat,Im glad Im not at the beginning again cat,Im not sure i could go through this again even though i feel really upset,Im glad i joined the site & are able to chat to people like you,thanks for returning my message,take care mate

[Catbrian]

I am trying to read a very good book about depression, "Shoot the Damn Dog".  At one point she talks about depression being like a separate entity living within us, an entity with its own mind and willpower that chooses to haunt us from time to time.  She also talks about depression being an illness that never goes away; it may go into remission, but it is always there.

Having other people to share with is invaluable

[mar42]

I have heard of that book,sounds like an interesting perspective,i will give it a go catb. I read "taming the black dog" about a year ago & found that quite useful,still haven't tamed it,i would love to shoot the b.....d though  :bgrin: Im reading "stronger,better,happier" at the moment,as the title suggests a typical american self help book,Im not into that whole "positive affirmation" stuff, but hey! what have i got to lose (Im even sounding american now??)  maybe it's working??????  yesterday i was periodically making the biggest,falsest smile possible (not a pleasant sight) holding it for 10 seconds,gradually holding it for longer & longer. If anyone could see me,they really would think i've gone insane  :exc:  maybe i should bring out my english version of the book "weaker,not better,miserable git"  :bgrin:

[Catbrian]

I'm all for self-help books, I've read loads over the years and although I tend to think I forget absolutely everything I read, I think little bits of each book help make up a recovery.

Lately, with the depressive memory issues, I've had problems reading.  It's taking me forever to finish the last couple of chapters of 'Shoot the damn Dog'.

[ParsnipPierre]

 So i have the parent problem.I live with my folks still but they know nothing about my depression.My friends think I should tell them but tonight reiterated a resounding NO.They are from the old school and do not get depression I know they wouldn't let me fully explain it and I would get hit with "you have nothing to be depressed about".  It was just a random conversation that came about when my mum asked me if I was gonna try ween myself off my tablets (which they think are for stress related exhaustion) and when I said no,she jumped stright in with you don't want to be taking tablets all your life.  I know what's best for me and at the moment the tablets are the only hope I've got.Don't get me wrong they are lovely parents+want the best for me but if I tell them they'll either not get it or suffocate me.My mum would hate it if I told her I was having counselling cos i must talk to her,which i'm beyond,i need someone impartial and professional.
PP

[craig84]

I gotta say mar42 your first post resonates with me a lot too, the whole worthless thing, go through it so much, have my moments where I think im amazing for this or that but there always short lived. I used to be the fun uncle everyone wanted to be around and countless phonecalls from people asking me to go out because I was that kinda person but now....  I feel like victor meldrew Im just miserable all the bloody time and its getting to me now.. ill have to start a rant in a minute lol

ive done a lot of reading too.... mainly because of being on waiting lists for counselling a few times I think ok ill fix myself lol
I do have a greater understanding of myself and my problems from reading books on transactional analysis and other self help books... one thing I have noticed though and I don't know if its the same for anyone else but when you read self help books it has these worksheets that it urges you to work through..... I never work through them - or keep a diary of my moods.. it was the same with counselling I would get asked to write certain things and would procrastinate so much... that id leave it to last minute to do anything I knew would be positive for me. I still do it now when im low.

im an over thinker an analyse absolutely everything, I reckon I procrastinate so much because I feel like im entitled to feel like this. like I deserve it. I blame myself for a lot and put myself down a lot and have read enough to understand why I do it but I wont go into that right now. even though I understand the why's I still cant move on from feeling like I deserve or am entitled to feel like this.

pp -  If you feel its something you need to do, telling your parents, and are unsure of their reaction maybe you can speak to your counsellor about this? have you got a counsellor or therapist, they could mediate for you if you wanted?! my old man has the same views and I think theres an element of a parent feeling responsible for their childs depression so be carefull with that. I know with my father he shrugs off my depression as maybe being because I jump from job to job and haven't settled yet, ive brough it up with him that there are things from my past which he has caused from how he approached some things but it infuriated him and he hasn't been the same with me since so be careful there too. maybe write your mum a letter...

id put something down on paper at least, when I eventually bother to do it myself I always feel better getting things out of my head and into the real world!