Families...

[want2help]

Thanks Catb. That was a very insightful response. I have read a great deal on the subject of depression having suffered from recurring depression and anxiety for almost 20 years. I have undertaken counselling and CBT, I take ADs and I am now practising mindfulness meditation. My father also has chronic depression. Unfortunately my bf won't admit he has depression - I even left the book 'Depression - the curse of the strong' in a drawer in his house in the hope that might open up discussion. I am pretty sure his family don't know much about it and if they do have experience of it, they tend to attribute a physical reason to it e.g. he is irritable, moody, angry etc because he doesn't sleep well, has no money. I agree that educating everyone about depression is crucial. However, even armed with knowledge it is still upsetting and frustrating to watch someone you love suffer without doing anything to help themselves. If someone were suffering from a very painful physical illness, they would most likely seek help. IMO that is one of the main problems families/friends face when a loved one has depression.

[Catbrian]

Want2help…  I wasn’t suggesting your own knowledge and experience was lacking, but I suspect your b’f’s family is.  In general, I think most people are ignorant to the “inside world of mental health”.  My mum is a depressive and her moods have always affected everyone close to her.  I suppose, I was also suffering depression for many years before I had a mental breakdown 13 years ago.  However, despite the knowledge and the experience, I could never have guessed the full extent of any depressive illnesses.  So, in fairness to all those families and loved ones who have no clue, we too once harboured the same ignorance.  The only way you truly understand “the beast” is if you have been there yourself.  I always say, we should be thankful that they never do fully understand the true nature of depression.

I don't have a clue how to get someone to recognise their depression.  This must be an incredibly frustrating position.  If the b/f doesn't see his depression, does he have any awareness or excuse for his behaviour?

[iggyelvis]

i had to explain that my 'therapy' was not counselling to my intellegent mother yesterday. she doesn't care really

[Catbrian]

Quite often it appears as if they don't care, but maybe....just MAYBE...sometimes they do care, but find it incredibly difficult to show it.  Many of our parents are from harder times when you "grin and bare it/chin up" mentality was the only way forward.  That awareness is of no help when we feel a yearning for their understanding and support

[captainkeefy]

Hi Cat,

I hate what goes on in families with regards to mental health. I got told the other week "You need to speak to your counselor." I call him my Therapist, his job title is a Cognitive Behavioral THERAPIST! Why do people show so little regards when we need them most. I beg for someone to just hug me sometimes and say "It's going to be alright. I'm here for you and if you want, we can lock the door and hide away from the world." But it never happens, metaphorically I feel like I'm standing in a room and people walk in and pull at my clothes and they are all like "Blah, Blah, Blah. I need this, can you do that?" Then they all just leave and I'm alone. Personally I feel like I spend my whole life running around trying to sort other peoples problems, ignoring my own. Forgetting my needs, wants and things hoping if I do enough for other people then maybe, eventually my needs will be met too. But this won't happen, these emotions I bury come back.

I have come to the conclusion lately that my wants and needs come first. I'm sick of other people expecting me to run round after them, it only leads one way...down. I think this is a by product of low self esteem, trying to gauge yourself as a person by what other people tell you they see. Instead of saying yeah I've done this and I'm proud of myself for it.
 

Change comes when we say to ourselves, I no longer except other peoples opinions, okay I'll consider them but they won't define the world for me. If I'm depressed then I'm going to deal with it myself. If you can't be there for me when I need you then expect the same response from me. Instead of wondering if you are good enough ask yourself if other people are good enough for your attention? my favorite quote at the moment has to be Marlyn Monroe " If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!" I think this sums it up quite well. Sometimes I sit there so concerned that nobody wants to help me. I forget to pick myself up, dust myself off and crack on. Depression is the exact opposite of happiness in so many respects so if we accept depression are we letting go of happiness, I don't know?

I don't know if anything I've written is productive for you. I feel really reluctant to press the post button, that's for sure. I feel more encouraged to press the backspace button to be honest. What I do know though is I have been offered the most supportive words in this place over the last few days and weeks. It's the only place I felt I could open up and when I was done posting I felt like running away and not coming back. But I have be offered kind words of support from people who are going through the same as me, probably worse and they have offered me a hand in friendship when I needed it most and life will probably make me forget to return the favor at times. But if we all are there for each other then maybe that's the start we need to get back on our feet.

(I didn't realize you had posted this when I wrote this. Hope you find something constructive in this!)

[iggyelvis]

my therapist is psycho dynamic therapy. becuse it is therapy the point is it is process not somewhere to run to. my mum shd know this

[Catbrian]

Thank you for you very thought provoking post CaptK.  Many times, I have doubtfully hovered over that send button.  This is the beauty of the Forum.  None of us are Guru’s; however, we each have a wealth of experience to share.  To me, my time on the Forum is almost like a personal journey.  I always liken it to group therapy online; it certainly makes up similar dynamics.


You were actually the second person today to say exactly the same, almost word for word; we should no longer accept the opinion of others. AND Instead of wondering if you are good enough, ask if other people are good enough for my attention. This certainly rings very true and I will be taking it on-board.


I do not think we are letting go of happiness by accepting our depression.  For me, following 20 year suffering various bouts of depression, it’s about marrying the two.  It’s about accepting the depression and welcoming the happiness.  My approach to depression is never to fight against it.  When it comes, there is not a lot I can do about it.  I wouldn’t say I lay down to it, because I struggle to be as daily active as I usually am.  I think it’s more about resignation. 

In the little book “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran, he says, “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked…. they are inseparable”.

[musicken]

Cat I can totally understand,
I rarely see any of my family, and to be honest I've got to the stage where it's just too much effort.  I never fitted in with my younger siblings, my mother never knew what to make of me and my father tyrannically helped a sensitive young me lose what little self-believe, esteem and self worth I had long before I hit double figures.  It's been five years since my father died, and I'm lucky if I see any of my family more than once or twice a year, even then it feels awkward.  Sometimes I wish I could just disappear or lose contact completely.

[iggyelvis]

i don't know what to do with my family. i try to stay in touch with the young ones - they need us and it is not their fault.

[Catbrian]

Tonight I am suffering the full effects of an emotional rollercoaster ride and need to have a good old rant.  A situation with my mother has sent me reeling with all sorts of memories and emotions.  I exhausted myself offloading in an email to a friend, but then deleted it.

My Mum wanted to come to London with friends for a weekend in April, but ONLY if I spend all day Saturday in Central London with her.  No thought for my own disability, no thought to the fact I struggle to get through my day as it is, without having this “outing” hanging over my head.  No thought to my agoraphobia, she probably forgets I suffer from it.

My Agoraphobia is crippling.  I freak out in central London.  For 13 years, I have not left my home for more than 2 hrs.  Once or twice it was 3 hours.  I have difficulty concentrating if I am with someone for more than 1-2 hours.  My inside starts to scream out, all I want to do is run away and be somewhere on my own.  How could I possibly bear spending a full day with her?  Huh, on a Saturday of all days

However, the bottom line - and this sounds awful - but I have no interest in spending time ANYWHERE with her.  I don’t know why, I’ve usually been too guilty to admit that.  We were estranged for 6 years.  It’s only in this last year when we have been periodically in touch by text.  We never speak on the phone.  I avoid them as much as possible.  I gave up trying to get along with them.  I gave up trying to please them.  I gave up trying to be the person they expect.  I gave up trying to do the things they want. 

When I gave up trying to do all these things to please them, I found there was nothing left of the relationship, just a gaping black hole where I once ran around trying to please them.  The still wait for me to fill that hole, but that will never happen. 

Needless to say, the entire upset has been fraught with PD emotion.  My whole night has been focussed on it when it should be focussing on my own recovery.  Agreeing to meet up under these circumstances would have brought my mood crashing to the floor.  Mum won't understand that, but I'm beyond beating myself up for a situation I cannot help.

I need to crash now, take a sleeping tab and things will look different in the morning.

[captainkeefy]

Sorry to hear about this Catb, hopefully you feel better tomorrow.

[Sweetpea]

Oh Cat you poor thing. Why oh why will people not understand. I would not cope with that either. Will pm you when I get back from walking the dogs (((( hugs )))).

S x x x x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[Catbrian]

I feel a lot better this morning, thanks.  It's so upetting to have such a bad relationship with my own mother.  However, I must always remember she creates her own relationships with her children... this one didn't develop very well.

I hope everyone is having the same bright sunshine as London.  I am just about to go out with the dog and do a couple of bits and pieces. 

Wishing everyone a good day