Families...

[Catbrian]

Families…. I never had a good relationship with mine.  I am different to the others, the black sheep.  My moods and general “mentalness”, coupled with their reluctance to understand, have often stood between us.  There are times when I am “possessed” by what I now understand to be cluster A of a Personality Disorder.

I long for the support from my family, but I need to learn to accept this will never be available.  Instead, they continue to put me under pressure to do all the things a “normal” person would do, like visiting them, meeting up in central London, and going for meals or shows; even coffee in a café is a challenge.  If I don’t do what they expect, there is bad feeling that can last from months to years.

I try not to let it bother me, sometimes I even pretend that it doesn’t matter.  After all these years, I should be used to it by now.  But, no matter how hurtful their indifference is, I always long for them to reach out and appear just a wee bit interested.

For my own sake, I need to learn to let this go.  I must not expect compassion or understanding from people who are more likely to feel contempt towards my MH problems.  Someone once wrote on here about letting go, “letting go is not getting rid of, letting go is letting be”.  Somehow, this is what I need to achieve, but how I actually get there, is anyone’s guess.

I wonder how many other people have had similar experiences and what they did to overcome or come to terms with these extraordinarily difficult circumstances.

[iggyelvis]

it always hurts that they won't help. my family won't but do expect from me. my cats are the best people in my life.

[Pip]

My parents never really understood me and I couldn't accept that I suffered with depression for many years.  It was only because I reached rock bottom in 2005 that I finally accepted it.  I tried explaining how bad it was to my parents but they seemed to brush it off as if it was a cold or something.  I let my sister know about a year ago and bared my soul.  I spelled it all out including my self harming and suicide attempts which seems to accept and she will ask how I am feeling.  My sister has been good enough to respect my wishes not to tell my dad how bad my depression is as he is 83 now.  

[Catbrian]

Well, this is it, Pip, my parents are 76 and, IMO, past me bringing up my problems, but the past left me in no doubt how they feel about everything.

Iggy, my cats are a blessing.  It almost feels sad to see them grow old

[iggyelvis]

cats are the best

[Zaf]

My mum somehow refuses to believe there is such thing as depression :0(

[Leo]

I started with the family wanting to support me. As my depression got worse, they all disappeared.

I made the decision to let go, have no contact with them as its easier than them supporting me, then dropping me.

[iggyelvis]

i understand my mum is more bothered about her 50th wedding ann party than how i feel.

[Catbrian]

Leo, that is exactly how I feel.  But, I also feel it left a huge gap in my life that cannot be filled with anything else.  I suppose it evokes similar issues when dealing with any significant loss.

Zaf, I think, if your mum said this in relation to your depression, she is simply refusing to allow you to be ill; perhaps a little selfish

I think most people have had experience of mild depression; the sort that you are able to dust yourself down and soldier on.  Unfortunately, other people mistakenly judge the more serious forms of depression as being similar to what they experienced.  They could not possibly imagine the dark places our minds have been

I'm trying to practice living in the here and now.  This sort of thing always conjures up years of frustration and anger.  It is best to concentrate on ourselves, they will never change

[Leo]

I do agree, I feel lonely. I have no one to confide in. I keep thinking I can deal with being lonely, I can't deal with being hurt anymore.

[Catbrian]

You were up late, Leo...are you still have trouble sleeping?

[want2help]

I long for the support from my family, but I need to learn to accept this will never be available.  Instead, they continue to put me under pressure to do all the things a “normal” person would do, like visiting them, meeting up in central London, and going for meals or shows; even coffee in a café is a challenge.  If I don’t do what they expect, there is bad feeling that can last from months to years.

Catb. I believe my depressed bf feels very similar to you and I hope you can help me and his family understand what we should be doing. If we ask him to do anything he refuses - probably as you say because he feels we are putting him under pressure. But, if we don't invite him, he feels left out. And he hates being asked how he is feeling. To be honest we don't know what to do or say anymore and his family now just avoid him which I know upsets him a great deal.

[stewart]

the trouble is, asking most people with depression 'how are you feeling' is hard or dificult for them to say, like they are always saying bad, or crap, or other words like that.

[Catbrian]

My problem with being asked to do anything or receiving an invitation is, either I am too depressed or fear I might be when the time comes.  I have let too many people down through an inability to see past the acute stages of depression.  The simplest way to ensure I don’t disappoint is by refusing to arrange anything.

To live alongside people who are evidently so very disappointed or inconvenienced, is tremendously difficult.  Even though they try not to show it, their pain or discomfort is evident.  In addition, whenever they expect something from me, I feel as though they have little thought for me and more care for their own needs.

At the end of the day, depression is one of the most difficult things for anyone to deal with.  Families find it particularly difficult because their loved one is not the same person.  Very often, people with depression can make others feel uncomfortable, even depressed.  A depressive’s behaviour can be difficult for family to understand, sometimes they feel doomed if they do and damned if they don’t.  Very soon, it becomes easier to avoid the depressive

However, if someone were suffering a very painful illness, you wouldn’t avoid him or her just because they were always groaning in pain.  But, this is what happens when family and friends get a bit tired of depressives behaviour.

Depression is an illness, just like any other.  Feeling irritable, disappointment, or discomfort with a depressive, only contributes to their already difficult existence.  With respect, sometimes families are at a loss to understand what they should be doing, but if you ask if they have read anything on the subject, the answer is most likely to be ‘no’.  If someone’s family really wants to understand and help, IMO, they would read every piece of literature they can find.  Then, they would not be at a loss.

The fact is, in general, people don’t take depression seriously enough.  They see it more as a passing phase than a serious illness.  The majority of people have experience of feeling down.  Unfortunately people mistakenly liken all depression as the same and become impatient because their loved one is still mopping around.  It’s usually at such times when you hear them proclaim, “we’re at a loss what to do”.  IMO, they’re only at a loss because they haven’t been bothering to find out.

Sorry, this has become a cat-essay, but it is something that has been niggling my brain for years.  Not everyone will agree, but I can only talk from my own experiences.

[Leo]

I completely agree Catb, you echo a lot of my thoughts on the subject.

I'm still struggling with sleep. Im getting less and less due to feeling stressed about various meetings with work at the moment.

My GP won't prescribe a sleeping tablet anymore either.